Feel so alone. Feel worthless. Feel hopeless. I passed out t

Feel so alone. Feel worthless. Feel hopeless. I passed out today in class, but i am not worried it's probably just from not eating. I HAVE TO CUT!!!! I CANT EAT!!!! I CANT DO ANY THIS RIGHT!!!!

1 Heart

Sorry if I miss spelled anything.

I feel like I can't do anything right, too. And alone. And nothing. And I just want it all to end. Sorry I'm not very encouraging right now. I'm too sneaky to cut. Everyone would know I wasn't okay if I did. Instead I plot ways to end it all where no one could prevent me. Or plot ways to run away usually, but lately it's the first. I don't want to eat either. And it's driving me crazy because everything right now is about Amanda. I'm tired of giving her a life she can love while hating my life, all the while she is stating she doesn't want to be adopted, and I cannot ever have a child if I stay. I hate, literally hate this place my life is in. I cannot stand the idea of living my whole long, boring, stupid life and never having a child to call my own. All the responsibility of a mother without any of the benefits. Plus, social workers over our shoulders - worried about poor Amanda. No one cared about me when my life was threatened about every day at her age. She has everything any teen could ever want: all the sports, money, friends, events, opportunities, fun, dances. I have duties and working at home and apparently I'm the worst person she's ever come across in her whole life because life happens to be hard for me, and I was gone for one night two weeks ago. I'm offering apologies after apologies, love, kindness, gifts, hugs, everything. Turned down and turned down. Like she really doesn't want me around. Kevin was her favorite before anyway, even though I'd spend hours with her. I tried to people please too much. No use. Doesn't matter in the end. Useless. I don't know what on earth I am going to do. I just want to medicate. Somehow take the pain away. Which is the point of cutting for the moment, right? Cant. Drinking used to seem to numb some stuff sometimes, last year. But I can't live life drunk. Sounds more appealing to get alcohol poisoning that would last forever. :( I can't stand the thought of living in a mental home. My biological dad is in one. Has been almost his whole life. Why live, I would think? Sorry for my honesty. I can't be honest with my husband about my feelings. No way he could take them. I feel trapped. Loved. But trapped with a life where I can never have kids. I don't think I could ever heal from the pain of that. Child abuse, yes. Bad relationships, yes. Fragile and impulsive personality, probably. No children? Why. What's the point in anything. Why should I help other people's kids? Why should I be here? I don't care if it's the right thing to do. It's sooooo hard. I'm mad and sad and I don't want to have to deal with life anymore and I'm emotionally done.
hugs - you're not alone