Going through awful divorce

Hi, I am new here and going through an ugly divorce. We were married 5 years and together for 10 years. I can't write much now, but I have 2 beautiful boys and we are fighting a custody battle right now, because I don't trust their father. He smokes marijuana on a daily bases, hourly actually, can't hold onto a job for more than a year and a half. He was always telling me I was crazy. He has just been charged with his 3rd dui. He is a pathological liar as well as his mother. I have talked to his mother trying to explain to her I believe he is depressed or something else is wrong and told her I want him to see someone for it, but shes conviced its his drinking. I have seen him push her but to this day she will deny it. In fact he would gloat about scaring her. He gets a thrill out of people being afraid of him. She is just as bad as he is she hit my 7year old boy across the chin with her house phone and when he told me infront of his father I thought his father would do something about it, but he still took them to her. If you met him you would think he is a really nice guy.

I can't prove it but I do believe he has cheated several times. He has drained me emotional and financially and now he is asking my 7 year old to keep secrets from me. He is very manipulative and has a way of getting peoples sympathy. Right now he is basically living off his employer because they feel sorry for him. He is a ranch hand and they don't have a lot of work for him to do during the winter, but they are finding things.

He would yell at me a lot infront of the boys and disrespect me. He has made threats saying if he can't have the boys joint neither one of us will.

I am worried because him and his attorney have 3 text msgs that I wrote a month before I filed for divorce saying I wanted to harm myself. HE was constantly making me think he was goign to harm himself I had to load my boys up a few times and go looking for him or call his family to help me find him. I worry what the court will think of those txt I wrote, all I wanted was for him to feel how he made me feel when he threatend suicide. He constantly told me I was crazy and there is another txt of me asking him if he told someone I was psyco. I am worried for my boys and I told their father if he sobers up and gets some counceling maybe then I would agree to him having more time, but I still feel like he is doing this out of spite.

He comes off as a wonderful dad to everyone,but they don't know what it was like, he was never home, He was off selling mj or smoking it with friends and I was always with the kids. When he was home he was yelling at me infront of them, I can remember my 7 year old asking me why he would yell and make me cry.

He also yelled at me a lot in front of the boys. He had on a number of times made me believe he was going to do harm to himself. It did get physical a few months back when he came home whiskey drunk callin me awful names at 4 am and I finally lost it and started pushing him. He grabbed me and started choking me. I was kicking him and finally got away and then he put his fist through the bedroom door. I am so worried he will get joint custody.

I am divorcing my addict husband. I am very worried about custody problems. I need ot live in my home state, I have no support in the state where I lived with husband. no money, no home, no job, no car, no family, no friends.... everyone assures me that it shouldn't be a problem, but I have seen too many people in horrible situations forced to send their kids where they were not safe. My husband also had a way of making me feel and act crazy... he likes to threaten suicide when he is unhappy or wants something form me that I don't want ot give him... like money. he has ruined us financially, we have lost our house to foreclosure and our car just got reposessed.

luckily I have a totally clean past (I was very careful about not doing or saying anything that could be damaging to my "reputation" I guess you could say) and my husband has a felony that he is dealing with which helps my case.

what might be a good idea is for you to go see a counselor. if you have insurance or if not go to the local health department and tell them you would like to talk to a counselor... you could also sign up for a parenting class. if you do this on your own then it will be on record that if you had a problem you were proactive and tried to take care of it. Also, I would suggest going to Alanon, not only will it make it look like you are trying really hard to be stable and take care of yourself, you actually WILL be more stable and WILL be taking care of yourself... plus it is FREE.

My husband used to call me crazy and tell me I needed therapy and should be medicated... he did it to not only hurt my feelings but to make me feel even MORE crazy... like things that were obviously happening were not... but the things is... I WAS crazy... and he MADE me that way... addiction makes people crazy. and Alanon and therapy are the cure.

Stop talking to him or texting him unless it has to do with the kids... even better have a third party communicate anything he needs to know about the kids so you don't talk to him at ALL. stop talking to his parents about him or about the divorce.. in the end, he is their son and they will most likely side with him... anything you say to his parents can be used against you.

and i know this is the hardest part... but you have to try to stop caring if he cheated on you or what he is doing or saying or thinking... it doesn't matter.. every time you find yourself obsessing stop and ask yourself... "we are getting divorced... he is not my husband anymore... he has hurt me so does ____ matter? will it change anything?"

focus on yourself and your kids... your children have been damaged enough by your husband... you need ot make the home a better place now that he is gone. start undoing teh damage he has done by taking care of yourself and them.... your husband is not your problem anymore.

I know you still legally have ot deal wit him and clean up the current mess... but anything new is not your business, his recovery is not your business, if he does or does not have a mental illness is not your problem... if his parents believe you is not your problem.

Please talk to me any time you feel yourself sliding back into craziness... I will try to help you climb back out again.

I talked to his mom before I filed for divorce to try and get help for him before it came to that. HIS Family even tried an intervention. He wasn't working or trying to find work at the time and spent all his retirement on drugs. I still have to deal with him because he still sees the kids. I don't communicate with his parents anymore and I only talk to him about the kids, we text because if I called about the kids he would go off on the past and I have told him I don't want to talk to him about the past anymore its over. he is constantly trying to get be back. one text he next to calling me evil and the next text he is telling me he is sorry for hurting me. our divorce is not final and we are battling custody, I am afraid it is too late for me to get any kind of counceling before the court date. I started thinking today it would be a good idea for me because of everything he has put me through.

I would highly recommend counciling. When my stbx and I were having problems, he was the one that suggested counciling and I am glad he did. Of course, it turned out that he had all the problems and had to make big changes and he wouldn't. They recommended separation for 3-6 months and he refused. He said he brought me to therapy for them to fix me and it turned out that he was mentally and emotionally abusing me for years - and his parents. It's hard to swallow, but therapy is helping me cope. And Jessica, boy are you right.....it doesn't matter if he cheated, it does not matter at all anymore. What matters is what you do from this day forward to change your life and make it the best it can be. Living the best life you can is the best revenge. My stbx is still waiting for me to fall on my face and come crawling back. I will be homeless before I go back. The sad thing is I have to share the kids with him.

As for custody, I have temp. sole custody, he has visitation rights. The fact that you are communicating with him will show the court that you can work together and they will probably grant joint. My stbx and I aren't speaking 2 months after our separation and due to that, I got sole custody. You have to show that he is impossible to work with and you are the better one to have the kids and make the daily decisions that need to be made. My stbx made a bunch of stupid mistakes - talking about the case to the kids, bad mouthing me to them, putting the support check in a shot gun shell box, stalking, stealing my garage door opener, to name a few. I just took the high road, smiled and killed him with kindness. It's the only way to do it for the kids sake. Give your x to God and He will deal with him. Your x is not your trouble or worry anymore - let God heal him. Your kids need you more. Your x will change only if he wants to and it doesn't sound like he wants to - maybe ours know eachother?!

Trust in God and know that tomorrow will be a better day. Get counciling and be proactive - that will help your case. Show that you have changed - the court will like that. God be with you!

there is an alanon meeting going on right now somewhere. they happen several times a day. My husband will do that in one sentence "Come and pick me up you fat c*nt, I love you, I can't live without you, I'm so sorry for hurting you, I'm goingt o die and it's all your fault you crazy *****!" yeah... and he says I'M crazy??

I'm amazed your lawyer didn't suggest it. when is your court date? you could walk into some places and talk to someone today. If you are seriously worried about the kids being with him, discuss this with tyour lawyer, I have a restraining order in my file... luckily my husband is in jail, and he has also been cooperating (kids get in the way of his drug and alcohol use... also him NOT having them is a great excuse to keep using) but it is waiting for if he pushes it. I have no idea if teh court would actually approve it... I question myself all of the time if the things on it are a valid reason to keep th ekids form him... byt my fear for having them around him is very real... his behavior is very real...a nd when I start to doubt myself I can write out my story and read it back and I am amazed that i ever questioned my choices... ti is a symptom of our OWN disease that we are question ourselves.

ask your lawyer if it is a good idea for you guys to say yourself that you have realized that you have codependency issues related to his substance abuse and the verbal, mental and physical abuse that came from being in a relationship with an addict and that you are going to Alanon and start counseling. He was abusive to you physically but his threatening to kill himself is a form of emotional abuse. it is listed on the national abuse hotline website


our court date is Jan 12th, don't think I have enough time. my attorney knows all the details and knows I want him to sober up and get counseling before I will be ok with him having more time with the kids. My lawyer is the best in town and has been doing this for years and hasn't suggested that I do any of that, he said I am a good mother. His Lawyer is new she graduated 2 years ago. we had a deposition, my attorney questioned him and his attorney questioned me and then he was following me after that. I also told my attorney that and he suggested to keep an eye out and if it gets worse we will go with a restraining order. He has also told me the Judge has thrown out suicidal texts, they didn't mean anything to him in some cases hes seen. He is on vacation otherwise I would be talking to him to get his feelings on my case and where his confidence is on the case. my mom is witness to him calling me and threatening suicide. If counseling would help me though I would for sure do it. I want the best for my kids. I am afraid he will damage them. He has already asked the older one to keep secrets and has been crying on their shoulders. My attorney knows all this.

also some more insight, I have been the breadwinner, I have a Bachelor of science degree and I have been employed full time the entire marriage and he was fired from 2 jobs and quit 1. He is working part time

for years I ddin't want to go to Alanon because first of all HE had the problem, not me... and secondly, it pissed me off that they wouldn't just tell me how to make him stay sober...and then after I filed I almost stopped going because I thought "well... I no longer have an addict in my life so why do I need this?" but I'm finally starting to understand that this is for ME not him and teh damage he has done needs to be repaired or I will end up in another relationship just liek this... plus I realize that there is somehting in my personality anyway that make sme feel responsible for everyone and makes me want to make everyone happy at the expense of my own happiness, and I need to be prepared becaus ethere is a chance my children will have my husbands genes and will be at risk for becoming addicts and I need to be in the right frame of mind while I raise them and also if/when the time comes... if I can handle it in a healthy way I can save a lot of heartache. I am an Alanon junkie now... I can't get enough of it... I really suggest you try going... they say to try 6 meetings before you decide it's not for you.

Thanks so much for your insight Jessica. I think that would be best for me also, I am a lot like you as far as feeling responsible for everyone and wanting everyone happy.

it's amazing to see how exactly unoriginal my messed up thinking it... i find it comforting... it means i'm not so messed up... my disorder is.