Frustrated much

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

i'll tell ya'...
i'm beginning to feel quite frustrated due to the mixed messages i feel i am receiving.

but first, i'd like to clarify: i never check my brain at the door, folks; i tally up the info offered and make my own damned decisions. but lately, i have felt the need to to to .... turn a few issues over to others for some guidance.

as i've mentioned many times b/f, my general practioner is also my friend and step-sis [yeah, that's good ole KY for you...], and she communicates frequently with my therapist. a while ago my gp/friend/step-sis tattled to my therapist that she is worried b/c i started running. [just a little background for you]

i feel it's safe to say that by just looking at me you can tell that i am uhhhhh... struggling. trying to field the comments is excruciating. [i digress] anyway, my gp/friend/step-sis has asked me numerous times recently to be her running partner and to commit to running a leg in a marathon relay. [girl who got tattled on say WHAT? ummm, bad hannah montana reference] hmmmm, didn't you just tattle to my therapist that you were worried that i am running?

on to mixed message #2:
my therapist does NOT mince words. she will point to me and say *so where do you think you're going with all this*. she gentley blurts out the a-word to me/ at me/ about me... she'll talk directly about my weight loss INSURING that there is no elephant in the room...
i went to see her today. i already go WEEKLY [i know, shoot me]. but i called last night and got an additional appointment today- AND began the session by saying i needed to come thurs and fri also. [double shoot me]
i told her that i'm having a difficult time getting a bite of anything into my mouth---YEP, YOU HEARD IT RIGHT! i can't even get the bite into my mouth. and if i do? well who knows what surprises await me... i might c/s; if i swallow it i might *take care of it* later; oooo here's my favorite: i just might involuntarily throw up. that sounds like great ways to wind up your dinner plans, eh?
so i enter the confessional [her office] and i actually do a bit of confessing. my closing question was what can she do to help me get a bite into my mouth [b/c i didn't think i had to spell out anything further- i'm shaking, dizzy, look like death *yep, i'm one hot mama i tell you*, my clothes are baggy, and i'm NOT smiling] if you're not sitting down, i suggest you might want to b/f reading this next sentence. my therapist said that i prob won't be able to get a bite into my mouth for a while and that my *feelings* were clinically on-target for this type of process.
hmmmmmm. i was worried about my ability to drive, let alone stand up straight..... i can feel my brain wobbling around inside my skull... i have a family...that expects to witness a certain amount of food enter my mouth. so not only am i physically and mentally L-O-S-I-N-G I-T, i am frustrated and worried and humiliated in front of my family. but hey, i won't worry about getting a bite into my mouth anytime soon. really?
well hell, at least i'm doing a damned fine job at being clinically *on-target*..... [gag]
pant pant
is it me? or am i getting mixed messages here? funny, when things don't seem so *bad* to me, THAT'S when everyone has an opinion.... but when things DO seem bad to me, i get the feeling i'm over-reacting. [more gagging]

thanks for witnessing my comic wailing at this sacred wall... i've needed to make a joke. struggling with a basic need that most humans instinctively put into motion is exhausting and humiliating. i am never in the presence of an appropriate audience to joke about such things. thank you, my sweet sisterhood.

namaste and love
xo

2

Good Lord Amy: soomething is clearly wrong with both the therapist reaction and your GP/Stepsis.
Just my opinion, but I do not understand the therapists response at all. You tell her you cannot eat at all and she says, you are "on target"?" I realize I am the first one to respond here. I cannot wait to hear what Jan and Jen (who are way smarter than me) have to say.
In the meantime, keeping you in my prayers and wondering what is wrong with this world we live in....

3

hey molly-

thanks for responding... and hon, no one is any smarter than anyone else.......so just stop that kind of writing :)

on-target, i believe refers to me *talking* and having everything *stirred* up.... stirred up enough to irritate me to the point of complete and total rejection of any sustenance. and while, yes, that DOES make sense.... it does not help the fact that i will be clothes shopping in my daughter's section soon.

as for my gp/friend/step-sis, i think she's acting more like a human being around me than my gp... you know? we have a very close friendship...

my point to all this is that i have chosen these two people to guide me.... as receivers of my confessions... as sounding-boards.... as possible life-savers. i have reached out in a time of GREAT NEED. and i'm confused as ever.

i realize that both gp and therapist are human and that there is no set way to deal with such subjective illness..... but i thought i came across today as pretty desperate, wanting answers and relief...and was told i'm *on-target*. sigh.

i've missed you girlie
xo

4

Amy,

Wow... I'm glad you wrote, friend... Anyone would be confused by those mixed messages. We all receive them in regards to our EDs... I've had friends that have expressed extreme concern, and then pushed me to workout. :P Mixed messages, indeed. :0/

I think it's extremely valuable for you to recognize and challenge these messages. I know you're depending on them to help you, but don't forget the fact that YOU are in the driver's seat of your own recovery. You have employed these people to help you at a time when you're unable to help yourself. And while I agree that you're making tremendous progress with your therapy, I don't believe it's acceptable to ignore your physical state. There's a reason why most facilities make sure patients are medically stable before embarking on such emotional and exhausting work... If you need more, and I believe you DO, you're going to have to ask for it. :0/ I hope you can push yourself to do so. Self care. It's what recovery is all about. :)

On my way to group therapy, so I must close for now. I want to end with an admonition for Molly... Smarter??? You're dreaming, girl!!! Don't knock that powerful brain of yours!! :)

Much love ALWAYS,

Jen

5

Duh.....has nothing to do with intelligence here!
Amy, you know how I feel...since we have talked. I do see that the fact that you are reaching out and asking for help and answers IS good, but you are definitely being offered advice that I am cringing at....EEEEEKKK!
My concerns are as yours....you are quite compromised, and while I think your therapist is good on many fronts, I don't know if she sees this (or if you have shared this LOUD enough with her), or if she simply does not know enough about the complexities of the eating component.
I'm glad you are sharing here, and I am picturing you behind your kids' school (inside joke) ♥
HUGS....Jan ♥

6

So my two favorite gurus have responded.... ok maybe smarter was not the right word, but you two have such great advice when all I do is express my outrage at anything that hurts or confuses Amy or any of my friends.... I love you all!
Amy I hope you will listen to Jan and Jen and I pray you get what you need. Good advice for all of us.

7

sky-writer jen...
i always look forward to your responses, honey. and while i agree, that I HIRED THESE FOLKS, i also must confess that i did so b/c i AM NOT the best one for the driver's seat at this time. uuuugh. i am filled with astounding frustration. and tremendous progress in therapy? i believe you must have me confused with someone else. i dance around everything and when we get within arms-length of something that hurts me, my craziness surfaces and we have to back off.... no progress there, hon. just added confirmation that i am *complex*- whatever.
thank you for continuing to remind me that I HAVE TO ASK for what i think i need. sometimes i truly am not sure... and i love to assume that the *professional* will know. that is why wailing at this wall helps me- my sisters rally around me and decode my writings and tell me like it is. thank you, jen.

tinkerbell, jan.......
i'm not sure WHAT my therapist sees in me. i KNOW i haven't given her a very clear or complete picture. i've given her random fragments. in her defense, i'm sure she isn't aware of my lack of intake...and what a true struggle it has become.
i know i bragged that i don't check my brain at the door... but i feel at this time in my existence that perhaps MY BRAIN isn't my best ally at this point. i KNOW this isn't about intelligence... and i'm embarassed to say that i can justify some of my behaviors by twisting the therapy that i am receiving. *on-target*??? great! *i don't have to work on getting that damned bite into my mouth.* you know, **** like that.... i need my brain to kick in and filter what is best for me---but my brain doesn't know... :(
aaaah, yes, behind the kids' school. a few deep breaths [ha], a giggle with a friend, and then off to bellydance. thank you, jan...
my butterfly-winged defender, molly......
i need your outrage. i need your opinion. i neeeeeed to know how you feel about what i write. when i put it out here b/c i'm confused, i'm more than grateful for you to step in with your opinions. thank you for being so great at responding to me, molly honey.

well, i'm heading out to therapy once again this morning... made an appointment for thurs and fri also. although i truly have no expectation esp. since i have not scripted anything that i will say, i must admit to wanting just a little relief. i continue to be serenaded by the idea that i will confess and then answers and relief will be immediately provided. sigh. i am seeing little reward for my talk-talk-talking.
many thanks for my sisterhood...for being here for me and for trying to help me decipher what is going on.... sigh
namaste
xo

8

Amy: Kudos to you for going to the additional therapy sessions and recognizing your own needs. I need to take a lesson from you as I am struggling right now also. I have blamed it on work and being busy but I know better. Thanks for prompting me to step up my treatment....
See, you help people even by just expressing what you are going through.

9

I don't really have much great advice to offer, seems like I never do and I am definately sorry for that..my brain just always doesn't work the best sometimes! I definately agree that you are getting mixed signals and I know that makes things more difficult. I am worried about you and I wish that I could just be there to take care of you! I hope that you can find the help and the strength that you need to not only survive but to LIVE such a happy and prosperous life that you deserve. I love you and I'm praying for you. Hugs and blessings. *Kasee*

10

butterfly-winged defender, molly...

ain't no lesson to be taken from my desperate session-grabbings. but i know what you mean. i, too, am somehow helped simply by reading what others write.

today's session was... overwhelming. she talked most of the time. i feel drained and full of sorrow. but i've few tears and managed to contain my hysteria.

i DID have some tomato soup for lunch today [yay]; and i'll just pretend it's not sick and twisted that i ate it while flipping back and forth watching *america's top model* and *paula dean*.

i'm happy that you are stepping up your treatment, honey.
namaste
xo

11

And I'm proud that you ate lunch today :) Whether you know it or not...you rock. You are a very important person to me and so many others!

12

oh sweet darling fairy-god-daughter kasee......

thank you for your much needed support. perhaps i will be telling too much information...but, i ate soup b/c i thought it might help my shaking. uuuugh. it's tragic and embarrassing. and lately, everything in me does nothing but REJECT sustenance. consequently, a few bites might make it past my throat and actually begin to possibly nourish this alien body---but the process of nourishment can be violently interrupted by internal rejection.
sadly i am experiencing this following what little fucking soup i consumed. i will do what i can to wade through this sickness. distract, brush my teeth, stay busy.
i'm so devastingly angry for feeling sick all the time and for BEING sick. emptiness JUST MAKES SENSE. but the shaking and all the other surprises that accompany such nonexistent intake are insufferable as well.
thank you for responding, sweetheart. i've missed you.
namaste
xo

13

I've missed you as well. I hope and pray you can stay distracted and not get sick. That you can keep SOMETHING down to keep you safe...to keep you here. I don't want anything to happen to you. If you need help staying distracted, I don't go into work until 3! Message me. Call me. Whatever you need to do. Just please try to take care of yourself. I care way too much about you to let something happen to you!

14

sweet kasee...
nothing will happen to me, hon. i'm a damned veteran at all this, you know. this is all just par for my course.

plus how can anything happen to me when i have all of you? i have a therapist and a gp who KNOW. i've let people know and let them close enough to me to finally try to help me.

i took a little nap and am feeling a bit better. please do not worry, sweet girl. i am doing the best that i can--- and i promise, it's more than i've ever done before....

thinking of you, sweetheart...
xo

15

Amy,

I can relate to the frustration of being unsure of what one needs, too sick to ask, and the great desire to let others decide. And sometimes that is TRULY what we need. I wish the professionals always DID know the best course of action. That they could somehow see through our self-constructed mud walls and know exactly what would help us, but of course, they're human, too. And then if we add our own lack of self-understanding, and inability to express what we do not understand, and remember that these professionals are relying on what we CAN say to try to figure us out... Whew-- That's an appalling thought...

I've found that my therapists, both professionals, have had different opinions about what I need. It's hard to know what's right. But through recovery work, you will gradually learn to trust yourself. :) You'll speak with greater ease. But that's a long-distance goal. It's my opinion, and I am decidedly NOT a pro, that your short term goal needs to be to heal your body. Physically. You must be stable medically, and strong enough to do this hard work. If you can't voice what you need to this therapist, perhaps there's a way you could find someone else to make decisions for you?

I don't know... I know it's especially tough when we NEED others to take over... But you truly ARE in the driver's seat... Even the decision to ask others to make decisions for you is YOUR decision. :)

Thinking of you, friend. :)

Off to be therapized. ;0)

Jen

16

honest sky-writer, jen....
after today's session consisting mostly of me listening and answering yes-es and no-s... i came home and composed a short email saying that i needed some help with getting a bite into my mouth. shockingly i sent it, b/f i changed my mind. within that composition, i also reminded my therapist that it's moment to moment... that i may back down from that and decide to LIKE what's transpiring. i asked her to please grab on to this moment and to ignore my anticipated future combativeness...
you are right, sweet sister... the damned professionals have only WHAT WE TELL THEM to go by and to work with. that construct is JUST NOW making more sense to me. my poor therapist.... she's creating masses of grey matter, let me tell you.
she's suggested something for a while now that i seem to be ignoring, but it has composted and sprouted. today, i tried a new approach. [no secret, i'm afraid to trust ANYONE really with some of what is going on with me] in order to symbolically represent the time spent in therapy... in order to honor it as MY sacred wailing wall... in the attempt to LEAVE some of what i discover there and NOT TAKE IT HOME WITH ME..... i lit a candle. my therapist blew it out when we were finished.
my cynicism is a hard shell to crack- but if i'm silling to light a candle while meditating, or honoring a quiet space to read... why can't i see that same honoring kind of spirit in therapy? so today marks the beginning of a less cynical more spiritual approach.
thank you for allowing me to share and for supporting and encouraging me. much love to you, jen.
namaste
xo

17

That is a beautiful, symbolic gesture!! ♥ ♥ ♥ I think it's perfect! :)

Oh, I'm wishing you much peace tonight dear friend... And in the days ahead. :)

Much love,

Jen

18

I totally understand how frustrating this must feel to you. I have often felt exasperated by my therapists lack of concern over some behaviors and mine weren’t even as restrictive as yours sound. I think part of what was going on in for me at some points (in addition to normal triggers such as weighing) was that I felt that I was trusting her with all of my issues and that in my defense I may have been trying to thwart and create distance by engaging in the ED and not focusing on the really painful hard stuff. I am only sharing my experience and not trying to generalize and say it is the same for you in any way. I think though that what your Therapist may have been trying to communicate by saying that your feelings were on target is that it can be expected that the more you open up and start really working on some deep emotional issues the more likely you will want to cope and turn to the restrictive behaviors. It can be expected that one might clinically become worse with the behaviors as they are releasing and working through some intense emotions. In her imperfection she may not have communicated this effectively and seemed to not validate the very realy physical dangers of the behaviors. I am so glad you chose to write to her, what huge step! I would encourage you to write or talk with her more about what you were hearing from her about being clinically on target. It is so important to be able to work through a mis-attunement with a therapist!

As for your physician/step sis, I can understand the huge mixed message you have received from her. Only you can decide if you want her as a part of your treatment.

In no way feel as if you have to answer this but just wondering, are you doing the EMDR work with your therapist as well?

I wish you some peace my friend.

19

sweet surrender...
i'm grateful for what you have shared with me. i do not think you are generalizing... and i can often see myself more clearly through others. it's very valuable for me to know others' frustrations during this journey.
and i know you are right about why my therapist said i am on-target. thank you for elaborating further on that subject. my logic DOES know a lot of this already, but that missing link keeps the information from getting absorbed. the continued explanations and support are needed and appreciated.
we haven't discussed anything further re: emdr. thanks for asking though... i think my therapist is continuing to try to get a clearer picture of me and my life. my fragmented, coded, emotional breakdowns only provide a glimpse here and there. still doing more fact-finding kind of talk than anything else, really.
i'm sorry that you must say good bye to your therapist. believe me when i say that i know how much grief can really hit you. i hope you have a good last session and some closure with her.... and that you can begin a fresh, new journey once you move. it's always something, eh?
thank you again for your personal insights. i am craving others' opinions and experiences lately.....
thinking of you, your therapist, and your move...
namaste
xo

20

Thank you for your response and validation! I am keeping you in my thoughts as well this week as you continue your hard work. I am glad that you are reaching out and that others experiences and insights may be able to shed some light on things.

Part of me is ok with saying goodbye the other part is crying like a little girl inside. I have a feeling there are more layers to why this is affecting me so much…Hopefully I can take this as part of life and find a gentle healer in another realm.

Please try and take good care of yourself friend :slight_smile: