For anybody struggling today, keep going. Remember a change

For anybody struggling today, keep going. Remember a change is gonna come.
If anybody needs a friend to talk to im here and will help if im able. Hope yall have a good day.

6 Hearts

good song, and good thought. I could always use someone to talk to :-)

2 Hearts

This is an amazing song thanks

2 Hearts

Honestly I keep browsing the board and I realize I wouldn't even know where to start. I will just say that when you hear atheists like Ricky gervais talk about how God and heaven are just "convenient little stories" we tell ourselves to grapple with death all I can think of is that there isn't anything convenient about faith. Last week I had to bury my service cat. It may sound stupid but with every ****** thing that has happened in life, especially in the past few years, she made it bearable. during day after day of physical pain from a case of fibromyalgia the specialist I went all the way to Boston to see said was one of the worst he had seen, just feeling her there gave me comfort. So yeah now with her gone, I honestly could say we're it not for what gervais calls convenient faith, I would have happily left this earth right beside her. And each time I manage to survive one more gut punch from life and I feel like I'm almost back on my feet something new happens to show me that for me it's not going to get better. Not sure how to keep going

1 Heart

@Freakingoutinmi so sorry for your loss. A serious animal is very important. It doesn’t sound silly to us. Can you get another one?

Not in a position to emotionally or financially, it's just been everything. Let's see grew up in a home with a covert narcissist for a mother, an alcoholic grandfather, a sick grandmother (she had fm too) and a father who I have since learned was fighting with his brother and when their mom came to break it up, she promptly had a stroke and died in front of him - a history that made him blind and in the area I most needed him to be strong totally powerless and at least somewhat manipulatible. But at least I had him right? Daddy's girl so somehow I managed to dodge hazards like the cake I was shoved into by the back of the neck and the corner of the dresser I barely missed hitting and I somehow handled the emotional degradation thinking that my father was right - what's 18 years - and I left for college 600 miles away. My first real visit home I was raped by a close friend who told me it was my fault because I was always spending the night with his sister at their home which is how I avoided the cake and the dresser (sort of fire/frying pan). He demanded I accept his apology which I did in order to get my close back telling him it didn't matter because "I guess mom was right, I am worthless". And it didn't matter. In 1985 there were no shield laws or support groups. I knew my beloved dad would kill the guy and go to jail or he would drink himself to death. Mom would use it as a way to force me to abandon my excellent east coast university and into local community college where she could "protect me" never mind it happened at home. So I went back to college determined to become someone and pretty much wrecked most of my best friendships and relationships by letting them wither on the vine so I could focus on my career only to have a car wreck on my Christmas trip home (gotta love the holidays) I was in my mothers car when the other driver plowed into me and idiot me in that 10 seconds prayed to live. I refused the ambulance because I was too concussed to know what I was doing and when the cop brought me home my mom took one look at me battered and bruised and said omg what did you do to my car. She needed the settlement check because a couple million in the bank still means you need that check, so when she told me to sign I did. By that time my grandmother had passed after suffering from Alzheimer's for two years, my grandfather had died in the next room from bone cancer and my father had suffered a stroke of his own and now was essentially a prisoner himself let alone protect me. (I actually never really had an unsupervised convo with him of more than 5 minutes again) so when the full impact of the car crash hit a year later sending me into decades of chronic pain, I had no standing to sue. I won't bore you with the fact that most of my friends had no use for me sick or the ups and downs of trying to keep my head above water or that the boyfriend who after four years when my health really crapped out finally said yeah um I know we are planning a wedding but who the hell wants a sick wife. I will just say that after a decade and finally having a little sembelence of achievement and "somethingness" I got so sick that I lost everything -evicted, had to leave my car abandoned on the road etc etc -and pre lyrica was bedridden 24-7. I even had to file for disability which drove me to the brink of suicide. I finally overcame that believe it or not and faught my way out of that bed step by painful step and then my father died. It was emotionally gut wrenching but honestly I had lost so much of him already over the years that I was prepared and at 86 after all that time in a wheelchair I thought it would be a release. Selfishly too I thought well the life insurance will get me up on my feet. Oh but no, mom wasn't content with the millions she had outright, she used power of attorney to reassign the life insurance and transfer all assets in to her name. I checked and check with attorney after attorney and the answer was always without the money to mount a lawsuit, I was stuck. Thankfully my best friend finally convinced me to move in with her. I thought it was too much of a burden but it worked and it seemed like maybe just maybe there might be a shot at joy. To top it off I met mr. Right. He was wonderful. Sweet kind. Caring happy to put up with my fibro. His only flaw was his drug addicted daughter so every flaw I saw in him he was able to explain away using his daughter. We even got engaged. It was my time to be picked. To get the biggest slice of cake with the fancy flower on top. To have a family I belonged too. He let me believe we would help raise his grandkids so I was getting the kids I had decided not to have fir fear of genetically passing along the fibro. And things were good til I guess the lies stacked up enough that they couldn't be covered, not after an engagement. So one night after he told me to take my sleep meds and head to bed because he would be up with his granddaughter all night he waited for me me to get sleepy. I had told him no and that I would be out soon and he pouted a bit but I would never have dreamed he would decide after I was totally medicated to turn my no into a yes. After the sexual assault he managed to steal some money I had set aside for an expensive experimental medical treatment. i found out he was cheating at the end definitely but perhaps longer and then I started to have pain - yea he gave me an incurable sti. Guess no one will want me now with that. Then the cat passed. I know this is long and pathetic. I'm not sure if saying it all feels better or worse. I just feel like most people would barely survive one thing let alone hit after hit. at this point if I died it would crush my best friend and probably about 3-4 others . Everyone else would say oh poor lauren or I had no idea but really that would be it. I can only say I wish I could. I WISH I COULD. I'm depressed but the depression always exacerbates the fibro so the pain is mental physical and emotional and I can't think of anything that would feel differently.

1 Heart

@Freakingoutinmi OMG YOUVE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH!!! my heart sincerely goes out to you! Thank God you keep pushing through! Don’t you see that you’re a fighter?? Every hit you get you take and heal it then move on! Let the depression pass and then do something positive! You can’t give up now! All that have done you wrong will get their karma, don’t you worry about that! I just want to hug you and tell you that everything will be ok! Xoxo

it wont be okay. it will just have to be survivable. every night I have these nightmares that are just too much. It feels like death walking over my grave. I now have to go to court with him - civil because he must have some connections as the cops wont act. I am a Christian so I cant just be done, but I wish I could be. I cant wait for this holiday season to be done.