two years ago, I was raped by my boyfriend. he had sex with me without my consent and it was my first time. in the middle of things he stopped and looked at me to say "this means we're not virgins anymore." and afterwards he said "promise me we'll be together forever." i had wanted to save myself for marriage. after that, I let myself be submitted to sexual abuse from other boyfriends, periodically standing up for myself and telling them that I didn't want to anymore because it made me feel guilty. but at the same time, I figured that it had already happened so I should just have a lot of sex until I'm calloused about it. that way it won't hurt and I won't feel guilty anymore. I did that for about a year. because of what my boyfriends did to me, I feel scared at the sight or smell of semen. I'm currently engaged to a wonderful guy who has always had unparalleled respect for me. at this point I don't know if you guys here can help me any more than you have. I wonder if maybe the best thing for me is to have positive experiences instead of talking more about the bad ones. basically I'm thinking about quitting. good idea or bad idea?
triple t:
Definitely keep on trying to heal!!! :) That is my vote.
You may benefit from finding a therapistthat you feel comfortable with enough to talk to. This can help you get that third party outside perspective who is not emotionally involved with your history of abuse. This can give you that objective viewpoint and straight talk you need.
Recently, I read a matchmaking/dating book even though I am now happily married. The book enlightened me in reference to my past relationships, so I was able to finally put to rest some of those unresolved relationships. I finally got that outside yet experienced perspective that I needed to help me interpret my past relationships and understand how great of one I'm in now. Perhaps you can find a book that addresses relationsihps and rape, which can help you interpret your past and put to rest those hurtful and nagging memories.
Bottom line, you got to keep moving toward a healed mind and heart for the sake of your new fantastic loving relationship. :)
Take care!
good advice triple t
I guess I could try therapy. it's difficult because I work full time and I'm a full time student. I don't guess much time in my life will be opening up soon though so I might as well not wait. maybe I can try to make room somewhere. I'm also wondering if I would need to go to a specialist. I'm worried the "podunk" clinicians at my school will be judgmental and treat me like a textbook or something. any advice?
triple t:
I KNOW how hard it is to make room for therapy, but you'll be glad you did. The first time I went to find help for myself, I was working 3 jobs! I didn't have much time to spare, if any, so I had to really work at creating time for my therapy. I worked 8AM - 330PM and again 4PM to 11PM on Mondays through Fridays, and then filled in on weekends at my retail and ranchhanding. I had to draw a line and say that at least one day a week, I couldn't come in to work until 5:30PM. So on Thursdays, I would get off from one job, go to my therapy at 4PM, then get out by 5 or 515 in time to drive to my next job. It was a baby step, and no, the world didn't fall apart when I started therapy and/or changed my work schedule for that day. :)
It will feel like a sacrifce at first, having to change and rearrange your week or day to accomodate a therapy session or two, but after you get a groove and start being able to feel and measure your quality of life improving, you'll realize it was an investment.
If I were you, I would try a therapist at your school. If you feel uncomfortable after your first session, then don't go back: try someone else. If you can, try to find a therapist by word of mouth recommendations. If you have access to profiles/information on the therapists available at your school, look and see which ones have been there the longest and what their education is. You may wish to pick a therapist based on their level of education, their gender, years of experience, etc etc.
It wouldn't hurt to do a quick online search for a behavioral health and/or counseling services in your area. Lots of times, churches will have recommendations. Large churches may have an agency that they refer their patrons to. I found my first therapist by calling up a college professor that I'd had the year before when I took a Humanities class. I remembered that he said he used to be a career advisor at another local community college. I asked him for a recommendation for a "friend" of mine (myself!!!), and he immediately had a great reference. I checked it out online, called, made an appointment with a lady with great qualifications, and they gave me a great rate ($20 US Dollars per hour) because of my low salary at the time.
The therapists at your school may actually be great, since they probably see a lot of clients in your age group with similar experiences/history OFTEN. You may feel alone, but many women have been through the same traumatic experiences as you have. The therapists at your school may be more in tune with what you've experienced and may be more ready with helpful resources and ideas! I would try them, and if you don't feel right about it, don't go back -- but find someone else!
I know I said this before, but even if you meet a therapist just a couple times, it will open your mind up to new thoughts and new answers that you didn't have before. You should ask the therapist for book recommendations (ask for a workbook that you can write in that will really get you thinking and healing). There is a workbook that I know the title of but I have not reviewed the content before, it is called Courage to Heal. I don't remember the author, but a quick search on Amazon.com will pull it up.
I hope this helps! Cheers to you! :)
triple t:
this is a PS to my previous post! :)
If you can stand horses, horses have healing powers. Remuda Ranch in Arizona, USA, is an example of this. www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org is also a great example of MANY.
If there is any place similar to these around you, you should check them out!
For some inspirational reading pertaining to the healing power of horses, get Hope Rising by Kim Meeder. She also has a couple other follow-up books out, but Hope Rising was her first.
A horse began my healing process about 7 years ago. It's been a long journey and it's not over yet, but he jumpstarted it.
If this guy really wants to be with you, he will wait to have sex with you. Don't have sex again, until you are ready. Sit your boyfriend down, and explain to him everything that has happened. I am here for you if you ever need to talk. I honestly do think you should wait to have sex when you are married, and when you are ready. If your boyfriend really loves you, he will understand.
these ladies sound like they know how to advice you. Take care of yourself and you will take many baby steps to reach your goal. In Christs Love