Goodbye My Lovelies 3

Friends,

This is not easy to write, but I am saying goodbye.
I am in a more stable place than I was before and unfortunately some of the struggles and feelings on this site are not helping me now.

However I shall fill you in on my most recent events.
I've been trying something new.
Do you remember how I once posted that I was having problems with an eating schedule since my supper was always so early? Well I've been trying eating later.
I've always had a bit of a problem eating late, and I find I do not feel like supper foods (or cooking) later on, but eating a supper instead of skipping a meal solves my late night binge.
Funny how that works eh?
When I tried this with Kung Fu (having a snack before and having supper after) I found I was much more energized for Kung Fu! I'm guessing because my body wasn't trying to digest so much as well as work itself out.

I had a good day with John yesterday. He bought a pellet gun so we shot that at a target for a bit outside, watched a movie and then had a nerf gun fight in my basement after supper. Finally we ended with (trying) to watch Ironman 2 a little intoxicated ...haha I get silly when I drink so we mostly just talked and laughed.

I think I've figured out why this whole thing started to. My eating disorder I mean.
Because of a boy.
I've always sort of known that was the reason, but I was too ashamed to admit it. To put myself through so much for a boy's attention seemed so low and I thought I would get judged. But anyways.
In grade 9 I finally started to get attention from some boys in one of my classes. And of course, the one I had a crush on had a girlfriend. I thought that if I became skinnier than his girlfriend, maybe he'd choose me over her. That wasn't the case.
Then as I struggled with that, my best friend became very close with this boy's girlfriend. I was mad at her for that. Especially once she started ditching me to hang out with her. Ignoring me and my other friends at lunch. It hurt.
But by that point my obsession had already grown past that, and I was too concentrated on eating less and loosing weight.
I never used a scale though. We didn't own one. Though I weighed myself whenever I could.
Once I got really sick (I believe in the hospital), guess who's attention I grabbed? The boy's. My friend that had ditched me spoke and said he was worried about me, and was asking how I was doing.
It took me to get skeletal to get his attention.
But he still stayed with his girlfriend.
Yet when I was released and school started again I still yearned a bit to talk with him again. But slowly it faded and I became so much more confident.
Oh and that boy? He got into drugs. I've lost all my interest for him....apparently he's a bit of a ****.
Then relapses...which I'll look into soon.

But I ask myself this. Why am I holding onto this disease if all of that is in the past? If I now have someone who loves me unconditionally for who I am and if my life is going fairly smooth. Why keep myself in misery?
There's really no point.

I'm not really sure where I'm supposed to go with this new discovery. What I'm supposed to get from it. But knowing what it is and admitting it feels good. Relieving really. And John and I plan to talk about it someday soon.

Till then I just have to work on getting rid of some old habits:
-measuring
-time constraints for meals
-listening to hungry and full cues
-feeling the need to eat less than those around me
-fear foods
-3 meals a day ALWAYS

I think I can do it :)
I'll still check my private messages and I may come back on in the future. But for now I need some time.
Please feel free to contact me because I love you all very much <3
Facebook me if you want! I'll PM info :)

Love you all and I wish you the best
Keep fighting and so will I
Paige xoxo

So proud of you!!!!

You are a brave and strong woman and I am so proud of you and what you've overcome. You can see now what YOU need and for you that is to stop posting here. You admitted and have sought out some of the true reasons as to why this all started and I am so excited that you have dug deep enough to realize it. Be strong, safe, and have an amazing life free of eating disorders. All the best,

hey hey ---now how come this post sounds like mine last week? huh?

awww paige--dont go, i wish youd stay...(now i sound like you all on here helping me last week)

are you sure you want to go??

was it something on here that hurt you in particular??

keep in touch, paige

love
maureen

sometimes we need a break if we recogniose that some things can be too mauch for a us . I think you are makeing a wise choice for you and and will be missed here ..and if you feel you need advice again here and need to journal then yiu wil know if you need that and its safe for you.

stay strong in what you believe and keep yourself safe from ED.

Paige,

I'm thinking of you... :) I know that we really have to be in the right place emotionally to visit this site. I have sometimes found myself triggered by my visits, too. I'm grateful that these feelings always pass. :) I'm glad you're listening to yourself and doing what you need to do. :) I hope you'll come back when you feel like it. We'd all love to hear from you. :)

Wishing you all the best,

Jen

Goodluck Paige :) seems like you are on the right track, be sure to check back in once in a while!

Paige...I respect your decision. I want you to always know that this is a place of support. You have contributed a great deal to all of us. Please take care of yourself and celebrate the great progress you have made! Take care..Jan ♥

Thank you all for your kindness and support. I miss you and will visit every so often to see how everyone is doing :)
And never hesitate to message me!!

I'm still doing well with everything too :)

Paige xoxo