i'd like to share my weekend plans with my sisterhood and ask that you just keep me in your thoughts, if you could.

me and my family, my sis and her family, my other sis and her family, my dad and his wife, and his wife's son and his family, and her daughter and a significant other... have agreed to go camping in cottages TOGETHER in cumberland falls. it was our christmas gift from my dad and his wife.

one of my sister's has bailed...and requested that i take her 3 year old with us for the weekend. i truly have no problem taking one more child. the more the merrier in my opinion, really.

no don't misunderstand my attitude, although this is forced-family-fun, i am actually looking forward to the adventure of it all. i'm sad for my dad b/c my sis, her hub, and their one year old will not be going...

my concern is getting through the weekend without looking like i have issues, getting through comments about being too thin, dealing with eating or not eating and sitting WITH that decision, getting around a lot of my rituals...

you see, while i AM super picky about what i will put into my body [****, aren't we all], i have this weird ability of appearing normal when i'm on-the-spot-too-thin. i'll eat some chips... i'll eat some cookie... i'll partake in the richest most calorie-laden items to PROVE to everyone that i'm fine. a person with an eating disorder would NEVER eat chips or cookies; amy must be fine.

but penance is sought, deals are made, restrictions are planned--- and all of this happens somehow without my awareness. fucked up when all this activity is happening inside me to which i feel oblivious.

soooo, this weekend i WILL eat some chips. i WILL eat some chocolate cookies i made. i will make sure that enough people are witnessing those moments.

huh. i know i've got lots of tricks to shift and manipulate situations in order to be more tolerable for me... this epiphany is something i really didn't know about myself until recently.

thanks for reading, my sweet sisterhood. i'm off to cringe and fake it...and have some forced-family-fun with my whole famn damily...

Amy: I've got more tricks and workarounds for family gatherings than you can ever imagine... I will be thinking about you and praying that it all goes well and that you can enjoy yourself also! I feel the same way you do: love the family get togethers but always anxious about eating/not eating/ what I am eating etc.

I would love to hear how others deal with this.
Good luck to you Amy!

lol Amy.

I swear that is the only time i appear mildly normal. When i am with other people, trying to appear normal.

Funny that i can just be with food and eat relatively normal when others are around but as soon as i am left up to my own devices. Well, you know how the story ends.

I will certainly be thinking of you. Wishing the best for you and hoping that your weekend is dominated by the pleasure of just being - with family/loved ones.

It is beautiful to be in the moment with no other thoughts and just the pure beauty of raw laughter.

Treasure these moments because they can never be recaptured in the same manner.

Lots of love.


You KNOW I am thinking of you and wishing you the best. Truly, I hope that you don't have to continue to do this 'dance' much longer. These 'tricks' that we ALL have done and developed, do not serve us for the best...but to get through. I hope you can find some true joy in your weekend....HUGS..Jan ♥


Ed is a manipulative creature, isn't he?? I used to make lunch my big meal just so my coworkers could see me eat! LOL! We all have our, "Look! I'm NORMAL!" charades... Breathe, my friend... You'll get through this... And one day, you won't HAVE to fake it! ♥

Love you! Wishing you ALL the best!!


Your honesty might just lesson eds ability to take over, maybe you never would have mapped out your thoughts before, admitting eds tricks is a big thing. The thoughts an behaviors are not all that you are, not by a long shot.
Have fun with the family and enjoy the water,trees, and little kids.

thank you, sweeties, for thinking of me and for your responses....

although i loved being off the grid this weekend... and i do mean I LOVED IT, i must admit that it is good to be home :)

while i'm confessing, i must remark that there was no forced family fun involved. IT REALLY WAS FUN! our cottages were incredible- and everyone in my family/extended family were wonderful company! the play park was right outside our door! each cottage fixed a meal.

it rained like hell most of the time we were there... saw cumberland falls a couple of times and no moonbow due to the rain. no campfire. no swimming, no horseback riding....and it was still FUN AS ****!

we talked and laughed and ate and sat out in the musty, balmy after-rain and watched the kids get repeatedly muddy at the play park.

i believe i could feel my sisterhood with me as i ate my way through the weekend. sat. was the first time in a long time that i've had breakfast, lunch, AND dinner. little meals, a few chips, and two of the best vegan, whole grain chocolate chip [chocolip- as my 3 year old niece says] cookies IN THE WORLD-- only problem was some pretty rough acid reflux at night.

and now i'm home; i survived; perhaps i can outrun any secretly-planned penance.
all my love and gratitude-

So glad for you Amy. Well done.

Please store this in your memory bank of what you can do when you simply allow yourself to enjoy the moment and the company of others.


I'm so glad the weekend was a pleasant surprise!
Things are not always as they seem......or as we fear they will be ♥