Fertile Void

Hi all. trini here. I'm assuming this is how you start a discussion but I never know where things go once I send them out to space.
I've been dipping in on many sites but this one has the most heartbreaking stories I've read. Maybe because my heart was trashed by the socio. who just left me. And now I'm also alone. And I went crying to my therepist about all the emptyness in my heart, my soul,my days, and my future.
She said to me: Trina why don't you try and look at yourself as a 'Fertile Void'. She said this is a time to plant aspects of yourself you'de like to see grow. And she went on to say make a list, attempt new behaviors and fertilize them with practice and meditation. This is a time to experiment, not committment. Explore who you want to be. And practice doing things for Trina. Read, rest, meditate.
WELL, I don't know about anyone else out there but when she said: "Your a fertile void now, and now is the time to plant good things, practice becoming the type of woman you'd like to be. Yes, you're alone now but the world is your oyster. Hearing this perspective just flipped on all the light bulbs in my head. And yes I went home and I did make a list. Among many other things I decided to practice integrity, honesty and caring in my life. I want to continue to practice giving thanks to my H.P. for all the things and potentials he's given me. I want to memorize all 12 Rational Thinking (R.E.B.T.)therepy precepts and USE THEM to not be so hard on myself.
I wanted to move AT MY OWN SPEED. Practice doing things for Trina. And most of all I have to practice LIVING WITHOUT FEAR AGAIN. We all were tramatized in those toxic relationships and post tramatic stress is something we need to address not deny. For me, doing that started with NOT calling or visiting this dork who left me. I don't want to be bitter and when I am weak, I go to Buzzel.com and read how unhealthy that man is. Read: THAT Man, not ME, is the unhealthy one and why do I want to subject myself to more psychological warfare??????? I don't. I won't. I WILL learn to be happy with my new self even if he wants to come back. Stand firm in who you've become.
I've prattled on far too long. But the stories I keep reading from these heartbroken woman was strong enough to want to help. I hope some of this does help. Remember, you are a Fertile Void intent on filling the Void with whatever you want.

Peace out, Trini

Thanks Trini, I just love you and I do not even know you!! Imagine that is exactly what I got out of my therapy session today!!!!! I pray for both of us and all others who are going through the same that we continue the fight for US!!!!! We are all precious and deserve nothing but the best for ourselves!!!! Do not settle for anything less ladies!!!
Much love to all of you,
Lily
xo

Lily,

 Thanks for the compliment. I do know you over line.

And I don’t think that I’ve had chance to tell you that my ‘tag’ has changed (boring story) from Trini to Trina. I really want to continue the communiques we’ve shared so don’t be shy commenting on someone’s post name Trina. I’m still the social worker who can’t shut up sometimes but its always motivated by love and compassion. Or need.
Myself, for all my platitudes of independance and how wonderful it is…found myself at my ex’s house today for 2 hours watching a tape of the Michigan-Michigan State game.It was O.K. albeit my defenses were so alert, I left their not knowing how I felt. As an agoraphobic, I raced home. For better or for worse this visit comes on the heels of yesterday when he said he had some clothes I might like.
Well, I did. Like them. And I suppose I did’nt have the pride to say no to some rockin’ clothes his recently unsober high girlfriend of all of about 25yrs. old. She split on him and left all her clothes there. So he gave me quite a few(that would fit)outfits.
And so it goes without saying, now that she’s been kicked to the curb, I once again am getting all types of attention from him. Like I mentioned in another discussion, this guy is drop dead gorgeous and as smart or smarter than I am. We were best friends for those years,I mean as friends as you can be with a sociopath who cared nothing about me. But he always had practical advise and did all the guy things (cars,etc) I needed done. He just had no conscience. Then or, I’m afraid, now. What’s wrong with me. Why can’t I just run fast, run far. Another female person on this Post, gave me the words to a Carrie Underwood song. I’d call it a country version of an Alanis Morriset song: ‘You oughta know’. And it really helped.
Anyway, I’ve got to set some ffff boundaries and it’s very hard. I think he invited me over today just to have sex but I said “forget it. If we ever got back together, that’s a different story.” Sounds like a serious boundarie lapse to me. Don’t you think. What the hell was I thinking. I’ll tell you what. I was saying what I thought that he thought I would say. Ayyyy and theres the rub! All the psychological warfare back on the front lines.
I need to have my head examined. Enough, I really did just start to advise you of my new tag ‘Trina’. I hope I response from you. Thanks, Trina

Extremely inspirational, Trini.

I am taking this time to truly figure out who I am, my likes and dislikes, and most of all my identity outside of my relationship. I knew I was a person before, I want to be her again.

Thanks for the words. <3

Once you have cleared out the weeds that just took nutrition from the soil, leaving less healthy nutrition for the desired plants. Your left with fertile ground, where you can add more of the plant's you really want.

Your desires, cultivated as seeds of potential, on the path of spiritual awareness. Can blossom, in the form of the freedom to have those desires, in peace and harmony with your world.

If you don't like radishes than It doesn't matter what someone else thinks you should grow. It's your garden plant what you want in it.

Peace
trick

Thanks T.,

Makes the whole gig I'm starting here sound more desirable and understandable. again, thanks

Not farewell but fare forward,

Trina

Trini thanks for the wonderful post.

April

Thanks all for your enthusiasm re: Fertile Void. I know its working for me. What I really wanted to share as a support tip was the following prayer. I send it out to all whom I've come to know and care about. Thanks for all the advice. To you I dedicate the following Gaelic Blessing.

"Deep peace of the running wave to you,
Deep peace of the flowing air to you,
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you,
Deep peace of the shining stars to you,
Deep peace of the gentle night to you,
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you,
Deep peace of Christ, the light of the world
To you.