Guys hear me out this will be long. I need your help. And I want to share some stuff so maybe I can help too. This hocd checking has been driving me insane. Every thought I have had I have checked and checked until I was satisfied. Last week I had the fear that I would like to f*ck a guy. So the first thing I did was go to gay porn and walk myself through the process, over and over again until I was satisfied. I search for that one reason that will convince me that I would never choose that over women, and once I find it I feel amazing. Not only that but I watched porn of women teasing and I got harder than I have been in a long time, and for the next few days I felt like myself after a very long time. All until I messed up and watched more porn. This time I didn't do to check, just for pleasure. And as I'm watching and getting rock hard at all these girls, I can't help but to come across **** pics from ads on the porn site. So of course my intrusive thoughts kick in telling me I want to suck it. I ignored it at first cause i was feeling confident in myself. But then after it kept distracting me I told my brain "f*ck no, I'm not gay, I'll prove it" so I start checking, and if I didn't get repulsed or had a even the slightest movement down there I was convinced that I wanted to do it. Then anxiety kicked in, and slowly I started losing my erection to the porn I was watching, which took me on a downward spiral. "Do I really want to suck d*ck?" "Is this what it was all about?" "Did I find my true desire and that's why these women stripping don't make me hard anymore?" All these thoughts are racing through my head. And that's when I start to check more. Well I've been up all night checking. My eyes are bloodshot and I haven't eaten because I'm so tired of this and I want to get to the bottom of it. I could never imagine giving head, that's the most degrading thing to me and not at all attractive. Plus the other thing is. I'm not gay. So what is going on with me, I literally pause a bunch of scenes and put my iPad closer to see if I would get turned on by a **** in front of me. And most of the time I get a groinal response. I don't know if this is anxiety or not. This girl was giving a guy head and I brought it close to my face and imagined it, and I started getting halfway aroused, but then I checked it with a video of a just a c*ck and no girl and I didn't get aroused. Which led me to believe it was just the girls actions that aroused me. I was relieved, but it wasn't enough for my Hocd, so I check again with just a guy stroking himself and a close up of the ****, and at first I looked at it and thought "f*ck this is nasty" but then I forced myself because the doubt was still there, forced myself to be there in front and about to go for it, and sure enough I started getting a groinal response, and it was like my thoughts were trying to get me to submit and just go with it. But every time I do I feel disgusting and not myself. And that arousal last maybe 3 seconds at the most. But for some reason it makes me believe that one little groinal response outweighs all the rock hard erections I've gotten from just seeing a girl strip. It's embarrassing to say the ways I've checked but I'm stuck here and I just want answers to why this happens. Makes me feel like sh*t. If anyone knows or can atleast relate. Let me know
I also want you all to know I've had this for a year, and trust me this is nothing but a sick disease that wants to bring you down. It is not you. Checking is what fuels this. Those few days last week that I quit checking I felt like myself and it felt f*cking awesome. So whenever you are at that point, don't take it for granted. Keep moving forward. Don't give in to your thoughts no matter what. There is only a certain amount of checking that you need to do until your brain is able to handle the thoughts, once you reach that point. Stop the checking. Completely. Also. The majority of the anxiety we deal with it is from the lack of repulsion from our thoughts and not that we like the thoughts themselves. You might have a gay thought of kissing a guy, but because it didn't gross you out you think you like it, which is very illogical. I just want you all to keep that in mind for the people that fear they like their thoughts. When we check we are only looking to be grossed out, but the more you check the less you will be grossed out because your brain is accustomed to the thoughts now. It's like chasing a shadow. Another thing. There's no doubt in my mind that lack of arousal comes from anxiety. There is no way I can go from being rock hard to women stripping one day and be limp in a matter of hours looking at the same video. It happened when I started checking. I just wanted to share some stuff with you guys hope it helps. And if you guys could help, it would be much appreciated.