Fearing the unknown

Today is my first day of college. Since i dropped out of highschool at age 17..it has been almost 4 years since i've been in school. In the past month leading up to this i've cut, restricted meals, lost weight, hallucinated, and had a major anxiety attack. I don't know if i can do this...ughh. I'm not good at the unknown. And i'm obviously not handling my stress/anxiety very well. I just need to get it together. there is something seriously wrong with me. Why can't i handle even the normal things in life without lapsing all over the place?

Good morning Rebekah89,

Congrats on going back to school, that is such a major thing! I have been in college for a year in Oct. And I had been out of school for almost 15 years when I started (I promise I am not as old as that sounds). It ws so scary to not know how well I would do or if at all. I understand the anxiety you are feeling. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves and even punish ourselves. I binge eat (though it is controlled I still flair up) to hurt myself and my body/health sees the effects. Take a moment and realize what you have done.... you have made a major accomplishment returning back to school. you are sooooooo very brave for doing that. So many people want to but hide, scared to even fill out the application. But not you, you are smart, you are in college and you will shine! Just take your MAJOR accomplishment and focus on your achievement!! You want a better life or you would not be doing this.

Let's tackle getting you to campus today and then we can talk about any other issue you want.

Congrats to you.... you did it and I am proud of you.

Please come back and let us know how your day went.

Facing changes is hard for nearly everyone, so please don't blame yourself. Are you getting any help to deal with the emotional distress and the self-harm behaviors?
It sounds like you are struggling a lot with the decision to go back to school. Perhaps a little longer getting professional help could help you be better prepared?
It's better to wait, than to have to quit in the middle because you are not ready. YOUR timetable does not have to match with anyone else's.
What do YOU think is best? Take care...Jan ♥

Hey congrats on starting college today! I know that it can be stressful and difficult at times, I just started my sophomore year last Monday. But truthfully my first year of college was one of the most rewarding and wonderful experiences of my life! And to top it all off, it made me healthier! My ED was no part of my freshman year of college! You can do this!

If you ever need to rant or just talk I am here. Just message me :)


Some things are not easy, but they are worth it.

Hi Rebekah89, CONGRATULATIONS on going back to school, that's so incredibly exciting and a huge achievement in and of itself. You should be so very proud of yourself and so excited about this new venture and path in your life.

Feeling anxiety and stress about an event like this, the first day of school, is so normal. I remember back to when I started college and then grad school...boy oh boy, my anxiety level was so high and continued the first few days of school until I started meeting new people and felt more comfortable. Take nice long deep breaths, inhale through your nose, hold for a few moments and exhale through your mouth letting all of that anxiety out. Envision all of the amazing new people that you will meet, new friends that you will be making, wonderful teachers that will guide you to your career of choice. This is such a phenomenal time in your life...embrace and enjoy it!

Please keep sharing and update us on your first days of school.

so i just got home from my first day. Good news...i didn't have a panic attack...bad news my anxiety level was so high..i couldn't stop moving..i ended up scraping off a layer of skin on my hand just so i could focus on what the proffesors were saying. ugghh. I've been to years of therapy been hospitalized twice..once for four months. You'd think i'd have things under better control, but i think i'm ready to admitt that i might need professional help again. **** it.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm on a great cocktail of meds that have been working for me really well. Keeping my moods stable and the depression and mania at bay. I'm on an anti-anxiety, but it's not one you can take and feel the immediate relief.

I used to be addited to klonopin. I was taking 4 times the amount i was prescribed before i went into treatment for anorexia.

My mom is prescribed that still...and it's here in the house...so i've been stealing some.

VERY bad news. I need to stop. now.

But despite all of that. The teachers seemed nice. and i'm still determind to rock it at school. I'm supposed to write an essay by wednesday. I dont even remember how to start and finish essays..****. and i can't seem to be able to choose a topic.

the topic has to be on an ideal, thing, world changes, etc.and their costs. and whether the benifits outweigh the cost. arggh...i don't know. any ideas?

Rebekah89, I am so thrilled to hear that you had a good and positive first day of school, though I am sorry about your anxiety level. I know that it will get easier and easier for you the more that you get into studying, classes, meeting new people, etc. Have you thought about getting involved in school activities such as a club and/or student government. That's a great way to meet people and really feel like a part of the school community.

The key is that you realize that you need professional help again, and that's so wonderful. Most people to come to that realization. The only thing that this professional help will do is to help you along on your path to healing, health and wellness.

In terms of topics for your essay, which class is this? That will help me along with giving you some ideas. Off the top of my head, Solar Power is a very hot topic and there are many cost benefits.

Bio diesel may be a good topic. I agree with puppydoglvr, need to know the class name before we can go further.

Super glad that today was a good day for you. Remember, you are one day stronger!! Tomorrow will be a little easier.

Great job today. Keep up the great work and keep us posted.

it's an english writing class. yikes.

SO technically you are a freshman correct? Which would make it a basic english course? Those are not that bad. I had massive anxiety last year about it, but it turned out alright. If you ever need some help with papers just message me. I can always help brainstorm ideas for the paper or maybe even revise your work if you would like :)

Nothing to freak out about! I promise :)

I hope the rest of your day goes well. Good Luck


Oh, I love love loved English. It was such a fabulous course and where my love of writing evolved. So, the subject doesn't have to be focused on economics and finance , but it seems that there's a finance facet to it with the "cost benefits" reasoning. There are a plethora of topics, were you given any other guidance or is it pretty open? Also, is there anything in particular of interest to you now that you would like to research and write about?

i am at a loss of topics, but it can pretty much be anything that has costs us something, and whether it has been worth it or not. It's just been so long since i've written an essay...i don't even know where to begin.

wow, well in this economic time, there are a plethora of topics;

- the real estate market - is it worth investing now?

- solar power - cost benefits on the whole

- electric car vs. gas vehicle - overall cost benefits

- manufacturing products in U.S. vs. Abroad; there are now tax benefits for producing in the U.S.

- retaining an employee vs. firing an employee - cost benefits in the long-run are to retain the employee

I hope this helped a bit...if I think of anything more then I will send it your way.

Great input here....love seeing all the great, sincere support...you ROCK ladies!! ♥

Thanks so much Janurse! I love being here and interacting with everyone.

you guys have been awesome :) thanks a lot. I had my second two courses yesterday. biology and psychology. They went okay. I was much less anxious on day two and was actually able to focus without scratching or anything like that. Y'all are the best though. You've given me some really good ideas. Now i just have to write the essay. I have about six hours..yikes. I'll let y'all know how it goes. thanks again!


I am so glad to hear that day two went so well. Each day say to yourself that you are "One Day Stronger!" Keep up the great work. Sounds like you have a pretty diverse school load. Enjoy it, school is great!!

Keep us updated on your progress.

Thinking of you...what topic did you settle on for your essay? We are here for you....take care...Jan ♥

well i decided to go a completely different direction. since the topic was "everything has it's costs" and we could pretty much run with that, i choose the american idea of womens beauty (thin, flawless skin, no wrinkles, cellulite, things like that) and it's costs. A lot of statistics...about how much money the average woman will spend on beauty products, procedures, diet programs ect..I also covered eating disorder statistics. So basically the cost of that idea of beauty finacially and emotionally and physically. It turned out alright. still have a lot of work to do on it. The actual finished essay is due next wednesday so if any of yall have any imput, feel free to share. Thanks for being so supportive :)