Feel a little crazy

i feel like im slowly losign it. my patience is no longer there. Im in a job that i detest, my relationship is great yet at times i feel like he doesnt get me at all, and to top it off im in school in an intense program. Im always there for everyone and yet i feel so alone. Everyone looks at me like the hero, but yet who is my hero ?? my bf tells me he would support me as i go back to school but it seems like he cant handle it. i try my best to be there for him and Lord knows i try my hardest but at times i just want to be catered to, i want to be heard, i want someone to understand me and what i feel. instead i hide those feelings because i have to be there for everyone else. I just want for once for someone to understand me and be there for me 100 percent like im there for them. all my life ive hidden my pain and my thoughts because it just doesnt seem like anyone would like to hear them or allow me to voice them. when my bf gets me upset i usually shut down and dont speak, he hates it but thats how i deal . when all your life ur not heard u tend to shut down. its my biggest flaw, but i cant even have flaws with him sometimes. i just want people to understand my pain and truly get it , and not brush it off like im ok. im not ok. but again who cares, i usually just have to suck it up and be there for everyone else.

Your post really hit me, I see myself there. I wonder if you are in a nursing program. I was a nurse for over 20 yrs. I so understand how it is to be the caregiver, the one who fights and survives and pulls everyone else up, but who is there for us? I wish I could say that people will be there for you when you need them but that depends on the people, and most will fail you..that is what life has taught me. I was always there when my family needed me, and yet when I needed my husband he totally threw me under the bus so to speak. He didnt cheat or leave me but he left me emotionaly through a horrendus recovery after a car accident that nearly killed me and left me disabled. His behavior towards me influenced my 13 yr old son{at the time} and turned him against me too. The only people I have that I can totaly trust are my 23 yr old son and my old friend who was my high school sweetheart many yrs ago. My husband is a good man like your bf, but he has no empathy or real comp***ion for others. He just doesnt get it. Chronic pain, ptsd and anxiety are things he just doesnt understand. When I got hurt he went into depression and was unable to handle simple housekeeping,our house was horrible, almost unfit to live in during my long recovery. We are both in counseling and couples counseling, I like my therapist, but in couples its the same ****, my spouse is treated like a delicate flower who cant be asked to grow up. I am really disgusted, and I am beginning to think that most people really care mostly about themselves and have little ability to step up when their partner needs them.
My experiences arent yours and I am not trying to say its hopeless but I think if someone were to ask me today what I want in a bf or husband I would rate comp***ion and caring as number one. I have learned to ***ume I need to take care of myself and not expect much from him. my younger son still acts like my husband, his stepfather, is the one who suffered. He thinks I am a foolish weak person. If he only knew. My husband couldnt find his *** in a snowstorm without me.
I wish you luck, and if you are in nursing step back, and take your time deciding what field to go into. Dont be a bedside caregiver, it will eat you up. There is a saying "nurses eat their young" its true. Good luck to you and I do really feel for you, your comment could almost have been written by me. I hope you are pleasantly surprised. take care.

im not in nursing, im in administration to be a school district leader/school building leader.
Your post brought tears to my eyes, i feel for you deeply. Are you still in recovery? How do deal with this treatment from your husband and son day to day? I understand you when you went to couples counseling how they made him look like the victim the one who needs the sympathy. its quite sickening that when we as women hurt from our partners we are the ones who have to suck it up and turn the other cheek to be their rock and cater to them. it frankly bothers me. I work so hard and neglect other things in my life to cater to my bf, but i dont think he even knows what i do to please him and be there for him. I constantly hear his troubles and issues and i give him the pep talk the encouragment and i truly understand what he is going through. but when i explain my pain i get the cliche talk. Im a teacher who is horribly underpaid, i can barley pay my bills, i deal with incompentent coworkers, obnoxious parents who question my experience daily. I deal with an assistant who has a mind of a child i constantly mico manage her. But when i talk about my job to anyone they dont get it, because im a teacher they think i play all day. this profession is a physical and mentally draining job. But again no one gets it nor do they understand, and on top of that i go to school and try to be the best, supportive girlfriend i can possibly be. Do i get any credit?nope i just want to feel appreciated thats all. its just taking a lot to stay strong and move past the pain, but to be honest its truly very hard. im usually good at moving forward but i find it very hard. Im starting to have a lot of negative thoughts that do scare me at times. thats why i feel like im losing my mind slowly, no one is taking the time to know me and even question if im ok. but of course they come to me for help and in regards to my bf. the one person who is always in his corner always caring always being supportive , anything goes wrong im the first one he snaps at. like why me. Ive changed so much to please him. he had an issue how i used to dress-thought i should dress more sexy wear heels etc. i do that now. complained that i dont cook -i try to do that now as well; i dont make the effort to make the first move to be intimate; i try that now; when hes down he would say i dont make the effort to cater to him and spend time with him; i try my best and do that more even though im swamped with work. im spread so thin that honestly i dont know what the end result will be, im frankly scared to know what may and can happen to me. ive tried to voice my pains but of course no one understands its like i get the brush off. so i keep it in and just move forward. but of course when i do that im wrong. but honestly why cant u figure out that there is something deeper as to why i always internalize everything. its clearly because when i do speak up im not heard, no one caters to be. how do you handle it ? i just so defeated all the time, i cry way too much, i just feel soo alone all the time

I too am in that situation of everyone seems to believe that I am the hero all the time. When I get upset, I try to shut down too (although I cry quite a bit as well) and my husband gets really ticked off. It's tough, when it feels like no one else will cater to you and instead you have to hold the whole world on your shoulders.

I wish I knew what to say to help, but the only thing I can say is that you are not alone.

it just hurts . You try to speak your feelings yet no one is listening nor understanding. I just wish for once someone can take the time to understand.