Had the worst day so far. Could not stop crying. The pain wa

Had the worst day so far. Could not stop crying. The pain was so overwhelming. I went to see the Book Club with friends. Bit mistake. Since I had seen it with H at times during the movie tears just flowed down my face without me realizing it. I drove home crying and screaming, hitting my steering wheel. I had physio today and while I lay on the bed having heat on my hands I actually good bye letters in my head to my children. When I got home I called my mother crying. I spent 2 hours on the phone with her as she talked me off the ledge. I’m ok now but I can’t believe I got to that point. I want this separation to be done so I can move on. But H is such a procrastinator I have to do all the work so it makes it worse. Like I am digging my own grave. I have actually begun to feel hate towards him for putting me through so much pain and anguish.

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Sorry you went through this! Hugs to you! Glad you survived! You will find yourself stronger from this learning experience. I hope you have a good attorney working on your behalf.

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I'm so sorry. They have no idea what kind of pain this inflicts. Some like mine don't care which makes it even worse. This is SO painful. I've been separated for a while. But it's going to be OK for us. We just have to hang on. You have support from people who understand here. I have felt just like you have but my kids need me so I would never do that to them. Just take it one hour at a time. That's all we can do.

That was my point yesterday. His life goes on but mine seems to have stopped. I dont understand any of this. I have been hurt before but this type of pain at times seems unbearable, however I know that I cant afford to be selfish just to hurt him or at least make him feel a modicum of the pain he is putting me through. I know Karma is a B and he will get it back. You simply cant think that your going to have it made when you've p***ed on people. I dont wish any ill will towards but I surely dont and cant wish him happiness.

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@JazzyMomx3
Karma where are you???

Don't give him the satisfaction and make it easy for him because if you end it, he gets everything and your kids lose their momma. They've already lost the family. Don't take their momma too! It WILL get easier. Just hang tight. We'll hang with you....It probably still will not be the worst day you'll have before it's over and done with. Just like the AA and Al-non groups. Take one day at a time....

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@scrappylady have you looked into Divorce Care in your area? It's a great program. Our group has bonded over our pain. We meet for dinner before group and catch up on everyone's week. We have a great support group. Wishing you strength and healing.

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I learned depending on the state you live in, if you can prove adultery it's a crime. You not only have to pay a fine, but you also get jail time as well. I wish I lived in one of those 25 states. I would love to see him wear the scarlet letter for a change. Mr I know I'm a good man...my a**.

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@JazzyMomx3 I live in one of those states but my attorney said unless the behavior is egregious it has no bearing. Not sure why that is but I consider the destruction of a marriage egregious.

I bet H is accustomed to you doing the work. So take him to the cleaners on anything you can because you deserve a reward!

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Been there too. One night I was so angry I threw my eye glasses. Another night I threw my Bible on the ground. Another time I thought about whether an entire bottle of Benadryl would be enough to kill me. Another night I spent hours on the phone talking to my sister. I'm so glad I have this group to come to when I feel that way now. It does help take the edge off.

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@Scat thank you for sharing. I’ve been there as well.

I know how you are feeling as I had a meltdown with my mother 2 nights ago. I was hysterical crying telling her I did not want to live anymore. She is 82 years old and I should have not said those things to her but I was out of my mind. The pain we are all feeling is horrible. I continue to just say I cannot understand why...I cannot understand why. A male friend of mine told me he worries I will never get over this because I am the type that I have to wrap my head around any situation and fully understand and comprehend it. And I cannot with this one. We had problems for years but I was willing to stick it out versus the alternative of being alone. But H has moved on with someone new. How can a man just move on so fast and he is not looking back at all??? He came this past weekend and picked up everything on the home that we agreed upon. Took 3 separate days of him coming. he brought one of his loser friends who drinks as much as him. My neighbors said he was outside laughing and joking. I am inside the house trying to staying clear of him and I am falling apart crying with my 2 friends sitting next to me trying to console me. How can he move on??

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@Whatstheuseanymore, he may be joking and laughing on the outside but on the inside he’s ashamed about what a POS thing he’s doing.

All of your pain is so real and I appreciate you sharing it. I feel not so alone in this.

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I remember this symbolic story from an Amy Tan novel, where laughing magpies grow stronger by feeding on the tears of a crying turtle. I know that's a bit abstract, but the point is that even if he's decrying his goodness and how this is not about hurting you, I bet a part of him relishes the idea of you eating your heart out over him. You know how I know? Because it's human. Who doesn't like the idea of being this prize that drives someone else mad? He knows how little he deserves you, or anyone, because of the kind of person he is. The ego boost he gets from your suffering and is OW protects him from having to live and feel that fully. My friend was being cheated on constantly by her partner that was seriously unattractive compared to her and it was driving her insane, she also tried to take her life despite her two kids. When she let that burst out in a moment of cathartic anger, his response was "you should have done it right". (She wrote out the story on her blog if you want to read it: https://30-before-30.com/2018/05/17/killing-me-softly/) With that, she saw that her death would be no punishment for him, it would just be one more thing making it easier for him to do his dirty deeds. She turned it around to embrace the idea of a future instead of an ending. So I know it's hard, but don't let him get anything from your tears! I always advocate for dignity, calm resolution, and self care. And I still do. But if it's a choice between you and him, take him out! When my ex gave me grief despite being the one to cheat and leave, I let him have it, yelling every true thing about his immaturity, ingratitude, and weakness, even though up to that point I was careful to be positive and kind. I think he'd been in some ways enjoying the expectation of me taking a long time to get over him, since I was the one saying soul mate and growing old together only a few weeks ago. But it was my turn to relish the look on his face that he said he knew everything I was saying about him was true. If the choice is breaking down over him or breaking him down, go with the latter!

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@newb1989 Yes, agree 100%. Don’t give them kibble…to quote the Chump Lady. @scrappylady I highly recommend you go to https://www.chumplady.com/. Her book Leave a Cheater Gain a Life is a good read. I got lots of good advice from it even though I am currently trying to work on my relationship with my husband. I believe you can even download her book for free from that site. You deserve better then how you are being treated. Demand it.

I know how you're feeling, I've been there so much the past few days. I was on the phone with a crisis counselor at 4 am after waking up from a dream of him. I've punched pillows, stabbed a cardboard box to death, thrown things (although in an apt there is only so much of that I can get away with). Cried a few times the last day--it can only be described as primal--loud, keening, wailing.......that exhausts me and I usually fall asleep for a bit after that. I've been really anxious lately, and second guessing myself as to whether I should have kicked him out or not. Trying not to think that he's probably with her now (although i don't honestly know where he is). Wanting to contact him and knowing I shouldn't, and afraid that if I did I'd find out he's happy. I'm trying to take solace in the thought that he'll probably do the same thing to this woman down the line. But part of me is afraid that he's not, and that maybe SHE's the love of HIS life (as I always considered him to me). I wish I could find out how he's doing ONLY if he's miserable.....otherwise I don't want to know.

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@Elandlus Chances are, he does not have the ability to feel the depth & range of emotions that you can, so his misery will look a lot different than yours. But I hear you - took me a long time to be able to not care how my ex is doing, and now I only care that he is far away from me!

Hey scrappy lady, If the therapist is getting paid, then he is not wasting the therapist's time, he is wasting his own time & money. But wow - he is so dishonest & deceitful - must have been tough for you, living with someone who chose/chooses to lie so much. Gotta be a bit of an adjustment for you, living with less drama and honesty now. Give yourself time - you will come through this. Love yourself. You really are worth it.

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