Feeling Better

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
,
1

Good morning my lovely friends,

Well, I do beleive I have fought the 'hell' virus that had kept me ill for a week and a half. WHEW! That was the worse illness/virus I have ever encountered. I ate well---a little too well-ha, and got my weight back up. It seems as i did that--the color in my face returned, my hair--which was falling out in clumps from this virus, seems to not be falling out now, my undereyes arent black as night, and I feel like my old self(almost).

The problem is here----I feel oh that four letter word---fat. I just feel like---im huge now , and part of me is like---why did I gain that weight on purpose ---I mean, I can't help but feel like I was better before my natural weight came back. I mean, it is so weird, I wasnt happy when I was below my normal weight when I was ill cause i was sick as a dog and now I'm not happy cause I feel big. Am I ever happy? It is so weird--one day I want to gain and then I do and it is like---OMG! Did I really do that? It is like--I'm never happy no matter what--whether it be under or my natural wieght...It so doesn't make sense...Happiness really never comes from your weight cause no matter what--there will always be something wrong.

So, last night I was struggling with this but am pulling through--I'm trying to look at the positives here: 1. I feel better 2. my hair isnt falling out (as much) 3 my color has returned to my face and am not pale 4. I feel my energy a bit back when i hadnt really for almost 2 weeks.
5. I look healthier 6. my eyes arent dark and the circles under them arent as obvious 7. my skin is softer when before during this ill period it was dry. 8. i got the curves i had lost last week back .

Ugh, friends I am trying hard to push through this as I also re wrote my 'list of ED lies and truths" (which was originally posted by SarahKate on this site) so I can have what I call my sword or battle against these ED thoughts.

It is so weird to never be happy no matter what --and every time you change your weight----whether thinner or weight put back on ---you are just never satisfied.

So it is true that our images cannot make us happy. It is not where bliss lies.

The good news is my and my fiancee went on a little trip and it was awesome! We went to Mystic Conneticut and it was spectacular! First, we stayed a night at a gorgeous hotel and the next day we went to this little place where it was this replica of the 1800's and you could visit old time houses from back then. We also went on a steamboat ride , a horse and buggy ride, and visited cute little stores there, walked around a lot. My fiancee even got me this adorable pink sweater--which I do truly love. That sweater will always be nostalgia from that day. So, that trip did made me happy--looking at the stunning day was wonderuful.

So, thanks for letting me vent , friends, and I guess with these ED thoughts I'm glad I have therapy tonight. ha. But I'll work through them.

Love you all,

Maureen

2

I am so happy you are feeling better! And it is even better that you didn't listen to your ED! I am so proud.

Hey, I know how you feel. Don't we all. But look at what you did. You listed the positives :) Now I am going to tell you to do what you always tell me to do when I am having a bad moment. Not only reread your list on this post, but also read the list of ED's lies and your truths from a previous post along with the list of who you are with out your ED! It does help, you always have super good advice.

I am glad you and your fiancee went on a nice trip. It sounds like fun :)

And vent anytime! We are always here for you as you are always there for us

allee

3

hahahaha --oh, what i call --the cirlce of love, huh? ha! it is a beautiful thing! awesome! yes you are right--i will reread my list and and my ED lies list and truths. and yes, also who i am without ED or my whole body perfection! thanks for the 'circle of support'! ha....ha... it is greatness...

i just wish that ED thought would leave me alone--really starting to get to me!

but i feel batter and although the virus is still a tad there--i feel like me. now if only i could love ME-- that is something to work on with my therapist. and she is great as you all on here!

thanks a ton, allee!

so kind...

love
maureen

4

hello all, i wanted to bring up a fact that one of my fiancees family 's freind died today, and i did know him and he came to our house quite a bit. he died of an overdose of drugs. ok ---this like really like kinda hits home cuz it IS possible to die of an addiction and think you are fine and the next day--boom your gone. i know ED is not drugs--but it can be as deadly and even addictive. which is not to say you can overcome that addiction. there is also the 'immortal' feeling we get from ED which keeps us going in our behavior and we end up dying from this cuz we are not immortal but humans with bodies.

so , i feel sad for this, but it kinda puts things in perspective. in any addiction you think you are ok--you are in control---you will live but then your body gets abused so much, and it gives out.

so i wanted to mention this as it is sad and i did know him, well I was just aquantainces with him but, he was nice.

love
maureen

5

Hi Maureen: I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. You are right, it does point out how addictions can be deadly. I am glad you are feeling better and also glad that you can see that your physical image cannot make you happy. Acceptance of ourselves and self love are what allow us to live in peace. something that is very hard for those of us suffering with ED's.
Please hang in there and know we are all here for you

6

Maureen!
I'm glad to hear you are feeling better but sad to hear about your friend :(

As for you concern about weight gain....just think, if you didn't eat properly, you probably would still be sick. Perhaps sicker! Your body NEEDED that nutrients to help fight whatever was attacking your body, and by eating good, you helped give it that extra push to get better faster! You're helping to build your immune system and I think you should be VERY proud of that :)

Also, I'm glad you got to go on a day trip with your fiancee :) Sounds like you two had a lot of fun and I think it is exactly what you need after being miserable for so long.

Keep truckin along girly! We're all here to help :)
Paige xoxo

7

guys thanks for your support--i ended up gaining more than i thought--really. i cant help but feel huge--i mean , really huge.... on top of everything i got the rug pulled from under me---my financial means--were taken from me! ill write more later about it--but i was crying at my therapists...today... she had to calm me down. i will have no money for 3 months months from what it looks like. thank god i have a savings. i just dont get this, first my health, now this? it is insane. i dont know how ill pull through but ill write more on this tomorrow--i am BEYOND stressed. on top of that, i feel huge. i just dont know how i can deal with all this now .

but you are so right paige---yes i did gain weight--(more than i wanted) but i did CURE myself and it was good to get that extra nutrition---cuz look i cured myself. now, if i could just stop calling myself fat...ugh...
it is so weird how just a few extra pounds can make me feel like i gained a lot of weight. but i feel out of control now--with everything. i cant take it.

my fiancee said he would help me. but i hate putting this on him --all of my financial problems--it sucks! i beleive in independence and i hate taking help. i mean, he has been helping me out so much. but i hate putting all my woes onto him. this just sucks! i feel so sad and i was crying all the way to my therapist.

im gonna call tomorrow to see what is going on and why this happened.
but yes----i gained extra weight but i did HEAL myself.
im just mad i accidentally went a bit over what i wanted to gain.
funny how im not happy underweight or with weight. my therapist suggested buying a doll and changing her looks instead of me all the time. she explained to me im not a doll to mess with . i know. sigh...

thanks you guys i love you all...

love
maureen

8

Hey Maureen,

Calm down everything is going to be okay. Yes Paige was right. You needed the food and the little weight to help cure yourself :) and look what you have now! Your health! That is so great. Yes you may have gained a little more than you wanted to be but you are NOT a NUMBER! You are Maureen. You are beautiful how you are.

And its great your fiancee is there for you. Its all going to be okay. I totally understand wanting to do things on your own and being independent because I am that way too! But sometimes we fall down and thankfully we have people that can help us stand back up again :)

Just keep looking at the positives. Take some deep breaths. Everything will come together I promise.

I hope to hear from you soon and hope tomorrow is better
allee

9

awww thanks alle--yes i did get my health back...im still hurting in my tummy but i did get my body workign again. it is jsut like--so much at once. my therapist was great. she had me relax and listen to the rain. i just hate having the rug pulled from under me. for no reason . near my BIRTHDAY. yes in 2 weeks ill be 34--ahhahaha--no --3 weeks or so!

i guess i hate putting all this on my fiancee. he said he is from the old school where a man takes care of a woman, and that is sweet but i hate putting my problems onto him. but i have to do what i have to do....and i will somehow get through this...

thanks for the sweet compliments allee----that was so kind, no, im not a number and i did heal myself--and let me tell you that was one hell of a virus and DANGEROUS at that. that was severe...

thanks a lot you warmed my heart.

love

maureen

10

Well first off, happy early birthday! Mine is coming close too :) October 1st and I'll be 18!

And I'd also like to add that during your sickly time, I'm going to guess you weren't very active, if at all? Just lying in bed and only getting up to pee? Your body probably had no energy to do much, and all the energy you were GIVING it, it was using to help heal itself, and probably holding onto it just in case it needed to fight more, but like I said, I didn't need all to fight more because you helped cure yourself!
Now back to the sedentary aspect..That's not part of your regular schedule, so I'm sure while there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with your extra weight gain and you still look as BEAUTIFUL AS EVER, it will all balance itself out once you get yourself back into your regular schedule.

I'd also like to reiterate what Allee said: You are NOT a number. You cannot be described in any way by some stupid digits...haha sometimes, I think back to the magic school bus (anybody watch that show?) Anyways, there was a space episode, and the kids traveled to all these different planets, and on each one the gravity was different, and thus they weighed less or more. On some planets the kids, and even Liz the lizard, could not even move; on others, they couldn't touch the ground...yet on every single planet, no matter what the gravity, the kids actual appearance did not change. They could may have gone from 10 times their weight to -10 their weight ...but they still looked THE SAME. Gravity determined their weight, not the size of who they were.
It just makes me see things in a different light, to think about the broad aspect of such a thing....what do we TRULY weigh, you know? For me, I am weightless :) I like to think I float day to day, up by the clouds, over the mountains, and all over the world. I'm not going to let gravity hold me down so much that I can't move. Are you?

Paige xoxo

11

Hey Maureen! Your list of positives made me smile. It's amazing that you can take an honestly scary situation (illness, weight gain,etc) and turn it into a list of positive things. I am soo proud of you!! It's hard especially after an illness but it was what your body needed to fight off being sick! You are such a strong woman, keep up the good work, we're here for you anytime :) Sonrisas

12

thanks sonrisas .... still feel huge though---kinda like a house. ugh...and i didnt even gain that much..but it is like....crappy.

i got the rug pulled from under me. i lost the checks i get every month due to technicallity --well, actually it is for a few months ...so---the only thing i have coming in for the next few months is my savings and very little of my monthly payment....

i am very very sad..and im trying to make a positive out of this one but --no, i cant find a positive on this one. my therapist is being great though--and sent me a sweet little note today. so kind of her.

so that lifted me up. so, i just dont know and this quite effectivley ruins my plans for what i had in mind for myself.

and my birthday is in a few weeks, and the holidays are coming up--so this is a bad time for no money...or barely any...

thanks though, sonrisas...

love
maureen

13

Money doesn't define who we are. It's tough when finances aren't great but things will get better. Keep the same outlook. Make a list of the positives and plan accordingly. Things will work themselves out. Don't worry love!!! :) Sonrisas

14

Maureen...sorry to just now be joining in....lots going on here! I'm glad you are feeling better....but wow! what a sad thing to hear about your friend.
What is the date of your birthday? I know, but everyone else may want to know..♥
Thanks for the chat, friend! Take care....looking forward to hooking up with you in October!!
HUGS....Jan ♥

15

thank you for the lovely chat, jan! you are awesome as always! it is weird i feel like i have been talking to you for sooo long....

cant wait to get together! and celebrate my b-day!

oh, and the NEDA walk is around the corner ! yea!

yes im sad about that guy--geez --sometimes you just dont know what to think. he was really nice and joes son is really upset. it is awful. but i just had to make the connection that if we abuse ourselves----we just give out. period. no expalnations --no ifs ands or buts.

my birthday is October 11th! and it will be my first on on here--for last year i hadnt found this site or was in recovery--i was still in and out of my ED.

but i am approaching a year! of no ED--not quite--and i cant count all my times cause sometimes i did relpase but overall--yea i did make it... ok with a few exceptions...here and there....

love to you, jan!

maureen