I had therapy yesterday and one of my assignments was to talk with my partner about my recent lapses. I have been out of inpatient treatment for about 5 weeks, and recently I have been having some horrible lapses. So, last night I sat my partner down and was very blunt and honest with her about where I am right now. It backfired HORRIBLY!
[sidenote] While I was inpatient, my neighbor, Byron, hung himself in our barn, my partner, April found him dead.
After I finished telling her about my lapses and about how I am still commited to recovery but struggling; she compared watching me struggle to watching me die. She said it was as if she was watching me hang myself, and she could not do anything about it. Her hands were tied and she couldn't stop me from putting the noose around my neck and jumping from the rafters. I think she meant this as motivation to push me toward recovery, but it pushed me in the direction of guilt and shame. I felt as if I was a burden to her and I was putting her through hell. "How could I do this to her?" I must be such a horrible person! Since our conversation, it has fueled me to lapse further which I know was not her intent. But I can't stop. I don't want to end up back in the hospital, I am scared. I left a message with my therapist, but she hasn't called me back yet. My partner and I have been together for 9 years. She has watched me recover/relapse/recover/relapse so many times, that she has lost hope in permanent recovery. It is as if she almost expects me to fail everytime I attempt recovery. In my mind I think that this gives me permission to fail. I don't know if that makes sense to you guys, but it makes sense to me.
Thank you for letting me rant, I needed to. I don't know if it makes any sense. My heart just hurts right now.
i don't have someone in my life like that so i can't relate to that, but i do understand the guilt of what these lapses and relapses do to the loved ones around me. It sounds like your partner loves you a lot. I can only offer words off encouragement as i am going through a lapse myself. Keep fighting. I really do belive that there is a way out of this. Guilt is a ***** and is a destructive feeling. Stay strong and keep posting.
Guilt and shame are my main catalyst to my eating disorder. It is pretty much a given that if I feel intense guilt or shame I will lapse. I don't know how to change that. I am working on it with my therapist, but it is so difficult to change behaviors that have been with me for so long. They are so routine and automatic.
Sarah I'm sure your partner did not mean anything mean by this. My boyfriend often says he feels helpless in aiding me...it's all in my mind, and he can't always see what's going on...neither can your partner.
Be honest with her. Tell her that while you know she didn't mean wrong with what she said you have twisted into such a way that has been negative. She is there to support you and if you can get her to explain herself in a different way I'm sure you'll feel better.
Do the what if questions. For instance, a week ago I was struggling and was having bad body image and wanted to loose weight but didn't know why, because I actually have to gain. My boyfriend responded with the something along the lines of I look even more beautiful now than I did when I had less weight, and he loves the way I look now...well the ED took that in it's hands right away, making me think he WON'T like the way I look if I gained weight. I started freaking, so I asked him...What if I put on more weight...will you still love me? Will you still think I'm beautiful? ...I was so glad I asked. He responded saying that he thinks I will look EVEN more beautiful if I put on some weight, and he will love me no matter what. He did not fall in love with my looks, he fell in love with me, Paige, the person. I felt so much better after hearing that.
Those little reassurances can go a long way. Let your partner into your head. She will help you more than you ever thought.
I agree with Paige. I think all that was intended was to help you see what she sees, and how hard it is for her to go through this with you.
No matter what happens, never give up! What you think doesn't have to make sense - half of what I think wouldn't make any sense to anyone else either. Vent if thats what it takes!
Sarah...I hope you can talk to your therapist. I understand guilt and shame, and that they are very powerful components of what maintains an eating disorder.
Think about others....would you consider guilt and shame to be an accurate emotion for them if they were in the same situation? Do you have special rules for yourself? Are they more stringent for yourself than they are for others? Why is that?
You truly have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed, but I respect that you do feel those things. Please think about the validity of these feelings, and the root from where they come. Keep venting...take care...Jan ♥