Gutted. My dads love language is shopping. I haven’t seen much of him because of covid and they live 8 hours away.it’s sadly given me so much time to grow and process trauma and stop shopping. My parents arrived Friday and it was immediately a gaslighting. In less than 48 hours he has bought a new huge tv and couch for us because he doesn’t like our living room. This seems generous but in reality it is couched in comments about “I know you don’t like change”(no I can’t afford new things right now and that’s not our priority), “I know you want to be cocooned in your couch” (no my two small children snuggle with me and you are here to visit, it’s not a hotel - I don’t say any of this but it’s reality ) etc etc. they hung up the massive tv and i was over it. My husband , who tries to buffer this but my dad is a train, and I decided on a smaller size and now my dad had a huge fit over “fine just put the other one on the curb. Let’s forget I ever made you cry” and then condescendingly pretended to comfort me when I started to cry because I was trying to have an adult conversation.I’m also 33 weeks pregnant and just wanted things to be in order for our third child under five. I’m tired and now was not the time to have to rearrange everything. It’s exhausting . I see how the child version of me resorted to bottling up anxiety in a shell do handle it all. I think he does his best, but I don’t know how the healthier adult version of me can navigate him now. I am thankful for this group because it’s all so intense and private I don’t even want to reach out to friends.
Maybe have a talk with him later over the phone and explain to him you don't want him picking out your furniture for you. You are an adult and would like to pick out your own furniture when you decide you want to do that not because he decided you needed it and pick it out for you.
If you choose not to talk to him about it then from now on you will have to have concrete plans in how you will stop him in the future. So next time maybe tell him straight up "no thank you". Practice scenarios with your husband and write down your plans then stick by it.
@Fohb460 I think this is a great plan. It was baffling how emotionally abusive he was when I didnt want what he wanted. Shopping is such a control thing for him. With space now, I think I can also just let him shop and do his thing snd return stuff or sell stuff after . I have worked hard to realize stuff is just stuff but I allowed myself to get swept away in it all when he was here. I take responsibility for that. He cannot just talk about missing us or being scared he has to control things. When I have an opinion it gets ugly so if I don’t allow myself to participate and simply say thanks and move on, I think it will be powerful.