Well, yesterday was my first Thanksgiving festivity. Every year all of my friends get together for what we call a "Apartmentsgiving". Everyone brings something to eat, there is a turkey, and everyone enjoys the food and then we play Apples to Apples or watch a movie. It is so that we can do Thanksgiving with our friends every year before everyone goes home for the actual holiday.
Well, I was scheduled to go and to cook. BUT, Brandon (my fiancé) and I went to lunch yesterday and I was all set on restricting all day. We got to the restaurant and I really didn't want to eat so I figured I would get a small salad. Then Brandon really jumped down my throat about what I have been eating and how much (he doesn't know I am struggling). So i picked out something else but it had bacon bits on it and I felt more comfortable with the bacon bits off...but no, once again Brandon went off the deep end! I felt so small and out of control. I didn't think holding the bacon was THAT big of a deal...but to him it was a sure sign I had completely relapsed. I figured he would just be happy that I was eating something other than a salad...and that I was actually eating! So, I ate some of my meal and really had the urge to purge but I knew I couldn't get away with it.
We went to Barnes and Noble after lunch and I really tried to look at things that would keep my mind off of the food in my stomach...but I couldn't. I didn't purge but I felt miserable.
I took Brandon home and headed to work. Well, on my way to work I started sobbing because I ate lunch. I decided right then I wasn't going to "Apartmentsgiving". I texted my best friend who was hosting it and said I couldn't make it. Her and her roommate both texted me wanting to know why I wasn't coming. I told them the truth. I said I was really struggling and that when I started sobbing because I ate lunch I knew I wasn't going to be able to handle it.
While at work Brandon texted me and said that he really wanted me to come and I told him I didn't want to. He then said "they already ate" and that kind of encouraged my ED. So i went and got offered food and said no. I stayed for about an hour and went home. At home however, Brandon proceeded to yell at me because I hadn't eaten dinner. I was so confused and I am sure he is too.
Today before he left for work he told me I could just sleep all day and then he said "but you have to eat meals too". I think he is catching on that I am struggling. I think he only thinks I am restricting though--he doesn't know about the frequency of my purging. Ugh....
~Ashley