Frozen emotional wreck

Ok so this is not exactly ED related but I guess it is in terms of isolation... so I feel like my emotions are forced to be still, frozen. I feel hypervigilent and although I desperately want to connect with people I feel guilty and fearful of doing so. I have isolated myself. I am currently living with a roommate who is an acquaintance from school until I graduate and she is being so nice and I am constantly second guessing myself and isolating and making myself and her feel weird. Why can’t I be ok with me? Sorry for the rant and randomness but you girls truly get who I am and I feel like the whole world around me does not at the moment.

This is all with waves of change, living situation and all. I will be moving to a new city after graduation. Will stop seeing my therapist of two years. I think I am freaking out a bit in my head right now. I am having trouble with feeling right and having any kind of sense of normality. Something feels off inside

It's never about the food, I know your suffering, but I celebrate your rough waters. Change and emptiness are scary and feel like they are here forever which they are, but sometimes more intense.
So your all torn up inside, this is good. This is being in touch with what's behind all our behaviors, this is what makes me run to food.
Feeling isolated is a familiar feeling for me, I am often very lonely in crowds as the songs go. You are uprooting and those vines are tender flailing in the air.
I can't make stability appear, or ease and uncertain future, but I can promise to read your "rants" with an open heart when ever you feel like putting it out there.

Sat Nam
Patsy

Thank you for your response dear friend. Being "read" is so tremendously helpful. Yes these changes and feelings feel like forever and yes it is making me want to run to food. Luckily it has not been too bad. Some binging here and there but no purging for awhile, so if I can stand my ground there I will be somewhat satisfied as far as the food behaviors. Yes I am feeling these torn up emotions and just not sure how to best release them. I feel silly and childlike for feeling this way and feel like I should just "get over it”. I feel like I have no strength and am unsure of how to release my emotions in a positive way for myself so that I can just simply be. That is why I turned here. For kindness, support, positivity and understanding. All of which you have given me. Sat Nam :)

Hey Surrender. Sounds as though there is a lot of change going on for you which can be incredibly overwhelming but try if you can, to focus on the things you can control. Not sure if that makes sense but what i want to say is that tomorrow will take care of itself and all we can do is make the change we can in the moment.

The bigger picture is sometimes overwhelming and it is easier for the mind and soul to focus on 1 thing at a time.

Thinking about your current roomate for instance. Do you know why there is such akwardness? What is the second guessing related to? Are there insecurities which are coming to the fore because of her??

Sorry. I am not trying to play therapist. Just wanted to see if you can get to the root of the issues there.

Hope you have a peaceful weekend.

xx

Thank you for the response Sreb. You bring some light on this situation- yes what can I control? And what is the second guessing, the insecurities? Ok I can control how I express myself. I can share the changes and anxiety-without going full blown into it all/ the second guessing is so very old within me. I have always worried that other people didn’t like me or were thinking bad things about me and I think this coming up now in a time of change and a feeling of losing control-wow thank you for helping me figure this out. The insecurities are totally one-sided-they really are. I mean the girl has been nothing but nice to me but I have been avoided her in fear that I will overstep and make her not like me-is that weird? It’s like I don’t want to deal with the pain of being rejected so I want to avoid and retreat to a lonely “safe” place…ugh. Lots to process here. Thank you so much for bringing these questions to me. Namaste dear friend.

Surrender...this is completely related to the ED. An ED is a method that we develop to deal with painful or intense emotions, and it seems as though your fears of change and relationships are similar. The emotional component is very similar. You are facing some major changes and milestones, which I'm sure are bringing up fear and anxiety..it would be for me!
I agree that if you can focus on what you can control, in a healthy way, that may ease the anxiety you are feeling. Are you able to open up communication with your friend by talking to her about the many changes you are facing, and sharing that you are feeling quite stressed about it all? Lowering that 'water line', so to speak, may help her feel more free to share personal things with you as well.
When is graduation? How soon are these things happening? Please keep writing...YES! You are heard and understood here....Jan ♥

Jan, thank you for your undying support. I think if I can focus on what is in my control and stay healthy that it WILL ease the anxiety. Anxiety is so hard sometimes, I get stuck in fear and have a hard time really going back to the reality of the situation and knowing that yes I DO have control of certain things. I think that it is a good idea that if I continue to feel this way to bring up to her that I am going through some anxiety with changes and that I hope that I can make things comfortable for both her an myself while I am there. So graduation is in December but I am moving to Chicago in October to do my final preceptorship so I will be moving there and then coming back for finals in December. So a month and a half is what I have out here. I am glad to move but change is hard and this little move I have undergone right now has already sent me into a tail spin. I think I also worry about leaving all I know out here and the people that I have just now started to open up a little to. Not full blown friendships, but positive relationships. I also fear leaving my therapist and transitioning into seeing someone out there. There may be a lapse in when I graduate and actually get a job so I am unsure about insurance or finding a sliding scale therapist (few and far between). I really want and need support through this change and fear I cannot embark it alone…Thank you for your perspective on these things. Namaste :slight_smile:

Hey Surrender.

I think one thing that helps me when i start worrying about what others think is the thought that oftentimes they are too busy worrying about themselves and what is going on in their lives to be as concerned with us as we may think.

Also, the things that seem big to us are often not so with others. Meaning that if i am worrying about the spot/zit on my face, so much so that i don't want to leave the house, the likelihood is that it is not that noticeable to others and even if it is, they are probably too busy worrying about the spot on their own face to be concerned with mine.

Does that make sense?? It is all about perspective and framing our thoughts. It is not always easy to do but sometimes we just have to smile or do sthg else to remind ourselves that it will be okay.

I really hope that you can find a therapist or at least a support group in the new area that you are moving to. Please keep writing here.

Thinking of you.

xx

So true Sreb! I mean I mean am I that self absorbed that I think others are constantly thinking about me? They are probably wrapped up in their own world. I just hope they don’t pick up on my insecurities…but yes all about perspective and pushing past those uncomfortable moments with something positive towards oneself-like you suggested a smile :slight_smile:

Surrender...change is hard, no doubt. You are reaching an important part of your education, and embarking on your career! A great thing, but also very frightening..that's understandable.
If you need some resources in the Chicago area, let me know. I know of at least one support group(I believe it is ANAD) at a treatment center, and you may also find a good therapist there. Let me know.
Thinking of you....Jan ♥

Jan, I may be contacting you at some point for some help with the group thing-I have been seriously thinking about joining an actual group, especially if I can’t get a therapist right away due to insurance or whatever. Thank you!

Surrender

Change is scary BUT change can be good. Maybe something in the universe is guiding you on a new direction and maybe this is just the change you need to move past where you are at in your recovery. Like jan says she knows of a support group allready and my be able to help yo find a new therapist.
I like what sreb said try to focus on the things you can control.This could be a fresh start for you in all areas of your life like relationships..your education and the ED.
When I moved here 2 yrs ago I never would have imagined that it would have been the best decision I ever made.BUT is WAS!

Try to think of it as a fresh start a new beginning and one thing that won't change is that you ALWAYS have US here.

Blessings to you!
LOVE

Thank you for your words sweet Grace. What a great reminder that I will ALWAYS be able to come here for support. I hadn’t though it about it like you said-perhaps a fresh start could propel me past where I am at in recovery? I have been thinking about joining an actual support group and maybe this is the time to do it. Thank you friend!