Finally Seeking Help

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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Well, it's nice to finally find a place where I can hopefully get some help online, since I can't afford professional help right now. I've looked online before, but never found anything. But, this time, my persistance prevailed. I started a blog, in hopes of finding others with my problem, which led me to finding this page, YAY!

I'm 35, married, no kids, and have been dealing with bulemia since I was about 15 or so. I can't say that it's been every day for the past 20 years, as I've gone for months, maybe even longer, without succumbing to the b/p cycle. But the past few years have been very rough... inability to get pregnant (even with 4x IVF), nearly ending my marriage, and just a bunch of other non-ED related health issues. And, unfortunately, I've been doing it again.

I'm not sure what the levels of severity are. I can go a week or two without purging or can do it 3-4 times a day for a few days. I find myself over-eating a lot, but trying to control the purging part. But then I look at all the weight I gain, get absolutely sick of my reflection, and there I go again.

I've also been SOOO run down lately. Completely and utterly exhausted. No amount of sleep seems to help. I could sleep standing up it would seem, and I'm a difficult sleeper. I don't even have the energy to wake up and work out, where I used to for years. I haven't worked out in months. I just can't seem to get myself out of bed in the morning. Which, of course, becomes a vicious cycle of eating for comfort, gaining weight and increasing my poor body image, and then purging again.

Another nasty thing about my problem is that when I start to really do good - eat healthy, work out, lose weight and build muscle, and acheive the body I want.. WHAM, I start binging again and completely put myself back at square one EVERY TIME. I don't get it. I try and try, over and over, to get that "perfect" body, to reach it for a micro-second and sabotoge myself back to square one!

HOW DO YOU STOP THIS CYCLE????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired of it. Tired of hiding it from my husband - who I did finally tell a few months ago, but still hide the act and frequency from him. I'm tired of hiding the food for my binge sessions. I also find myself binging on wine a lot. I can almost finish a bottle in one night. I'm tired of self-defeating. I'm just tired all together. I chose the name Bulemic4Life because that's how I feel... as if I will be like this forever. But I don't want to be. How can I stop???

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Hello there! Welcome to Support Groups! Thank you so much for being here with us and for sharing. I know that you can beat this and do not have to be bulimic for life. The key is to assess and analyze the triggers that cause you to b/p after not doing so for so long. As well, it's about continually working to power through the urges, because the more you practice this, then the easier and easier it will get.

Above all else, you have to get to the root of what's causing this, it's psychological as well as emotional. Have you considered looking into local support groups as an option since therapy or treatment is not an option.

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Thanks for the warm welcome! I have a unique problem in that I'm an American living abroad. I don't want to find a group in the local language, because even though I've learned it, I don't feel like I can truly express myself speaking it. I've looked in the English newspaper and only found over-eaters anonymous meetings, but they are very far from where I live and work and I wouldn't make it there in time. I also contacted a major clinic specializing in ED in the states and asked if they do counseling over the phone, but they told me no, that they only do in-patient treatments. I've searched a number of times online for help, but never found anything until now, which only happened because I decided to write a blog (1st attempt ever btw) and see if I could find other people to talk to, and in searching for other blogs I luckily stumbled upon this site! So that's one step in the right direction! :)

Do you know of any shrinks that will work online? While I found a psychologist here willing, she is a marriage counselor (one I previously went to with my husband) and not all that qualified for ED, although she was willing. But I wasn't 100% happy with her, and am not sure she's the best way to go. Besides the fact that I can't really afford her at the moment. But, with the Euro - Dollar conversion rate, which I win from, I might be able to swing something.

So I take it you're the moderator? How long have you been on the site? And how long have you been battling? ...if you don't mind my asking. You might get tired of repeating your story all the time :)

Thanks again for the encouragement!
-Elena

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Hi Puppy. I just wanted to share with someone that I decided to change my name from Bulemic4Life to one of my old chatroom names, ForestChild. I feel like this is a good step. A step in the right direction. I've been actively reading posts (and trying to contribute) over the past few days, and I think it was definitely a self-defeating name... and potentially depressing for others. I don't want to have this ED for life. I want to overcome it. I need to overcome it. And I think I will. Eventually.

I just needed to share that with someone. :)

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Hi ForestChild, I am so very proud of you for changing your name, I think that's a huge step in the right direction. I know that you will get through this because you are taking all of the right steps in order to get there. This is something that I found for you and I hope it helps a bit; http://www.liveperson.com/lp/onlinecounseling/online-counselors/?sale=10.... As well, there's are resources "Bulimia Information" if you scroll down that can be helpful. Please let me know how things are progressing for you and if there's anything more that I can do to help.

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Thank you so much! You are really so sweet and so helpful. I can feel how much you truly care and it touches me even through the computer. Thank you! It is greatly appreciated. I will definitely look into it and let you know how it goes.

All the best!

Big hug coming your way!!

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ForestChild, thank you so much! Please know that I am here to help you in any way that I can. Let me know if you need anything else and let me know how things are progressing for you.