I have battled with depression for many years in my life. I have just always been to scared and embarrased to admit it to myself or to anyone else. But the time has come to face this. I don't want to try to keep hiding it and make it worse. I have to change something in order to make it better.
All my life I have battled with self esteem issues. I have never been good enough for my mom. She is skinny and pretty and well I am not. one of the hardest things for me is pictures. I hate being in pictures. But in an effort to record memories last fall I scheduled a photo shoot for my husband and i with a really great photographer in our area. She does amazing work and I am sure that our pictures are amazing but I can't bring myself to looking at them anymore. I feel like I look hideous in the pictures. Because of this I have yet to order any of the pictures. I can't imagine anyone wanting a picture of me. I have never even printed wedding pictures. I just don't want to have to look at myself.
Lately my self esteem has gotten worse and has spiraled into a very deep depression. But it isn't the same kind of self esteem issues anymore. I have always been the type of person to be there for friends no matter what. When my friends are down and are struggling I do anything possible to try to lift them up. And lately it seems like all my friends continue to crap on me. The more I put myself out there the more it seems like I get screwed in the end.
I feel like I am not worth anything. I don't understand why I don't have any friends. I mean I have "friends" you know the ones that you have as a friend on facebook, or the people that you say hi to and might carry on a short conversation when you run into each other, but thats it. I don't have that there for you no matter what kind of friend. The friend thats like hey lets do something tomorrow. The friends that are there to help me when I am sitting alone in a room with tears running down my face because I feel like my world is crumbling, The friends that go clearly out of their way to make sure I know they are thinking of me when they know that I am down.
Which totally pisses me off and hurts me even more. I am like that for all my friends. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them, nothing I wouldn't give them, yet when I need that support I stand alone in a room. What have I done so wrong in my life to not deserve that sort of support?????
Sorry for rambling. And maybe no one will read this or respond and that is ok. I just really need to get this off my chest. I don't know how to make the depression go away and I know that bottling it up isn't good. So I figure writing about it is the next best step. I would literally give about anything to truly have 1 friend in my life be there for me like I am for my friends. I am sick of being pushed aside and forgotten.....
i know where you are coming from hun. it seems like you give your all to your friends and it seems like they dont appreciate it or try to be there for you. theres a song called you find out who your friends are and i love that song because it is so true. i am sure you are beautiful just the way you are. i have a sister who is pretty and when we went to school boys would actually say to me why are you so ugly and your sister is so pretty. talk about hurt. i had to learn they were just ugly and that i am beautiful. you dnt have ot be or look like a model to be pretty. society has gotten rediculous about it. i would look in a mirror and tell myself everyday that i am pretty. i used to do that with a body mirror when i was a teenager and i believed it and my self esteem went up. i would write the good qualities you have as well. believe me hun i know how people can be cruel. guys used to like my friend better because she was skinny and she wasnt pretty but i was the right size and pretty but they wanted a stick so i had to work through issues like these so i wouldnt get down about myself.
You are worth so much and you are beautiful. Don't have to meet you to know that! I am glad you are admitting your issue and seeking support. You will definitely get it here. Friends are not hard to come by, but great friends are hard to find sometimes. Best of luck to you!
Hi,
You sound just like me, only i've been dealing with my laundry list for more than 30 years.
First, i'll be you that you are not ugly at all (heck ya got married), i think looking at yourself in pictures or a mirror what you are seeing is the unhappy you INSIDE not out.
When we are unhappy everything looks worse than it is. So you need to address the inside person. Why does she feel like she does? To do that you may need counseling for the help needed. Medication to calm you down. And still ***** here all you want, or the doctor, or therapist.
I've been there with the friends deal also, and you have nailed down real well what a friend is and what a so called friend is. That being said, DON'T go around and bare your sole even to a friend, they have no clue how to deal with how you feel or how to cure it. It short circuits them and they shy away from you, right? Telling the story as i said has to be someone who walks the walk or is trained. A good analogy for people who don't know, give a 5 year old the keys to the car and say drive to the store, they have no clue.
A little about our brain, I've read lots and lots of books about it. Our brain gets out of whack, the subconcious where all the flight or fight comes from, automatic responses and so on fights with our concious awake logical mind that says we can do this for instance. Well they get out of whack as i say so the harmony that is supposed to be there goes away. Therapists try to give you tools to make them work with each other again and be in harmony. So You aren't ugly, you are just out of whack like the rest of us who post here.
So feel free to yell, kick, or scream someone will answer.
until then go to the mirror and say i'm not ugly every morning when you get up. your subconcious will eventually believe it. Then add things. Little trick i learned, they call it self talk.
Thanks guys for your kind words. If you can't bare your soul to your friends then why have friends? I mean it seems like thats the only thing they may be there for. I just wish I could find a real friend. someone to support me in all that i go through. The depression is starting to truly affect my life. I feel like crap every day. There isn't a day that I don't feel sick. Its causing a physical illness in me. I just wish i could get myself out of this
For crying out loud!! I didn't even realize this was you!! Honey, I had no idea you felt that way about your friendships. Now that I know that, I will be making more of an effort hun! We met last year and I guess I assumed you had your circle of friends, well guess what you have a bff now :) :) And by the way you are BEAUTIFUL!!!!
I have never really had a true circle of friends. I thought I did, but then the truth comes out. There is the one friend that you know about and yes she has hurt me in more ways than i can count but there is so much more than her. I have tried very hard to not let it all show. I feel like no one wants to hear my problems so I keep them inside. Until finally I break down. And while I hold it in, all those "friends"tell me all their issues and problems and I am there for them. Now you know that I am not talking about you. I do consider you a very good friend. I just really need that bff.....
I wish I would have known that all along, but I know now. I love you!! I would like to be that friend that you need :) You just have to be willing to understand my busy schedule too! Maybe when it starts to dry up outside we can meet and go for some long walks and talk! What do you think?
But understand, me having a busy schedule doesn't mean I cannot make time for you. You need to know that I make time for my friends. It may not always be the snap of a finger, unless you really needed me, but I make the time. Don't let my schedule make you not confine in me, I am here for you.
I feel your pain, I've been battling Depression since 8th grade (I'm 22 now). My dad would tell me not to tell anyone that I was taking meds, and he was ashamed of my diagnosis. Recently I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and have had to be hospitalized twice in the past year. I don't think you should feel embarassed at all. Depression is very common, and you'd be surprised the amount of people/celebrities who are struggling too. And as far as friends go, you have a husband, isn't he your best friend? I'm sure he's always there for you and knows just what to say. After all, you married him. He must be very special. Stay strong.
My husband and I have our ups and downs but yes he is my best friend and I love him with all my heart. And when I really need him and reach out he is there. However his work schedule is crazy. He leaves our house at 2 on sundays and 3 on mondays - thursdays and doesn't get home till anywhere from 1 in the monring to 5 in the morning. So during the week we don't get to see each other much. I am at home when he is at work and its just me. I am alone with my thoughts. 9 times out of 10 its me sitting here listening to so called friends tell me all their problems but they never have time to listen to my thoughts.
Thats when its the hardest. When I am home alone with nothing to do but think about everything. I have tried to find a hobby in order to distract myself, and I think I have done so successfully. I have started my own business on facebook selling crocheted and sewed items that I have made. But that in itself recently caused more problems than it is worth. But I started over and am trying to make it a true success this time.
But that is the pattern of my life. I do my best to find ways to distract myself from my feelings so I don't have to deal with them. It is controlling my life. I need to deal with the things with the depression, but I don't know how to.