Guilty : I’m new to the incest survivors group, TRIGGER

Guilty :
I’m new to the incest survivors group,
I had my first sexual encounter when I was 3 yrs old, my bio mom would come into my room at night to lay with me so I could go to sleep , that’s when she started doing sexual things to me . This continued till I was 5 then when I was 5 ,she gave $$$ to her brother i law to have sex with me .

I feel so guilty because I know what she did was wrong but it felt good , it felt good to have that special one on one time with her where she was touching me .

The last few months Iv found myself age regressing at bed time and wanting my bio mom next to me sexually touching me , I know it’s wrong but I miss it .

1 Heart

It makes sense that you miss her being next to you because you were just a very young child only 3 years old. All you knew was that your mom was giving you that one on one attention. You were victimized in the worst way on so many levels. Your memory of your mom giving you attention is your 3 year old self so you had no way of knowing what was happening. The attention was abuse but you didn't know that, so of course your 3 year old memory doesn't see it that way.
Are you seeing a therapist for this? If not, do you plan to?

1 Heart

@Fohb460 currently not in therapy for this specifically , but I plan on it as soon as my finances are a little more stable , I’m hoping to get some help with the age regression as well .

1 Heart

A few things that I have learned below.... You are welcome to message me privately if you'd like.

- physical touch, especially in private areas, can be pleasurable. so when a young child is abused, it can be very confusing. You should not feel guilty that it felt good.
- when you are abused at a young age, you tend to sexualize a lot of other things in relationships. That bond with your mother that you loved and trusted became sexualized, and that is very confusing

My advice is to learn how to forgive yourself, and definitely seek counseling. This website is a good resource and there are a lot of great people who care and want to help.

1 Heart

@jamiemaddrox2020 trying to send you a message now

I just saw that you had sent me a message, for some reason it did not notify me. Hope you are ok.

That’s frustrating , I’m not able to message anyone for what ever reason . But I’m really struggling tonight . @jamiemaddrox2020

It is madding how crap this platform is. The people here seem great but the site glitches prevent a lot of the features from working properly. I am very sorry that you were treated this way as a child. I can definitely relate to your story. Please try to not feel so guilty. None of that was your fault, not what they did or the fact that it felt good to you. That is a totally normal feeling, many of my therapists have confirmed that. I am not sure which state you reside in, but there is free or cheaper help available for survivors in most of them. It does take a bit of looking though. Some therapists will offer reduced rates or work on sliding scares and some will do short sessions instead of the hour long to cut the cost for you. Sometimes therapists in training at colleges will be overseen by licensed ones, but can offer you some help to get started at no or low cost. Some towns/cities have community mental health centres. The BetterHelp ad seen on this site can be way cheaper than going into an office. I use them from overseas and the cost is very affordable. If you do look into them use the 10% off and click unemployed on the section it asks about work status, that gives you another discount. Some jobs have Employee assistance programs for mental health that don’t uses or need insurance to kick in. Also, try NAMI for more peer support. There are lots of help on YouTube and an app called Insight Timer. Not sure if you are religious, but there could be help in your place of worship, through the congregation. Rethink My Therapy has a free trial and that could get you help sooner than waiting for the 90 days. Bliss / CIMHS is a Canadian site that offers free online services available to US as well. I really hope you can find the help you seem to be ready to accept. You can text me if you like, sending you lots of healing vibes and hugs.

1 Heart

@Idnew nope not religious so that would not be in my best interest , I have an amazing trauma therapist that I work with that I love .