First off, I never thought I'd google "infidelity support groups" but I also never thought my life would be what it's been the last 6 months. I guess a little advice from others going through the same thing might help. So here's my story...
I'm a married 40 year old and have been with my wife for 17 1/2 years and married 10. From the beginning of our marriage we were never quite connected emotionally and intimately. We both agree it she was the one that pulled away first. At the middle of last year I noticed it was getting worse and, as I had several times in our marriage, I asked for us to seek therapy. What I didn't know is that from August until the end of September she was in an emotional affair with a co-worker that turned into a physical affair from October until the end of December. What sucks worse is the way I found out. I had a feeling something was going on with her so I scanned her phone for deleted texts and discovered all the conversations they had including all the sexting and how much they enjoyed everything they did with each other. I think what hurt just as badly is that she was seriously infatuated with him and said things to him that I never heard. The only "Silver Lining" is that no intercourse took place and there was never an "I love yous" shared. When I confronted her (and since that day) she has been nothing but remorseful and overwhelmed with guilt. She states she was empty and broken and I believe her. I also have to put blame on myself for the condition of our marriage as I can recall many times I just said "F-It....guess we'll just have a crappy marriage and raise two children together" so I am in no way infallible. So here I am today, 5 1/2 months later with someone who only wants to move forward and build a good foundation for a marriage we never had and I waiver between trying for the sake of my love for her (and not splitting up our children) and somewhat knowing that I'll be haunted by her actions and lies for the rest of my life should I stay with her.
I think it says a lot about you that you are willing to admit that you could have done things better as well. None of us is perfect, and no marriage is perfect. But no matter the issues, I believe infidelity is a conscious decision someone makes. No matter what issues you two had, it didn't give her an excuse to be unfaithful. I've always been a firm believer that if you are that unhappy in a relationship that you feel the need to be with someone else, then you should either try to work it out or leave that relationship.
It's a difficult decision you have to make. I've recently had to make it myself. It ultimately comes down to this: can you find it within yourself to forgive completely and move past this, and can you bring yourself to, in time, trust your wife again? It may take months to find the answer within yourself. And know that if the answer is "no" it doesn't make you a bad person. I found it in myself to forgive my husband twice for the sake of my love for him and my desire to make it work. The third time I new I didn't have it in me. And that's okay. I hope that helps.
thank you to all of you. im not the type of person to do something like this. god bless anonymity . im supposed to be the rock. im glad I looked this group up. last night I just drove around numb. going from bar to bar. I didn't go in to any of them. cause I just knew nothing good was going to come of it.i could sleep for a month. thank you again for your support , advise, and stories
Having a long term relationship hit the rocks is devastating.
Staying together "for the sake of the kids" is selfish and just puts a guilt trip on the kids.
I recently just celebrated being divorced longer then I was married.
20 years!
I survived and I feel a whole lot better.
@alan321 your spot on, it reminds me of the saying. “It is far better for a child to be from a broken home, than to live in one.”
@Dadto2 I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. My story is similar, my wife of 19 years had an affair while on vacation in Mexico with her girlfriends with a guy she had just met. She carried on texting with him for the next 15 days until I caught the texts and phone conversations by snooping. We also were in a dark place in our marriage, but as @Ariel7890 points out this isn't about what you did wrong. Cheating is about them and their mistakes and trying to fix something in themselves. It's like a drug, it feels good but it doesn't actually fix anything, only makes it worse. If she is truly remorseful and you believe her, if she is doing everything in her power to show you she is present and cares for and loves you then you must make the choice if you are able to move past this and stay with her. Most suggest not to make a significant life choice like this for at least 6 months, but it sounds like you've had some time to process it. Another way to look at it is that your marriage is over, or at least what you thought your marriage was. If you can begin a renewed relationship with her, then it can be stronger than your old one, it can be better. Your eyes are open and you can both regard each other in the light. No idealization, or putting somebody on a pedestal. If you can still love her when you can see the scars, then that could be a deeper love than you have ever experienced. There is no wrong or right answer, ultimately you must decide what is right for you.
@Big08 thanks for the advice, I sincerely appreciate it. It has been some time since DDay (as it’s referred to). What helps is that she is a mess over it as well and the sheer devastation she caused. Man, wish this was easier. Not that there is a “good way” to find out about an affair but it sucked having to read that crap back and forth to each other…that is truly traumatic! Best of luck to you.