As I have reported before I have had to ground my 15 year old son for lying and being sneaking around behind my back the last time was when his father told him to sneak a bag of clothes and his court clothes I bought to the garage I saw him and questioned him he lied to me and said he was returning the clothes to his friends house across the street and that he was ironing his court clothes and polishing his shoes. I accepted this and the next thing I know his father text me and told me I took our son see you in court.
No matter how many times I told my son that he was grounded for lying and sneaking behind my back he says dad told him to do it. I replied that then that was wrong of his father but that isn't what he was being punished for it was doing it that was wrong of him. He just doesn't see that it is his own actions I am punishing him for.
I know what it is to be jailed up in this house all it does it create bad feelings and anger so I thought do I want or need more of that from or for my son ? is that going to give me the behavior I am wanting from him? So I thought if I was to be his jailer what would that gain me? Nothing so what could I do to get what I wanted with the least resistance from him? I came up with even in maximum security prisons give the prisoners 1hour of free time so I have adopted that but added that he could earn more time by doing his chores without complaining so far this has been working he gets out for an hour but it has to be supervised by someone I know and trust or he can't go out. He has cleaned his room and done his laundry he even cleaned the litter box. He has been polite and respectful he's even laughed with me and joked around even after he testified against me which I do not hold against him that I blame his father who didn't think of the child before himself.
Yes he has tried to push it but I have stayed firm and reminded him that many parents do not even give their children an hour off a day let alone the ability to earn extra time and after a few minuets he backed off. So maybe this is working I know there is less fighting and there is some happy moments that might not be there if he didn't know he could earn extra supervised time.
My brother put his ten year old son in time out until he would give up information about his mother. I think my nephew will remember that until the day he dies. I think your son is between a rock and a hard place. His dad is forcing him to lie and sneak, and then he has to face you and get punished for doing something that he really had no choice about doing. I hope things will calm down now that your ex has left the state and your court date is over. Maybe you can cut him some more slack now that you know his dad isn't lurking outside your garage waiting to take your son away. Try really hard to separate the things your son has control over from the things he did because he had no real choice. Then, set clear boundaries for him regarding that which he can control, and have immediate consequences that are related to the infraction. For example, if he uses his phone to send an inappropriate text to another child, you would take the phone away, but you would not make him throw away an important non-related toy just to make a point. I know you get it, Teddy. I can tell you are a good mom whose hit a terribly rough patch.
Thank-you soft, It wasn't so much what he did for his dad that he is grounded he had been for the past two months doing it and sneaking off this was just the last straw he had control over if he did it or not there is no rock there you have a choice in doing the right thing even if someone is telling you to do the wrong thing no matter who it is or why they are telling you to do it. You always have a choice and if you do not feel you do you still have the choice to tell someone else so they can be the one to make that choice for you.
A child should never be told to do something by another parent that is harmful to the other parent or be put in a spot where they must chose one parent over the other. it is like I've said in other posts we do not have control over anyone other then ourselves He had choices he chose not to take and that is why he is grounded as I told him his father was wrong in telling him to do it but he was wrong for doing it because he knew it was wrong and he did it anyway
I understand your reasoning. I am just thinking that if your ex was able to manipulate and control you, a grown woman, for 23 years, how easy it must be for him to manipulate and control a 15 year old boy. Control freaks have magical ways, and a kid is an easy target. Your ex is doing the wrong thing by making your son sneak and lie.
So if he was able to do it to me who better then me to teach our son not to allow it to be done to him? I want him to be strong enough to say no, no matter who it is telling him to do the wrong thing. What is he going to do if it was something illegal next time I want him to make the right choices no matter who or what is asking him or telling him at 15 he knows right from wrong and knows what he is doing is wrong now he has to do the time since he chose to do the crime
Yes, I agree. You will have to do double duty as a good mom undoing what negative behaviors your ex has taught your son. And you are right, the kid is trainable. He needs to know right from wrong and be held accountable.
exactly I made sure to explain this to him and to a church friend who has also talked to him about it. It was never about his visit with his father but that he handled it wrong he has to be accountable for his own actions and choices and strong enough to stand up to anyone asking him to do the wrong thing and when he doesn't that there are consequences for making the wrong choices
I would also be mindful though that on his father's end, the consequences for not doing what he says may be far harsher than anything you are doling out.
On his father I SO HOPE IT IS but it wont be because I did something other then report it to the court and police that will be what he will deal with I am just doing what it takes to raise my child to do the right thing not just to me but to anyone including his father
I hope you are right and that the child is safe with his father, even if he goes against his father's wishes.
yes he never hit anyone of us I believe it is because he is scared of me the worse he will do to my son is ignore him but he's done that since he was diagnosed with ADHD at 10 yrs old. He'll be hurt but he will get used to it again and know I was there for him this time too
How sad to ignore his child. He will regret it one day, but that may be so far into the future that you never know it or see it.
I've seen it right now he is buying his affection and loyalty but that will only last as long as his buying things does then he will see I am still here for him as I always have been