#fatshaming #weight #foodaddiction #emotionaleater #confused

#fatshaming #weight #foodaddiction #emotionaleater #confused #amIWrong
I guess i need your guys' thoughts, opinions, advice...?

Sunday night I was stressed out about a situation involving me moving out of my grandfather's house to be more independent and how our friend that I wanted to move out with was really pushing for January. Well it's already January and I'm freaking out because I don't feel like I have enough money in this and that. So I decided on the way home from work I was going to get food even though I wasn't hungry. I do have a problem with food just to give you guys a little background. I also have a problem with spending my money. This can become a problem when I am trying to do stuff such as move or whatever I have to do.

Anyways, the problem that night was when I called my ex he ended up hearing me talking to the people at the window and he started to make a joke saying that I needed to return the food which kind of upset me because I was like no I don't want to and I want to eat it. And I don't know why but I told him that I was doing so good that night muting my side of the phone call so that he couldn't hear the people taking my order and giving me my stuff but for some reason I just slipped up and totally just didn't do it this time because I thought maybe he wouldn't hear her handing me my stuff. Well because I said this he was like is it worse than I was telling him it was. By it I mean was my food addiction worse then what I was telling him because I was hiding the fact that I do it from him. I told him it wasn't like I ordered ten thousand things. He wanted to know what I bought but I told him I didn't want to tell him and then we proceeded to continue the conversation that we were having prior.

I get home and I get on my Xbox which is where I talk to my ex at when I'm home and when I feel like getting on and I had all my food laid out and everything. But I guess he had heard me slurping and burping and he started saying how he was worried but he didn't want to say why or about what. And I had thought he meant about our conversation prior to me getting home but he said it was about me and my eating habits.

Okay cool it's okay to be concerned and I get why because I am pre-diabetic and he doesn't want me to become diabetic nor die because of my eating habits. But normally my ex will make comments such as you shouldn't be eating that or is that part of your diet. And that makes me feel like I'm being shamed. And I hate people who fat shame and who are food police because my mom was a food police and I was fat-shamed quite a lot in my life by whoever I encountered. So when I asked makes comments like that I get really upset. So I had just decided a while ago that I wouldn't tell him when I got something and that I would just mute my mic when I was rattling the bag or whatever. Well because I told him when he asked me what I was eating that I wasn't going to tell him because I don't want to be judged or criticized or shamed he got upset and he said the only reason I didn't want to tell him was because I didn't want to feel guilty. And he said he couldn't understand why I tried so hard to avoid the guilt. I honestly didn't feel guilty though for buying what I bought. What made me start feeling guilty was the fact that I knew his comments we're coming when he was saying that he started to feel worried about me and asking what I was eating. And maybe they weren't. Maybe I shouldn't assume that they were but they come every time and that's why I made the assumption.

What we ended up avoiding the conversation because I just told him that I wasn't comfortable with doing that. I had to take a break at one point time because I was upset that he started asking me that stuff but like I said we ended up avoiding it and then we went to bed. Well around maybe 8:30 in the morning we start talking again and he's asking what I ate because around 3 a.m. I started vomiting acid very badly because either it was the spicy chicken nuggets that i ate or it was the fact that I did not let it Digest what's after the 3 period that i heard you're supposed to do Like I should have. But I didn't tell him that I was vomiting to get question about what I ate again. I just told him because he and I do stuff like that where we tell each other what happened in our day.

He kept pressing to see what I ate and I told him I didn't want to because I didn't want to be shamed because it felt like he carried over the conversation from last night to this morning. And again he brought up the whole guilt thing saying that I didn't want to feel guilty and he didn't understand why. He tried to say that guilt helps people grow. But it just didn't sound okay coming from him. I just felt like I was getting shamed and it was making me really upset. So what made me even more upset was the fact that he was like trying to guess what I ate because I refused to tell him. And then he said that because I refused to tell him he wasn't going to tell me about how many people got shot and is area last night nor was he going to tell me about what happened at 4 in the morning because I didn't want to tell him about what I had eaten last night. And I felt like that was very childish. I felt like why are you trying to be manipulative right now and basically act like a child and refuse to tell me stuff like that just because I didn't want to tell you about my eating problem? And he tried to also say like will I tell you about my drug problem so why can't you tell me about your problem?

And like I said I eventually just got so frustrated I cracked under pressure and I raised my voice and I told him that I wasn't going to tell him anymore what it was that I would eat and he didn't have to tell me about his drug and pill use. Well then he got upset that I raised my voice and he started saying that I was being loud and obnoxious and he wanted to know why I was being that way. Well the fact that he said that I was being loud and obnoxious and rude made me upset because I felt like I wouldn't have become that way had he not been asking me what he was asking me, and nor do I think that I was being obnoxious or rude which was upsetting to hear.

So I tried to zone out to just not hear what he was saying and he started talking about something that he learned in the hospital while he was at the hospital and eventually I was just like you know what I'm leaving I don't want to sit here and listen to what you have to say because I feel like I was shamed and you don't feel like you're shaming me and that's upsetting. So I ended up telling him that I was leaving and I made it clear that I was leaving but he was in the middle of talking when I was doing it.

And then I just left so then he's upset that I left and he started saying all this stuff and text message to me telling me about how I was being very rude and how I hurt his feelings by hanging up on him while he was still talking. And how I purposely was hurting him and that it wasn't an accident of me hanging up. And it just basically felt like he was putting all the blame on me instead of listening to how I felt when I was telling it to him. And he couldn't understand why I had gotten loud with him. So then I told him I just didn't want to respond to his text messages while he was yelling at me through text because he was using cap lock and he's told me what that means when he uses cap lock which means he is demolishing somebody through text message is what he says.

So then he was upset and he said that he didn't think it was fair that I was running away and trying to not apologize for what I did.

I told him I would talk to him about it later and when we did he again was expressing that he felt like I owe him an apology for what I did. And so tonight I was thinking about what I did. I do think that I was wrong for getting loud and leaving. And I can see how he partially was trying to help but at the same time he doesn't realize that I felt like I was being shamed.

But he says that just because I felt that way doesn't justify what I did. So what do I do? What do I do because she wants an apology and I can see how I'm sorry for part of what I did but at the same time it wouldn't have happened had I not felt like I was still being ashamed from the night before. And I can't get him to understand that. So I wasn't going to apologize. Because I heard that you should never say I'm sorry that I did this but you did this. Because I know it's not genuine. So I don't know what to do.

I admit, that was a lot to read. I don’t think he was shaming you, but maybe trying to help you or cares for your well being. Just in the only way he knows how. There’s nothing wrong with you hanging up either. Since you were upset it’s easy to get carried away and say things you don’t mean. You also said something about his drug problem. Turn the table and say I’d get help if you get help for his problem. Then together you can be each other’s greatest supporter.

@Upbeat45 omgah. After seeing the length i do apologize for posting it. I’m not sure how to cut down on these things…maybe it’s because I’m afraid that people won’t understand what is happening because my former partner tells me that I don’t know tell people enough of what is happening between us to make them know his side sho he doesn’t look like a bad guy…so i guess that’s why i type so much. Sry…

It’s ok, I had a moment to read it.

@Upbeat45 well i appreciate you for taking the time

Sorry I can't focus to read you whole post but this person you speak of in your post seems to be causing you a lot of stress and grief

@bebobaBetty it is quite a lot and I’m sorry it was…as of lately yes. I think it is because i am finally starting to set boundaries for myself and it’s causing certain behaviors to come to the forefront.

He did NOT clearly understand why you were raising your voice to him. He also needs to feel guilty for fat-shaming people. Stuff like this will make people lose their appetite. Your mother shouldn't shame of your diet as well. I understand what you went through and you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself.

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@SimonaAlex thank you. I will work on it.