FINALLY had the ED talk with my momand I COMPLETELY regret it

Well after many debates and arguements with myself..I finally took the advice of those around me and dear family on this site and had "THE TALK" with my mom (eeek still sounds scary).

My counselor told me that she would like for me to have it done by Wednesday. I had decided last session that I would tell her today, but then after many events over the week I decided to put it off another week..then 3 weeks when we get back from vacation..then just to never tell her. But this Sunday morning at church something just 'hit me' and I knew I just had to get it over and tell her today.

I was dreading it so bad. A complete and total nervous wreck. I can't really get into details, mainly because I don't remember them. I told her and she said she knew that something had always been up but she just didn't really know what. I told her as much as I could, may not have been to honest about the extent of how bad things were but I just tried to do the best I could. I was crying like a baby. I told her I was trying to get better and about counseling. She asked what they thought I should do and I told her they wanted me to go Inpatient.

Boy did she NOT like that idea.

That's when she started getting angry. Thinking its a stupid idea, we have no money to pay for it, I don't need to go off, I have school and other responsibilities..things like that. She told me I had to just let her be angry and I told her that was totally fine that she had a right to be. She kept telling me to stop crying but I just couldn't. She started fussing about having to pay for my medical bills from the overdose, and still having to pay bills from when I had the accident when I was younger...and that it just wouldn't work out for me to go anywhere.

After a few minutes she calmed down. She knew I had to leave for church and it basically wrapped up with her saying that I am an adult and she has done her part at raising me that I had to figure this stuff out on my own. That she would help in any way she could, but she probably wasn't going to be able to pay anything for me to go off. I wanted her to agree that it wasn't her responsibility and I'm glad she did. She said it is up to me and Matthew to work out.

She did agree to go in the next week or two to speak with my counselor and see what she has to say. So I was happy about that. When we left things were okay, but I could SO feel that tension which I expected. When I talked to her on the phone after church she was crying alot.

So I guess things didn't go as BAD as I EXPECTED...but they did't neccesarily go as GOOD as I had HOPED. I did feel a bit of a relief. I mean I did what I was supposed to do right? I told her. Now we just have to work from here. I don't really feel much better though. I guess because now it is out in the open. I know it upsets and worries her, and I hate that and it makes me feel so bad. And it also just makes things more real.

I know that I also haven't felt very good the past few days physically. My body can't handle too much more I know. I feel like I've been thrown off of an emotional roller coaster.

But I did it.

oh sweet girlie-
you did the right thing...for yourself and for your mama. things are falling into place. for as much as she claims you are an adult blah blah blah, SHE is an adult as well... an adult struggling to accept that her baby is in pain. anger and frustration are often the reactions when what we NEED is love and support. honey pie, she is willing to chat with your counselor, and that is another piece falling into place.
we ALL want our parents' love and support....and sweetie, she is trying- to the best of her ability. for now, you need more than what she is able to give you....and inpatient is where you will get what you need.
you can and ARE doing this. i'm proud of you. little by little... step by tiny step. and please try to remember...that sometimes what we NEED isn't always presented to us in the nice, neat little package that we want... it will all work out the way it is supposed to.
all my love and support,
amy
xoxo

Kasee...good for you! I know this has been weighing on your mind for months, but it was the best thing to do for both of you! Of course this is a shock to your Mom, but regardless of her reaction, you did what you needed to do. Your Mom will choose how to deal with this, but you are not responsible for that. You are only responsible for getting the help you need, and moving forward with your life.
Please take care of yourself....HUGS...Jan ♥

omg. you are amazing and strong.... now if you will just answer the freakin' phone when I call you! LOL Love you girl! Can't wait to chat!!

Amy, Jan, and LA.....Thanks so much for constant words of encouragement! I really wouldn't be this far if it wasn't for the support of my family on here. Y'all me so very much to me! I think things will be okay. I know and am able to accept that it is a rough spot right now and it WON'T be easy. I know that I did what I had to do and I just have to keep pushing forward. I know that I have to be responsible for my words, thoughts, and actions. And I know that my mom has to be responsible for her words, thoughts, and actions. So I am TRYING to understand these concepts.

and LA! Girl! I haven't been sleeping lately and I DEFINATELY was not awake at 7:51 AM when you called!!!!!! hahah but I did absolutely love your voicemail :)

Kasee!!!! YAYYYYY!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

I'm soooo proud of you! If you don't mind me saying... :) I agree so much with Amy on this one! You did the right thing! Now, I know it's hard, but if there's any way you can let go of responsibility for your mom's reaction to your news... Yes, she's hurting right now. But she's hurting because YOU are. And THAT is the most important issue right now: YOUR pain... Inpatient will provide the support you need right now. In time I believe your mom will see that. But even if she never does, you can rest easy knowing that you've taken the brave and healthy steps in the right direction. ♥

Thinking of you sooo much! :)

Love you!

Jen

wow your so strong good for you that's a huge step you should be very proud of yourself :)continue the great work !!
love leah

Kasee: I am so proud of you. No one knows how hard it is to tell a parent something like this, not knowing what their reaction will be. I agree with Jen,Jan and Amy. You are always in my thoughts and prayers, sweetie

Well what i was afraid would happen did happen.

This morning my mom woke me up about 730 wanting to talk about everything. I tried to wake up the best I could but since I wasn't very chatty about the situation she snapped.

Apparently I have to do things her way now. She is going to find a therapist, doctor, and nutritionist for me to see. She is signing me up for a gym. I don't have a choice or say in anything anymore.

She said the only reason I WANTED to go to Remuda was because I have a friend there and I thought it was COOL to be sent off somewhere. That I have to just STOP throwing up and taking laxs and if I throw up or take laxs one more time she wants me out of the house and to never come back.

If I don't do things her way and if i dont stop the purging she is taking away my car and my phone. She said she wants me to get a job as soon as possible because if i stay busy then i wont struggle with this anymore. She said i lack responsibility and i have had things way to easy and she is just giving me "tough love".

She told me that I am killing her. For probably about an hour. She said that she is glad that she went ahead and purchased a spot in the cemetary because she is going to have a stroke and die and it will ALL be on me.

She told me my siblings are furious with me becuase they think I am doing this because i love them. She said if i kill myself then thats my just something i have to deal with but that at least she will have tried to do whatever she can to get me better.

She kept saying "This is a disease and my main goal is to get you better" but it has to be her way or I have to find some other way and somewhere else to live.

I am an ADULT and its time for me to GROW UP. I have been banned from hanging out from the friends that I hang with. She said I don't believe a GD thing that I preach in church and I am the "biggest GD hypocrite" that she knows. That I just play church and I don't really believe in God. That she thinks it is the biggest load of bullshit that I "do so much for others" because I don't do anything for anybody.

So that's pretty much it. This went on for about 3ish hours. I finally just said whatever I could to make her happy to stop. Since then she has been texting me saying that "i love you and we will get through this,,it will just be my way and how i say things go."

There was ALOT more that was said....this is the very very very edited version. Yeah I knew it would happen. I guess I am just going to play by her rules. Do what she says. Make her happy.

Maybe I can still get better.

Oh Kasee... I don't even know what to say. This makes me very sad, because you are a special, wonderful person and do not deserve to hear things like what your mother said. She is hell bent on putting you onto a total guilt trip. It is NOT your fault you have this illness, and you are NOT responsible for your mother's happiness, mental health or that of your family members. Because I know you are a strong girl with FAITH in God, you will get through this. But please know as I read your post, I was just sick to my stomach. I am sure your mom is just reacting and maybe she thinks this is the right approach, but you and I both know how wrong she is.

Kasee: YOU decide what is best for you. I know you are still living under her roof (I assume you are) but you are an adult and can make your own decisions. She cannot force you to do anything. (assuming you are over 18?) And she may not help you financially, but there are other ways to do that. I know Jan will be more than happy to advise you on how to get financial help for your treatment.

You are in my prayers constantly Kasee. Please hang in there, know that God will help you through this and we are all here for you.

Hey Kasee,

Firstly, i think you have been very brave in terms of telling your mum about the ED. The honest truth is that when i was your age, i would not have had the strength to do it. I also think that my mother's reaction back then may have been more similar to your mum's but as she has become older, and experienced more, she has become more compassionate.

I say that so that you still have some hope that your mum's reaction will not always be negative. I know that my mum had lots of responsibility and raised me and my siblings alone and she often felt overwhelmed and this came out in her anger and lack of compassion.

I think that you are doin the best you can to cope. Sometimes, this means telling our parents what they need to hear so they can give us room to breathe for just 5 seconds. The silver lining in your case may just be the fact that she has agreed to go to the counsellor. Hopefully, your counsellor will help her understand that the ED is not just about food and is not as easy as saying stop behaviours.

I think that what may be good is if you brief your counsellor on your mum's reaction and also tell your counsellor what you would like to happen as a result of her meeting with your mum. In the meantime, you just need to do what you have to to survive your home situation. This may mean not being at home so much, surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself and not believing the negative things which your mum says about you. It is those sorts of words that the ED latches onto like a leech to suck us of all self-esteem. Do not believe anything other that what God says about you. You are loved by Him abd by many others. I am sure your mum also loves you. She probably just does not understand what is going on and is angry about things going on with her which comes out in her rage to you.

Sorry this was so long but i have such affection for you be it only possible online. I was nowhere near as brave as you at your age and i hope you know that you have made some brilliant strides. Back in day, i would have said keep it a secret. Now i know that it is better to let it all out. No condition is PERMANENT. Remember that. Your home life will not be like this forever. Today will pass and will bring with it the hope of tomorrow.

Lots of love and hugs:

Sreb

xx

Kasee...I am so sorry that your Mom does not understand. I know you are financially dependent on her to an extent, but that does not mean that you have to play by her rules with this. YOU are an adult, but you are ill. YOU can make choices about your recovery. If Remuda or another treatment facility is an option for you, then you are free to take that option. Perhaps a therpist could help, and also help your Mom to understand better. But the bottom line is you do NOT have to do things her way to make her happy. This may be an important issue for you to process in terms of your present emotional distress and how it plays into the eating disorder.
I am thinking of you....Jan ♥

dear sweet kasee-
at least your mama's reaction is something you could see coming, you know? and telling her was inevitable... you WILL get through this. hopefully your counselor can shed some light on the situation for your mama so she can get a better grasp on what to do for you.
by no means am i excusing your mama's behavior, attitude, or rude statements to you...but you *thought* she could behave in this manner...and thus she did not surprise you.
you are courageous for coming forward NOW. i was your age when my college tried to intervene.... scared out of my mind, i twisted and turned my way out of the very help i needed. it WILL happen for you. it WILL.
thank you for sharing all that you do here.
thinking of you, girlie----fairy-god-daughter.....
xoxo

I just spoke with my mom again and she was a bit more calm. She agreed to let me continue to see my counselor, but she WON'T go visit or talk to her. She said she was thinking about it today and thinks that if I had something to call "my own" and be responsible for it will help. So she decided to look for me my own place to live that she will help pay for. She said maybe in a month or so I could move in and get back situated with school and get a job and if I have my own space and privacy and have everything in order on my own then it will help things get better.

Not so sure. But she was very into the idea so I agreed of course.

Kasee.... Yikes!! I'm reading all of this and just thinking that I should come and get you! I have room! sigh...

Eating disorders are difficult to understand, even for those of us with an inside view... For your mom to understand that they're very isolating conditions and NOT AT ALL selfish... That would make a HUGE difference, but I don't know that it's possible... I agree with Jan; you don't have to do things as your mom wants. Your recovery is more important than making your mom happy. I know that you need to survive your present situation, and I don't judge any of your decisions... I don't know WHAT I would do in your situation... I just hope that you'll remember YOUR RECOVERY is more important than ANYTHING else right now... Remember the flight attendants: Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others...

Sending lots of love, dear friend! I always have a ready room! ♥

Jen

Thanks everyone for all of your support. Jen PLEASE come and pick me up! I would so LOVE to come stay with you! I met with my counselor today and she is still really wanting me to go to treatment. But she understands that I want to make peace with my mom right now and don't want to go against her wishes.

Someone from Remuda called me again yesterday and we worked out the cost and I would have to pay $43,000 to go to treatment for 45 days :( way too much. I guess what I am going to do is just move out like mom thinks I should do to help. I will go to the psychiatrist and doctor she wants me to go to. My counselor says if I am honest with them then they will agree that I need inpatient treatment. And maybe it will take my mom hearing it from them for it to get through to her.

Unfortunately my counselor says that I will run into a problem with her company and any other therapist I go see...that by law there "code" or whatever is too hurt the patients as little as possible. And if they all agree inpatient is what I need and I can't go right now then I may not be able to go talk to them much longer because by law they will be "hurting" me more than helping. :( so sad.

I will just have to fight hard. I know I can figure something out.

Kasee,

Yes! Please be perfectly honest with these doctors! Don't hold ANYthing back! I agree that your mom may just need to hear it from others... A second opinion... Maybe even a third. Tough on you, I know... :0/ Hang in there, sweetie! And there's ALWAYS a room ready in Houston. ♥

Love you!

Jen

A very cozy room too, I might add! ♥
Kasee...yes, the doctors are bound by ethics to provide or recommend what you need in terms of treatment, so if you need more than they can provide, they are liable if they continue to treat you. It's best for everyone. Once, when I was really sick, I refused to go back into the psych ward (the 3rd time) against my psychiatrist's recommendation, so I had to sign a paper that released him of responsibility. He had to do that, and I understood, but I also knew at the time that the psych ward would not help me. At that time, that was basically the only option available. Now that good treatment is available, it's your best option.
RR's costs are astounding, and unreasonable, in my opinion. Of course, I am biased, since I was helped by the clinic I now work at :) But truly, there is more affordable treatment available. Regardless,honesty with everyone is the best policy always...you never have to remember what 'story' you told to who!
Take care....HUGS...Jan ♥

Thinking of you this morning, Kasee! ♥

Jen