Feeling very depressed

FEELING VERY DEPRESSED. I M GIRL WHO IS LIVING WITH GRANDPARENTS DUE TO DEATH OF FATHER. MY MOTHER NEVER GAVE ME TIME. SHE GOT REMARRIED. I SPENT MY CHILDHOOD IN LONELINESS. WHEN I WAS IN 9TH STD, I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE BECOZ I GT VERY LESS MARKS IN HISTORY.. AND MY GRANDPARENTS ARE TOO STRICT. I WAS FRIGHTENED. I DINT SHOW MY MARKSHEET. I DRANK BAYGON.BUT IT DINT WORK ON ME. I HAD VOMITING.AFTER LONG TIME NOW AGAIN I M FEELING DEPRESSED AND GETTING INTENSE FEELING TO COMMIT SUICIDE.NOW I PASSED M.SC. I TRIED TO TRANSFORM MY NATURE, TRIED TO THINK POSITIVE. BUT EVERYBODY IS BLAMING ME. TODAY MY FIANCEE SHOUTED ON ME BECOZ HE WAS UPSET WITH MONEY MATTERS. HE MET ME 1 YEAR BACK. I WAS NOT INTERESTED IN HIM. BUT I SAID ES TO HIM JUST NOT TO HURT HIM. NOW GETTING MARRIED WITH HIM.I WANT TO CHANGE. I AM VERY ANGRY PERSON.SMALL PETTY MATTERS INFLUENCE MY ANGER.I GET DEPRESSED VERY EASILY.I GOT FEELING THAT EVERONE HATES ME. MY FRIENDS ARE JEALOUS OF ME.THEY ARE MY ENEMIES DUE TO WHICH I CANT SHARE MY SORROWS WITH THEM. THERE IS NO1 WITH WHOM I CAN SHARE MY PROBLEMS. MY FIANCEE GETS ANGRY SAYING U R PESSIMIST OR NEGATIVE THINKER. NEVER TRIES TO UNDERSTAND ME.NOW I M AT HOME NOT DOING JOB. MY MIND REMAINS EMPTY. I WATCH SERIALS, SURF INTERNET WHOLE DAY, TRY TO MEDITATE, READ BOOK ON HOW TO GET RID OF SELF NEGLECT. STILL I HATE MYSELF. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I AM.

sweetheart- I of course can't say i've been in your shoes- but i have been in the pair of being in a bad relationship. you just want to be loved- and there's NOTHING wrong with that. it seems like you've never had control over much of your life- and i truly believe you can take that control. i have dated some real jerks that tipped off my depression really bad. you think that it's "you" that has to change, that "you" can fix them. of course no one is perfect- but just from what you're saying, it sounds like he's enabling your depression in not helping in any way. i truly hope you have some other friends or another place to go. you say you are "responsible for what i am"- i truly feel with depression....you find out who you are- and chances are, it's not who you thought. you're stronger and braver than you ever thought. i've had friends in situations similar than yours, and i've been in abusive relationships. it is NOT easy to leave situations- but you ALWAYS can. trust that. you deserve this. you DO.

thanks mnstarlitebrite. feeling better after reading ur reply. i m trying hard to change myself.

it isnt that you need to change yourself love.
you just need to improve.
thats what were all here for.
were here to improve.
not change <3
i know the feelings of anger and hatred and depression you're feeling
a lot of us do
we not be there in the flesh but u have us to talk to.
nobody i have out here understands either
some claim they do.
but they dont.
so i came here.
and im glad i did.
im getting and giving help.
im here for you hun :)
we all are <3

I too have delt with suicidal thoughts. My father committed suicide when I was just 14, so it's always in the back of my mind. What if I end up that way too? The others said it right you just need that love and especially self love. You cannot help these feelings, you are in the right place we all came here for help and I'm glad we did. You need a little love and support to help you through your turmoltuous times. I know it's hard to cope with and deal with. But thats why we are here for you. Never give up and never give into your darker side. it's so much easier to go downhill than to go up again. I hope you find a little peace of mind sweetie and never give up on yourself, you are a fighter and a survivor. You've made it this far, just keep up the positive vibes and feel our energy here, we will help you and you can reach out to any one of us and we won't turn you away. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing and feeling. Hang in there I feel your pain and I stand beside you.

much love and light sweetie
soulkiss