Grief 2024

I knew 2024 would be hell right before it started. In December of 2023, I was at the end of my first semester in college and was so excited to go home for winter break. I was in (what I thought was) a thriving relationship with my bf, and I was performing great in school. December 12 at around 9pm I got the call that my great grandma died. While I’ve been to funerals before this was the first death I experienced that hit so close to home. The next day I went home to start winter break and grieve. I had to help with funeral planning which made things so much harder for me. She was buried 4 days before Christmas. My holiday plans were ruined. I fell into a depression and lasted through the entire winter break. I isolated myself for weeks from my friends, family and then bf. I just couldn’t get myself to do anything but sleep and hyperfixate on life and death constantly.

My bf was getting more and more upset that I wasn’t hanging out with him, and despite me telling him repeatedly that I didn’t want to end the relationship and that I just needed time to grieve and be with my family, he just didn’t understand. We hung out one time in January a week before we had to return to school (we went to the same school). When I returned to school, I thought things would get better for me as I finally had obligations and things to fill my time with, it really didn’t. I continued to isolate and tried my best to at least keep up my grades and go to class. I was having vivid dreams about my grandmother and seeing her in my dorm room. My bf and I continued to be distant. I tried to tell him I was just trying to get back to living life as normal while grieving but ig he just didn’t understand.

On top of the grief of my grandmother, my parents were planning on separating as their relationship continued to get more and more tumultuous at home. My dad was emotionally abusive and wasn’t changing which added to my stress. This obviously just made things worse for me mentally.

My bf of 4 years broke up with me over text in early February 2024. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I couldn’t handle life any longer and completely crashed out. I couldn’t control how I felt and put all of my anger on everything I was going through onto my then bf (now ex). I lost it. I broke down. I was so angry at him that I drug him name through the mud. I felt like everyone needed to know what he did to me; how he left me when I was at my lowest already and how I knew I would’ve never done that to him. After the anger subsided, I felt immense guilt for how much I had hurt him, and the guilt turned into hatred for myself. I felt like i was broken beyond repair and didn’t feel a need to live anymore. I had my first suicide attempt in my dorm room 2 days after I was broken up with. I traumatized my roommate and probably a few others. I regret that I felt like i was a failure even when trying to take my own life.

I spent a week in the psychiatric hospital. When I got out, I wanted to go back to school as it was the only thing keeping me motivated. But when I got back, my campus became so traumatizing. I would stay in my room for hours. I was anxious about where I walked and who I saw. I was worried about seeing my ex so I didn’t feel like going anywhere. I just wanted to try taking my life again. I ended up taking a medical leave from school to go do php and iop for 3 months. I graduated last month.

I finally thought things were turning around for me and that life was getting better. I got a personal therapist that I was meeting with, and was focusing on cherishing the people I had around me like close family and friends. However, 2 days after I graduated from iop, my uncle suddenly died from a heart attack. It was completely unexpected and wrecked my family. I’ll never forget going to the hospital early that morning and going into the room where they had is body. The smell still haunts me. I had to help again with funeral planning and it was so stressful.

We had the funeral yesterday and for some reason, I thought about checking in on my ex to see how he was doing. I never actually contacted him, but a mutual friend contacting him for me and ig I didn’t like the response from my ex. He said he doesn’t wish to speak to me in the future. I know on a surface level that he’s 100% not obligated to speak to me bc I hurt him. I know my actions were lethal to our relationship and it will never be the way it was. The relationship doesn’t exist. But something abt his response still stings and made me just hate myself all over again. Now when im feeling suicidal I just contact the suicide hotline. But I feel like this semblance of being cursed. I feel like something evil has a grasp on me and will continue to make my life worse and worse no matter what I do. Idk if I’m having a manic episode or something but I just feel like no matter what I can’t heal. I feel empty and broken. I wish I could be happy again. I wish that was the foreseeable future for me. I’ve tried prayer consistently, I’ve tried journaling, reading, writing, therapy, medication, crying, screaming, working out, everything.

The further I fall into my depression and the more death and grief I see around me makes me feel more and more comfortable with death and dying. I even went as far as planning my own funeral a few months ago. Now that I’ve been to so many, I know what to expect. I feel like my death will have more. impact on the people around me than me having a full career and living until I’m grown. I feel like no one else understands that part of suicidal ideation. I just wish I could wake up and not be where I am right now. I wanna wake up happier and feeling whole. But something keeps telling me the pain is just gonna get worse. Everytime I’ve tried to get better, things just get worse anyway so I just feel like what’s the point?

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