Feels like the title is exactly what happened. Or maybe I’m putting all the blame on myself or something, I really don’t know
So a bit ago, I’d say September or August of last year, started talking to a friend a bit more. We’ve been friends for a long time, the kind where you’ll talk on and off, but still close, since 7th grade (both 20, 2 month difference). In those on and off times, I have had feelings for them, I do care about them and they are important to me. But anyway, it felt as if maybe this time I could try to act on my feelings for them, or something like that. I guess I just wanted to express my feelings, but not be in a relationship
As we talked more over the weeks and months, my crappy “flirting” and open conversation about relationship stuff, asked them if there was a chance for anything between us, and in short, they said they had feelings too, but wasn’t ready for a relationship or otherwise, I told them I wouldn’t push unless they were ready
Now, I don’t know if this is a bad time to bring it up, I have ADHD, anxiety, depression, and a whole cocktail of things due to the abuse I’ve gone through due to my neglectful, narcissistic father, all of it basically untreated. Shitty social cues, impulsiveness (especially when I get anxious) and everything that comes with narcissistic abuse and anxiety and depression, including a complete lack of boundaries of my own, and a habit of seeking validation from others due to low self esteem. And my social anxiety is off the charts, if I’m being honest. Mostly saying this just to get that stuff outta the way
So, back to the story, my friend and I, we had plans to go out and do things, watch a movie together, which went south cause the theatre wasn’t showing the movie we wanted to see, so we just decided to spend time at their house. We did. October. I think the 10th. It was a good time. I was terrified due to my social anxiety, but they got me outta the house still, while respecting my boundaries (which I feel like a piece of shit about, since I didn’t respect theirs). But this was the tipping point for my feelings, I didn’t realize it, but the limerence was in full force now. I wanted to hang out again, they said they wanted time to self isolate, but I kept messaging them, I don’t know if that was a problem or not. Asked them myself if I was being too clingy, and they said I was fine, “your chillin” in their words. I do wonder if they were just putting their own feelings aside for my sake, since they felt bad
Anyway, October 26th. I had asked them a question that was too much, asked them about past relationships and shit. They said they had no problem with it, but again, I feel they were putting their own feelings aside for my own. I was anxious while talking to them, cause I’m stupid awkward, and when I’m talking while anxious, I tend not to think about what I say or send before I do it. I feel it’s my anxiety exacerbating the impulsiveness from my anxiety. Anyway, I said something about wishing I could help them, something along those lines. That hurt them, I think, I know I did
This person is very hyper independent. Not my place to say why. But like any insecure attachment style, it’s a bad upbringing they were open with me about. I hurt them, and disrespected their boundaries. Even if I had good intentions, wishing I could help them, I still hurt them. In their words “if I ask for help, then all that I went through was for nothing”. I hurt them
I think where my limerence comes in is just how much it made those anxious feelings that come with my romantic feelings even worse. And the exacerbation of ADHD, and all the impulsiveness. I just didn’t think about what I said or how it affected them
After another conversation where they called me out. Told me they felt me bringing up my upbringing was manipulative, they felt they couldn’t talk to me about anything negative I was doing, because it made them feel like the bad guy. And honestly, I hate myself for doing it, even if it was unintentional. My lack of social cues and general oversharing, along with my casual self deprecation. I never meant for any of it to be like that, I never even thought at all. I always wanted them to tell me if I was doing something wrong, but they always said “your chillin” almost every time I asked them. But back on track, I guess.
They also felt I use my upbringing as an excuse for how I act, and that’s not my intentions either, I just suck at all of this, maybe I’m just not good at explaining how that stuff effects me, maybe I just wasn’t aware myself at the time how exactly it affected me, only that it did, I’m sorry, I don’t know
Main topic again. That last conversation, they told me “give me some time, and work on yourself” came back a week later. A week of journaling, and just figuring things out I guess, barely really, came back to them. They sent me “Listen I’m going through a lot rn I am not in the right mental state to talk to anyone rn nor will I be for a while honestly”
I asked “could I maybe check in in like a week or something” or something along those lines. I remember their words more than my own, I hate it really. I was feeling anxious about the whole situation, and it kept making things worse, I kept on messaging them on impulse just trying to get a response, even if I knew it was wrong, and it just created a feedback loop of impulsive anxious panicked messages creating more anxiety and more panicked messages
It’s now the end of March 2025. I feel I’ve come out of the situation a bit better of a person. Becoming more self aware of my issues. It’s something they told me to do. To research this kind of stuff, which I have. How my ADHD works (nobody fucking told me how this stupid brain works, I wish ADHD was something I could physically remove from my body, I hate it so much) and how the abuse I went through has truly affected me and made me the way that I am
I haven’t messaged them in I think a month, month and a half, maybe two. Progress is progress I suppose. I don’t really feel confident that I’ve changed much as a person. Everything feels the same, the only difference is being aware of my issues, and struggling to stay consistent with any self improvement
I don’t know, this veered off the topic of limerence, I just wanted to talk about it. I don’t really understand the condition fully, I just know that it’s what I felt for them. An unhealthy obsession born out of my pathetic brain not being able to handle any sort of positive attention and falling in love cause I’m a sick, validation seeking puppy fuck. I wish I could get them out of my head. I think if they ever come back to me (they haven’t blocked me on anything, just muted me, I suppose, valid after how I acted) I want to work one establishing my own boundaries with them, maybe. Working on letting them know they can tell me if I do something wrong, because of my impulsiveness and emotional dysregulation due to ADHD
I just worry that I’ve ruined everything with something I can’t seem to control. Maybe it’s better to cut them off, but I don’t want to cut someone off that I’ve known for so long and that I’m close too. Maybe just get better at noticing when those feelings come, and giving them space and myself space from them to keep things from going bad again
I’m sorry if this is too much for anyone. I’m not good at being concise, but I figure it’s best to put in all the context I can, without oversharing, at least oversharing their part
My last message to them was asking for reassurance. That I felt they were being avoidant. And that because I’m stuck worrying about the relationship, that I don’t know if I can work on improving things without them, at least in terms of my relationship with them
Maybe I should move on, but the limerence makes it hard, rumination cause of my stupid ADHD doesn’t help much either
My last message