Feeling like life is over. Found out about my husband's onli

Feeling like life is over. Found out about my husband's online affair just over three years ago. Was totally blindsided. It nearly destroyed me. The lies and trickle truth over the few months following were torture. I went through all the cycles, grief, anger, hopelessness. I discovered that I was totally emotionally dependant on my husband. It was the worst experience of my life. I got ill, dropped weight, threw up every day, panic attacks, vertigo, I felt like I was nothing without him and the life we built. I didn't want to live. He gave up the affair and decided to do counseling. He slowly talked me back in. We spent the better part of the two years following working on the marriage. It was incredibly hard and painful. We were just talking recently about how after 3 years we made it through the other side. And while things can never be the same, we were happier and closer than ever. I asked him on Saturday how he was feeling about things.how was he feeling about me? He loves me very very much, he said. How was he feeling about our relationship, I asked. He took my hard and looked me in the eye and said he thinks we are doing great and our relationship is healthy. We finally found true love and happiness. Sunday I catch him in a trivial lie and call him out. Monday I overheard him trash talking me to a female friend he is not supposed to have contact with without me knowing. Part of the new boundaries set. I walk into his office to confront him, sit at his desk, and he's got some other bimbo in chat on the screen. Wham. I can't say it shocked me as much this time, but still hurts like hell again. He signed himself back up for counseling this morning and is back to begging but I'm not naive and hopeful like I was the first time...I just feel dead now. I will never ever trust him again. It's pointless. Despite our growth the last three years, I am still emotionally dependant on him. I don't want to lose the life I have. But the thing I wanted most was the bond we shared, now severed again. I don't have it in me to go back to checking phone records, checking up on him, trying to make sure he is happy. if all the work we put in, and all the suffering he saw me endure didn't change the ways he thinks before it never will. Heartbroken, scared... feeling like I can't go on. He swore to me hundreds of times I would never have to worry about suffering this torture again. Told me I was safe with him, it was safe to trust him because he die himself before putting another minute if pain on me like that. Cried in my arms about the trauma he put on both of us...the shame, the pain. He never wanted that again for either of us. WTH. I'm hurting so bad right now.

He doesn't do it to hurt you. He gets something out of it. He sounds like he is addicted. Like a gambler, always chasing the "winner" feeling. He knows it is wrong but still feels a need to do it. Hurting you in the process. It is habitual. You have to decide what is best for you. Could you live with a man with this problem? You should seek out counseling for your codependency. You need peace and happiness with or without him.

1 Heart

@Inmylittleroom you are totally right and I know these are his issues. The first time I questioned everything. Now I know better but it still leaves me devasted.

This is my biggest fear. That my husband will put me here again. I am so sorry. I know it wouldn't affect me the same way but it will still hurt. Know this isn't your demon it's his.I have told my husband if he ever makes me feel like that again I'm gone and I mean it. Even though it would tell me he's a broken man I would realize I can't fix him and my soul couldn't take it anymore. I wish you the very best and I hope you do what's best for you whatever that may be. I think I have still no I know I'm still guarding my heart because of that fear.

@Kas1966 yes you said it exactly. I even told him numerous times it was my biggest fear. Just the other day. He said I’d never have to worry. In his case, we’ve discovered through our marriage work, that last time it was an ego boost…it wasn’t even sexual. He just needed someone to tell him how wonderful he was…poor guy …wife treats him so bad. You know how they do it. Always some equally insecure woman out there to mutually feed off. So we discovered the issue and he worked in it in counseling. We were doing amazing. I was always sceptical that he was “fixed.” But he was consistent and did so many things to repair the marriage. I believe he kept true to me for the best part of three years. But when I confronted him Monday, it was like he never heard any if this before. I am so confused. By this morning reality has sunk in and he is forthcoming and accepting responsibility. But what good is it now? It was terribly painful and difficult to rebuild trust after the first time. Now I know the fate is sealed. I reached out to the friend. I know there is nothing between them, she actually chastised him for trash talking me. I think that’s why he went online the same morning because he didn’t get his ego stroked by the friend. He didn’t get far with the online thing…they were still in introductions when I walked in. Shit luck for him. But just knowing he got on the slippery slope after making a vow to both me and himself he never would is betrayal all the same. The trust is still broken. He is at the therapist as we speak hoping she can tell him what the he!! is wrong with him. I’m just in a state of misery. So deflated.

I’m so sorry. I feel sick for you right now. As Kas said - my biggest fear. At the back of my mind, no matter how much work my husband’s done on himself and we both have done to rebuild our relationship, I worry that in a moment of insecurity he’ll fall back into old patterns of thinking and behaving. I too would feel dead inside. The recovery process is so exhausting. I’m just so d…. sorry!

1 Heart

So sorry to hear this sounds like anyone's biggest nightmare come true. I fekt so much pain for you to be deceived again like that. My wife did somewhat similar 7 years ago when she first caught up with AP I was heart broken she just wanted to get closure but I was trusting was suppose to meet him so I allowed it. 8 years later she confessed after I busted her in 2019 to an affair 7 months after marriage that she kept secret but same thing ill never do this blah blah. Your so important please take care of yourself find ways therapy friend whatever it takes I can but can't imagine the devastation you are feeling. We are here for you think my best therapy has been this site so sorry

1 Heart

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know what you mean about how finding out this time doesn’t cut as deep as finding out the first time, even though in reality, it’s so much worse.... how can they be so devastatingly self-serving? I have also experienced a couple different D days with my husband, first discovering emotional affairs, then a year later, more emotional affairs, then a few years later, sexual affairs. We are trying again. He knows this is his last chance with me. We are doing emotionally focused couples therapy this time, and it has helped me really understand that he just isn’t the person I thought he was. I am very clear on what I need from him now, and I am waiting to see if he will really get it this time. One thing you said, that you talked with your husband about a minor lie.... i’m not sure if that led to him reaching out for outside attention/reassurance, but that is what my husband does.... he can’t handle any criticism so when he thought my love seemed conditional, he looked for positive unconditional attention with no strings attached. You might want to read about “whole object relations” if you’re not familiar with it. Good article here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201902/how-do-you-develop-whole-object-relations-adult

1 Heart

@sunfloweraf yes, you are exactly right. The lie incident was the trigger. And we’ve since talked about the fact what I see as a necessary uncomfortable discussion about a issue I have , discussed and resolved, he sees as a personal attack against his character and walks away feeling like he’s not good enough and can never make me happy. It’s not the truth, its his hidden insecurities tell him he is not good enough. But he doesn’t tell me how he feels. He seeks out other women to feel validated, someone to tell him how great he is…and in order to do that he is portrayed as the victim. We’ve gone through all this. He worked on it for a while in counseling but then covid hit and sessions were stopped. He thought he was better. So did I. Thank you for your suggestions, I hadn’t heard of them but will definitely check them out.

I'm going to turn the discussion on you, because I was you a year ago. Stop saying what he did. Start figuring out why you chose to stay. You claim to be emotionally dependent. Why? What is it in your past that makes you feel that way. Mine was my childhood and being treated like I was worthless by every man important to me. They made me feel like I was not worth walking away. Now I stay because hubby keeps me safe from my abusive ex. Meanwhile, I grow stronger every day until I can walk away whole. You can, too. I've learned that just because some people thought I was worthless, others value me. Surround yourself by those that value you. Stop focusing on him and take back YOU.

2 Hearts

@Betrayedbyasexaddict yes, I’m emotionally dependant because of not getting emotional needs met as a child also. First marriage was awful. I was brave enough to walk away but I was a broken person. Current spouse was my hero. He has a hero complex, I’ve since learned. I suppose in the beginning we fed each other’s insecurities. But as the years went on I think I’ve matured emotionally, he lags behind. I can recognize the unhealthiness of it now. First time around my first thought was to leave the relationship, but I was nowhere ready. This time it feels like, ok I may need to leave this relationship, let’s start getting things in order.

From Romantic Relationships to Cheating & Infidelity