Functional

Well. I finally decided to function today. Took a while but I made it. Still wishing for some caffeine but I don’t feel like making a special trip out just for that – so I’ll endure. I told P about my bulimia. He was really cool about it, I knew he would be; he’s not an alarmist. At one point there was a pause in the conversation and I said “well now you know the big, bad secret.” And he said “it’s not big and it’s not bad”. It made me feel better.

Ed is still about the subconscious. He’s not gone yet. Maybe not so wildly out of control but not gone. I read the book in it’s in entirety yesterday and the part where her mom was so warm and encouraging made me reach for a snack. I was far from hungry but I needed something to do while I read. Turns out the snack was Ed. I’ve white-knuckled it a few times over the last couple of weeks and being so tired from lack of sleep I just didn’t have it in me to care. I almost cared.

It was a really good book, it talked about her transition to totally depending on God. Interesting. It got me thinking. Not so much last night but this morning. It got me thinking of all the dysfunction. What’s happened over the years, the things I found out later. The things I was cut out from knowing. The recklessness of it all. How infuriating it is. How do I decide to totally depend on God. After a lot of re-analyzing everything over the course of a couple of hours I came to my conclusion. Honestly. I don’t trust God. I believe in God but I don’t trust that things will be ok by depending on Him. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust other people. I don’t trust my parents. I don’t trust that whatever the next company/boss I work for won’t be tyrannical. I don’t trust my emotions. I don’t trust my decisions about men. I don’t trust that my tithes and offerings mean anything.

What does it mean to trust God anyhow? Some people say they do it and are totally miserable in life and others are thrilled and couldn’t be happier. How many people are really content? How many are living out what they have always wanted? How many people had to give up dreams? Are they still content? How many decided to live for God and are they content? What did they give up to do so?

Trying to let go of what makes me sad also makes me sad because it feels I’m giving up on it before it could be fixed. Acceptance ends up equaling defeat.

My mind is slowly turning. I feel like I’m doing more than just unhinging a coping mechanism but somehow trying to come to terms with the fact that it’s been one devastation behind the other, and I just don’t know how to deal with the next one. I have to move forward with lots of armor and camouflage, step carefully, stay in the shadows and keep scanning the landscape so that the next thing that gets hurled at me might miss.

I commend you for asking every tough god question I have ever asked myself. It's nice to see someone else feels my struggle. I have trust issues too and I hate to feel vulnerable. But I think on rare occasions it is necessary to be vulnerable so we can be loved and helpes. It sounds like complete crap but I think it helps I'm glad to hear your ED isn't in full force. That is always something to celebrate.