Feeling overwhelmed. Got blindsided in early January when my wife of 17+ years told me "it's over." We've been separated since that day. The divorce process has happened so quickly that now, less than a month later, we're just waiting on the judge's signature to make it final. Yes, I could've dragged my feet but, if she wants out that badly, why delay the process? We worked with one lawyer to minimize expenses.
No physical abuse or addiction. I'm pretty much positive there's no infidelity because there were no gaps of time she couldn't account for and no secretiveness about her mobile devices. I was never unfaithful. We got together after first marriages to chronically unfaithful spouses, so that sort of thing was abhorrent to us. She said she's just not in love with me anymore. I'm just suddenly no longer part of the life we had together.
I've been very close with my stepchildren throughout the marriage. They're grown with their own kids now. They have not contacted me to ask what happened or to see if I'm okay (somewhat to be expected, but also somewhat hurtful). However, the stepdaughter did offer to give me a piece of furniture. I will reach out to them after it's finalized to let them know I will always care about them.
I've had plenty of mixed emotions about the situation. We haven't gotten along all that well for several years now. However, we are Christians and I thought we both believed that there are a limited number of reasons to justify ending a marriage. She does not have any of those reasons to divorce me.
Sometimes I would do anything to fix it. Sometimes I feel like I'll be way better off when I'm farther down the line in the grieving and healing process.
I'm trying to do all the right things like exercise, self-improvement, counseling, praying... all that stuff. Some days it helps a lot. Most days I feel like I'm drowning and cannot breathe. This stage of the of the grieving and recovery process sucks.
I just needed to vent. If you made it to this point, thanks for taking the time to read it all.
Welcome. It's such a hard period to go through and it seems grief can't be rushed. Some people get through it faster than others. But thus time around really knocked me down. All the things I used to enjoy before my ex, even my grandchildren, gave me no joy. I used to say it was like a dark cloud was permeating everything. Another person described it as being under a wet blanket 24/7. I think heartache is one of the hardest things you'll ever go through. There are losses on so many levels. I left almost 3 years ago and still have dreams about him occasionally. Still trying to get my life on track financially. You might try attending a Divorcecare. It is Christian based, I'm not religious but I still found it very helpful. Also went to a hypnotherapist a couple times which was helpful but too expensive. It's a rollercoaster, one minute you might be doing ok and the next doing horrible. Might do well for a week and then the next 2 weeks not. My doctor gave me some anti anxiety medication that I took a few times on the really bad days. I am doing much better than I was but can't say I'm happy and wondering if I ever will be. I was fine before my ex, then happy, and now I can't seem to get back 100 percent. I think it's because I lost the final chance at my dream life, the dream I had all my life of having a family, and now I'm too old. I think I have some hang ups I need to get through. Life almost seems pointless at times. But I keep doing the work and plugging along. I haven't seen my stepdaughter for 2 years now. And I was a good part of her life for 7 years. She is 15 now. I still think about her every day and often regret leaving her. I'm sorry this one didn't work out for you. Seems it should have. Hang in there!
@beth65, Thank you for your encouraging words. The rollercoaster you describe is very real for me. This is all so fresh that emotions change from hour to hour and sometimes minute to minute.
There is a church in this town that offers Divorce Care. I’ve sent an email and plan to participate.
Best wishes and prayers for your continued journey toward healing and happiness.
You are not the only one I got the same thing after 14 years of marriage she just told me she didn't love me anymore and walked out on my and our children. Leaving everything behind. My daughter and my son wondering if she ever even loved them, and I can't answer the questions. Sometimes the sound of the cry's rolling through the house drives me mad and I wonder if I will make it through the storm and realize I don't have a choose I have to for them. If not, there is no one else and I love them too much to put them through any more pain.
@babyhuey38 I feel your pain, friend. Nurturing and comforting your children is THE MOST important thing you can do in this life. Doing it alone, without the other parent, can be excruciating.
I have discovered that journaling helps me, as does listening to podcasts from a Bible app I have on my phone. I’m happy to share the link to the app if you’re interested.
I just wrote in my journal something that I heard in one of those podcasts today… “Healing cannot occur until you forgive, and forgiving cannot occur until you let go.” Not sure if that speaks to you, but it really hit home with me.
I hope you find peace and comfort in your journey.
Wow, what a tremendous change to go through in such a short time. One of the things that I've been thinking about lately is that we all deserve to be happy and we all control whether we are happy. I'm 2 years from learning of my husband's infidelity and over a year from the divorce being finalized. The first 4-5 months were brutal. But, now that I'm further along I realize I wasn't happy, our marriage wasn't happy. I'm happier now and I deserve to be happy. But, I also realize that my ex also deserved to be happy. We both stayed out of obligation I think, or maybe refusing to acknowledge our unhappiness. We certainly didn't work deliberately to improve our marriage. So, he took a path of infidelity and I took a path of burying myself in work. Both were avoidance strategies. I should have left sooner, he should have left sooner. As, I come to that realization my anger dissipates and my own accountability allows me to realize that I have control of how the rest of my life plays out. So, I've spent the last 18 months working on who I want to be. Because, ultimately I deserve to be happy and I'm the only one that controls whether I achieve it.
@CKBlossom, Thank you for your kind and welcoming words of support.
I can tell by the score beside your name that you’ve offered many supportive comments to people. You are probably more of a blessing to people than you might realize.