Feeling very anxious, guilty and depressed about my relationship with my wife. I had an affair a year ago. I think I was looking for admiration my wife used to have for me but no longer did. Its been nine months since I told my wife about my one time sexual encounter with the other woman and my wife still has so much pain I wish I could take it from her. She says she wants a divorce but doesn't know if she wants to leave me. Anyone else in a situation like this?
2 Hearts
In the past I have had this situation with my ex-husband. It was me who cheated. We didn't manage it well - our marriage dissolved. I think it is possible to do it differently. If you really want to be with her, you can do a lot to gain her trust again: to make amends, to learn how to listen to her, (one of he biggest), learn how to be honest and how to gain her trust trough being transparent, working on your relationship communication issues.... Lots of options. Do you want to be with her?
Let me start by saying it takes balls to post this here, you have earned my respect for posting it and for wanting to be better. My wife cheated on me and it's been hell on me since but she hurts like you do and regrets it. I hope you get the closure you need and begin to heal with your spouse
3 Hearts
I love her so much and I feel so much pain for hurting her her this way. I try my damnist to show her love but my timing is off.
@stevenfj45 You say that it was 9 months ago you told her. Did she ask you for a divorce then or is it a new thing? What happened during this time? She might feel that you care now when you don’t feel confident if she wants to be with you, but she might not be certain if you would not change when she forgives you and everything goes back to normal. The only thing you might be able to do is to accept the painful reality that she is in power now, it’s here move and it’s up to her to reject you or accept you. In my case my husband at the time tried to heal his sorrow trough meeting another person, and I made mistake of accepting that. It led o a chain reaction… Bad idea.
Forgiveness is key. She needs to forgive you and you need to forgive yourself. I agree that it will take a ton of work. But if you both feel it worth the time and effort it will work out. Good luck to you both.
I am a wife in that situation. My husband had an affair and completely broke my heart and I am having trouble coping also. He says the guilt is eating him alive, but he loves me and he's happiest when we are together, but I'm the complete opposite. He's trying but it's hard to explain. I look at him and it hurts, the things we did before his affair, don't hold the same fun anymore. You have to make a new life for yourselves, try new things. My therapist told me that if my husband makes plans for an evening out, I have to respect that and work on being pleasant. Hubby says same things, his timing is off, but I think there is no go time, we are sad and our hearts are broke, and in time we will heal.
1 Heart
I feel like im just waiting for to walk away
@stevenfj45 Do you mean for her to walk away?
Yeah
She needs me ti be there emotionally at night, I get reslly tired and fall asleepx when she wakes me im onrey and not supportive. When I later wake im horrified at how unresponsive I have been.
@stevenfj45 What does it mean to be there emotionally for her?
Listen to her, answer her questions, give a back rub.
I get so tired I cant stay awake and I let her down. Its hoing to cost me her being in my life. I say tonight ill do better but then most of the time I dont. Im so frustrated with myself.
@stevenfj45 Are you so tired at night because of some kind of exhausting job or is it something that comes from inside you?
She has already filled out the papers and signs with her maiden name
A lot of us I'm sure would take trade your one night for what we've been through. It sucks what you did but you woke up quickly because you love her. Humble yourself is the advice I can give... it was actually when my wife just told me she was going to wait as long as it took and do whatever needed to be done but would accept and understand if I chose not to stay...that was when I opened up my heart enough to start some rebuilding...humility is all I can say...all these situations where the cheater says to move on etc are bs...they should be humble and willing to do anything to make things better.
Stevenfj45~ We all r human and we all make mistakes. Some get caught, some confess and some think they get away with it. U see this choice is all urs. First step is to forgive ur self. Live and learn from ur mistake and that will help u to never make one like this again. It feels like crap I'm sure. Second is to give it time. Losing trust in a loved one is a process to rebuild and it can do so in time.. Open up communication and share ur thoughts. Don't let ur fears grow as they can and will if u let them . If ur wife wants this to work it will but, there is nothing u can do to change it if she does not I'm sorry. All u can do is change the man in the mirror and make him the
The best he can be. I'm sorry ur actions hurt ur family but, remember this too shall pass. Stand strong in what u believe in each day and let it fall were it will... Blessings!!
She says she doesnt know if she wants to be with me anymore. How can someone not know at all if they wantvto try or not?
Good views cake destroyer.. Sometimes things happen and it just pushes us to that edge of unknown. This might of hurt her really bad and she does not know how to move forward.. Try to put urself in her shoes and then think if her thinking is correct.. Time is the answer. Don't push it as healing does not happen over night. Time is the only answer and I'm sure one u r not looking for
@stevenfj45 having been in your wife's position, she has conflicted feelings. My husband and I didn't make it but I still love him to this day even with all that happened. She will need lots of time to sort out her feelings and they may change minute to minute. I appreciate your sorrow for what you did but you can't imagine what she is going through. I hope that you two make it because you seemed to have learned from your experience unlike my ex.