Gah!

I am sick of all of this!

I am disgusting and so fat. The mirror doesn't lie. But I am trying to do this! Trying to follow everyones rules even though I am so fat fat fat.

I am shoving food in my mouth today. Listening to everyone instead of ED. Shoving food in until it hurts. Not enough apparently. And I cant take it anymore!

I ate today. I had lunch and snacks and dinner. Mike says I am not eating! I counted the calories. Its an okay amount!!! More than I probably ate in accumulation of last week!!! GAH! I just cant take this.

I had a bagel for dinner! A whole bagel. I am uncomfortable and feel fatter than ever and mike is yelling at me. "You aren't eating!" Yes I am! A bagel! With cream cheese! A lot for me right now! I am trying and he can't even see that! If he can't see that maybe I should just do what he thinks and not eat. It would be more comfortable. I don't even care.

thanks for letting me rant.

allee

Allee, you're not eating to prove to others that you can - you should be eating becuase thats why your body needs.

Yes my body does need this. I have figured that out on saturday when I felt like I was going to pass out. So my body feels better, even though I know I am still not eating enough yet.

Still I feel pressured by others to eat. I am still not my own motivation.

hi

Thank you!

Your support means so much to me :)
allee

Allee,

It's difficult to struggle with an eating disorder. And hard to recognize that we are unable to be our own motivation for a while. That's okay... If others can be your motivation for now, let them. ♥ As far as the bagel... I hear you when you say it was an improvement. I also hear you when you say your boyfriend's worry is frustrating you when you're trying so hard... I get it. I also know that as hard as it is to suffer with an eating disorder, it is something else entirely to watch someone you love suffer... As a sufferer, I have often felt helpless... As my sister suffered, I always WAS helpless... :0/

Good job venting, friend! ♥ Get it out here! :)

Love to you,

Jen