One of the things I think I despise the most about this addiction is how isolating it can be. Mentally this addiction has wrecked havoc in my life, over the past year or so I’ve convinced myself that not only could I control it, but that I needed it back in my life and slowly but surely I’ve been rebuilding the same walls, brick by brick that I worked so hard to break down when I started recovery 6 years ago. I feel completely defeated sitting here writing this because in a moment of clarity I’m seeing how far I’ve slid and frankly I’m ashamed to even post. I don’t know any of you personally so I think the feeling is coming from admitting to myself that I’ve failed… again. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted, I don’t even know why I am, maybe just to not feel so alone in this moment, I don’t know that I’m ready to face the failure and the shame of letting someone close in to this, so thank you for allowing me to post and get these feelings out.
I think you called out a very important part of the addiction, being Lonely. have you found anything that helps you with that? I was in denial about how strong my addiction was, over the last 6 years. In the last 12 months, i have found some things that help me, I started to attend a support group, others people with similar issues and that has helped me to get a sense of community and fellowship. I know that we have similar issues and having a place to talk and just have others that believe in each other is very uplifting.
I know you must feel shame, but addiction occurring is kind of out of our control, like how can one person just enjoy and the other person becomes addicted. Just be proud of yourself for knowing this is something you need to deal with. That is amazing. I am proud of both of you. This is what this site is about right, us being honest.
The support groups I have been to (SA in particular) have a fundamental issue with my sexuality. Living in a rural area like I do there are very limited options. Maybe it’s an excuse for me to turtle up and hide within myself but I don’t won’t go back to locking away this part of me just sit I can feel a part off something. I don’t know… I guess bright side is that the most and lonely feelings are fairly comfortable by this point. Thank you for the replies. Griz I’ve always valued you, thank you, I wish you nothing but the best in your journey.
Why in the world would your sexuality be an issue in a support group for addiction? Bible belt?
In SA they believe that sex should only happen in marriage and that marriage is between a man and a woman. So yeah… tried to get around that by just keeping my own understanding and working the principles according to my own life. It worked for a while but I found myself doing the very same things that I did growing up to hide my sexuality, found yet again that porn was the easiest way to appease the hole inside from not being true to who I am 100%.
I know that my biggest problem with porn has and always will be the fact that for a moment I feel like I’m not being judged or having to hide any part of me. I feel like the best way for me to get better is to be in a position where I don’t have to be so hyper focused on who I’m putting out there and then relying on porn to bring that feeling of “happiness”. Even though I’m out now it still just feels like the part of me that I have to hide. Old habits I guess… I don’t know.
That is beyond antiquated thinking, but hun, you are perfect the way you are and you are allowed to struggle just like a cis gender/straight married person, porn is wonderful for some and for others way too much and an escape that becomes a black whole. I see you and am so proud of who you are and who you are working to be. Hugs.
I do not have any advice for you but just wanted to say how much your words hit my heart. The insight you have on this ‘journey’ of yours and your willingness to share is so powerful. So thank you wherever you are and ‘one step in front of the other’ I feel you can get where you want to go.
Perhaps one day you will be helping others who have yet to stumble into the ‘havoc’ caused by addictions. Wishing you so much good.