Feeling hopeless

So today isn't the greatest day.
Yesterday I restricted quite a bit, eating all low calorie foods to fill me up instead of better foods. Plus I had Kung Fu, so it was probably a real burn. And I want to do the same again today...the restricting anyways.

Today I just really don't want to maintain. I'm afraid of gaining and so I'd just rather loose weight. I don't even feel fat. Has anyone ever gotten that? The ED isn't making you feel bad about your weight a lot but yet you want to loose anyways?

I'm just feeling hopeless today and want to give into everything.

Hey u.

Sorry you are having a bad day. I wish i had great words of comfort but i have also had a bad day.

Yes, the ED is not making me feel about my weight at the momennt but i still want to loose and i am not sure why. It makes no sense since i really need to gain and not loose.

What are you feeling hopeless about? You don't have to answer is you wish not to.

I know that for me, i am feeling hopeless about ever accepting food as a part of my life. And that causes me to turn to the ed and then feel hopeless again.

Is there anyone that you can talk to?

Are you still getting professional help??

I hope you have a better end to the day.

xx

Sweets, Hopeless is what we all feel cause this is what it does to our minds. It controls every thought and consumes us with fear to eat thinking that we are going to gain a pound and not fit in our extra small clothes the next day. I feel hopeless cause even though people say you can beat our ED we allow ourselves to think different cause that is the hold our ED has on us. Today I feel WEAK AND TIERED. I take in not even 150 calories a day lot of days NONE. That is where people draw there energy from is FOOD AND GOOD HEALTHY FOOD. But we dont, that is what separates us from them and that is HOPELESS. Look up at the sky and think of something that made you laugh or smile and just go with it. That is how I get through my days sometime is finding humor in something that someone said or someone did or what ever the case maybe just do that today and see if you feel a bit different then how you feel at that moment. PLEASE DO THAT FOR ME CAUSE I WANT TO KNOW IF IT MADE YOU DO FOR YOU WHAT IT DOES FOR ME.
HUGS AND WE CARE AND WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.
YOUR NOT ALONE.
JENN

Thanks srebotnik,

Myself, I really should gain more too. I'm at the minimum weight for my height, and I've been stuck trying to get any higher than that for a long time. Usually loosing rather than gaining, then gaining a bit and loosing. And I'm just feeling hopeless about ever reaching that goal. I'm still afraid to eat a lot of things but I'm really starting to challenge myself again and I think that's the problem.

I'm afraid of what I'll look like if I gain more because I feel good about myself right now. I'm happy where I am weight wise, it's the food I have the issue with, and trying new things.

I've got some people I can talk to. My boyfriend is always helpful, and I'm feeling better after talking to him. I've also got a counselor and dietitian that I should get back in contact with. My counselor at the least anyways. She went on vacation for the past 2 weeks, and I thought I had called and left her a message, but she never got back to me. I'm going to try calling tomorrow once I have my work schedule for next week so I can make an appointment.
I think it's for the best.

I hope you're feeling better too. Are you having the same issues as me, or is it something different that's got you down? I find going for a nice walk helps me think things through sometimes. It's really peaceful to just be out in the nature.

Feel better xoxo

Hey u.

Firstly, i am so glad that there are people in your world to support you. I cannot state enough how important this is.

I like you, feel comfortable with my weight. Messed up for me since i am underweight. When i was at the lower end of normal, i also felt quite comfortable and even thought i needed to put more on. Then the ED got worse and i lost more and now, i am also scared to put on weight. At the moment, i am weighing myself a lot less than before since i find that weighing myself impacts my day badly, oftentimes. If my weight is up, i feel bad, if it is down, i feel i need to restrict more. So either way, there is no gain. So, i weigh myself a lot less now.

My problem is that i am afraid to keep anything in. Before, i had a fear of certain foods because i would only allow myself to eat things i thought i could keep in. Now that purging is out of control, i am afraid to eat most things. There are about 3 food items i can keep in at the moment. But i feel so afraid if i allow myself to eat other things, i will be out of control and then b/p.

I also know that at the moment, i am confused about what happens once people (family members) live with know the full extent of the ed. Mine do but they let me get on with things pretty much even though they say that they are there for me and i should tell them what i need. But i don't know what i need. How they can help me. Should they handcuff me? Lock me in my room and only allow me out for supervised meals? Lock the bath and only let me use it outside of meal times?
I don't know. I am confused and VERY lonely. I love nature but when b/p is strong, usually at night, it is like i have tunnel vision and nothing else matters.

Man, you have helped me pour some stuff out. Thank you.

Calling your counsellor tmrw sounds like a great idea. I hope you are able to get through to her.

Question for you now. Why are you worried about what you will look like with more weight? What do you think you will look like and what is the best and worst case scenario for allowing yourself to put on more weight and what is the best and worst case scenario for staying where you are?

Wishing you well.

xx

Sorry it’s taken so long to reply. I’ve been doing better the past couple of days but 2 days ago I broke and purged. I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t really even binge, just restricted a lot throughout the day and tried to make it up at night time and just couldn’t take it. My mind was in a daze and I didn’t even think to stop myself.
But since then…well, yesterday, I’ve been working towards a higher calorie intake. It’s tough but I know it needs to be done with my activity level.
I’m also trying to kick my Coke Zero addiction (Sometimes I drink 6 cans a night!) and that’s very hard to do. I’m craving the caffeinne constantly, but on a lighter note my heartburn has lessened and my appetite is better :slight_smile:

My counselor unfortunately is on holidays and gets back tomorrow. I sure hope I can make an appointment this week to get me back on track.

Hmm…what I’m most afraid of about what I will look like with more weight is that I’ll look like the chubby kid I used to be. I wasn’t the skinniest kid, and I’m afraid to go back there. I’m also afraid of a round tummy instead of flat one. I’m getting more used to that now though at least. My stomach, as my boyfriend described it, used to be concave, and I think I look much better now, as does he. But he also said I’d look even more attractive with more weight on. I guess it’s more a mental state. I was never the skinny one of my old group of friends, and now I am. They were always getting the luck, and the guys, the popularity, and I wasn’t. So being skinner at least I had one up on them. I’m also afraid of having to get a whole new wardrobe…I don’t have the money for new clothes.The thing I focus on most is my stomach and hips, and right now I like the size, so I’m afraid it will change.
But let’s try your idea:
Best for putting on weight: I’ll be healthy and won’t have to worry about gaining or calorie intake (not getting enough) and I won’t get tired as easily as I sometimes do.
Worst case for gaining: I’ll be unhappy with my body shape and feel miserable in whatever I wear. I’ll constantly struggle with eating food in fear of gaining.
Best for staying where I am: I’ll struggle at times worrying if I gained or lost, but all my clothes will still fit .
Worst: My eating disorder will stay with me forever for listening to it and I’ll never live freely and happily.

hm… so I’m liking best case for gaining, and I hope if it turns into the worst case I’ll eventually accept myself with the help of people around me.


As for you my dear, I am sorry to hear about your food limitations. I would definitely recommend to stop weighing yourself…maybe put it somewhere you can only access with permission by someone else?
As for food, I know what you mean. But avoiding your binge foods won’t get you anywhere. Try to put them into your regular diet and you might find it harder to binge on them. I know peanut butter was BIG problem for me, but peanut butter on toast in the morning helped.
The out-of-control thing I also understand fully, and it takes a long time to get full control back…but you still can :slight_smile:
Take whatever you want from the kitchen, and bring it out of the kitchen, sit down with someone else to eat it and have them sit and talk to you for a bit. Or perhaps as soon as you’re done eating go for a walk. And walk around till the feeling to binge is gone. Also, really focus on your hunger. If you’re not hungry, why are you eating? Distract yourself in any way possible: music, tv, writing, calling a friend, take a shower (it works!) or drinking a hot tea. And if you don’t catch yourself remember not to purge, because the purge makes the binge okay. If you don’t allow yourself to purge, the ED will get angry, and eventually won’t want to binge anymore because you’re not going to get rid of it. Tell yourself “no” scream “NO” “NO I WILL NOT PURGE! I AM STRONG, AND THIS FOOD IS STAYING IN ME! I NEED THE NUTRIENTS!”
Do you eat regular portioned meals throughout the day?

As for your family, sometimes it is hard for them to understand. My mother often told me to come to her if I was going to binge or purge and I never did. I was embarrassed, you know? But I found other ways, as I mentioned with distractions. But you dont’ have to take my route! If your family needs to monitor you like that then maybe that’s what they need to do. You want to get better right? Right now the illness is serious enough that someone else may have to be the stronger force in helping you stop, and monitoring could be the answer.

It’s all small steps though my friend, and eventually it will seem like a giant leap. One of my first small steps after admitting to my boyfriend and having him sometimes monitor me on skype, was stopping myself during my purge. Not letting me get everything out. Sure I still did the deed, but it felt like I had a bit of control over it. I also tried to stop eating as much food too, but that was harder.
I believe you can do it though <3

I love my cabin in Estes Park, the woods and the sound of the rushing streams and the wind through the trees is so relaxing. When I am side tracked with nature, I almost forget about my illnesses and I am able to eat more and have more of an appetite up there. My favorite things which I always indulge on is the Rocky mountain chocolate factory, carmael apples are so good. I ate two yesterday and feel quite pleased with myself. I do not fear food like you all, but I do not have much of an appetite therefore do not assume all the calories I should eat. I do hope you both can find a good counselor, therapist and nutritionist, that put me back on track some what