I feel so fucking guilty because although my boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, I still struggle with suicidal thoughts and self harm. Why do I still do it? Does he not make me happy enough? Why does my brain operate like this? What’s wrong with me? I struggled with self harm years ago and I recently started doing it again and I’m scared for what will happen if my boyfriend finds them. I know he will blame himself. I don’t know what to do. I want to die. I want everything to stop. I want to scratch myself until I have no skin left on my bones. I’m stuck in a situation and I don’t know what to do. My sister recently married a man who has sexually assaulted me. She doesn’t know, nobody knows, it just makes me so sick that I waited so long and now it’s too late to say anything. I wish I was dead. I just want to die. I want to rip all of my hair out. I want to cut myself deeper. I want my heart to stop beating. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I don’t know what to do.
Having a relationship doesn’t fix your life, because sadly, we are the ones that have to do it, they can support us and that makes a big difference. I think you must tell your sister about the man, if she doesnt believe you its too bad for her but you need to talk about trauma, i dont know why its the only way to get over it, i know it sucks, specially for us women, that most times is related to abuse. I feel like you know what you gotta do, we need a therapist/psycholigist and deal with it, your feelings are valid and we are here for you, you should talk to your boyfriend about it too, i bet he is there for you and will gladly help. I’m sorry i cant say much and its probably not what you wanted to read but its all i got
Really sorry to hear you are going through all this! @nicekiwi has some good thoughts with which I totally agree. First, and in my view, most important step is to calm down 
All these questions about “why” you feel various things are not very useful: you do feel these things, but you have a choice as to how you react. Right now it sounds like you are piling on and winding yourself up. Try taking some long, slow, deep breaths and see if you can relax a bit. It is not like you are facing a life-threatening situation: you are just having trouble dealing with your feelings, and the feelings by themselves can’t harm you. See if you can just acknowledge the pain and the panic you are feeling without telling yourself stories about how awful they are and how bad it’s going to get.
Human beings (yeah, I qualify ) are really good at telling themselves scary stories. Mark Twain once said:
" I’ve suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened."
I know how true this is for me, and how much better I felt when I (mostly) managed to stop doing it to myself. Best of luck. Stay in touch.
Hello @reggie77655,
Welcome to SG! We are so sorry you’re feeling this way right now. Please know that your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to reach out for help. It’s not your boyfriend’s fault or a reflection of how much he makes you happy—mental health is complex and sometimes we need extra support. Talking to a mental health professional can make a big difference. You’re not alone in this, and there are people who care about you and want to help. It’s important to stay safe, so if you feel like you’re in immediate danger, please seek help from a crisis hotline or go to the nearest emergency room. You deserve to be here, and you deserve to feel better. With love, SG