Happy but wary

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

Hey guys, well i've had "good days" as of late. And by that I mean I'm really getting back out there. i met one of my friends sunday night and had lunch again with her today...and it doesn't feel AS scary.

I am feeling pretty meek in regard to my ED and problem with my ex. I will get over the ex thing, it's just an open wound at present, i know. But the ED, I don't know, it's not like I want to binge, or have wanted to, over the last few days...it's just i always feel it's presence, like it's lurking there around the next turn, waiting for that moment, to take me out.

I am doing my ultimate to make sure i eat - NOT STARVE and not OVER EXERCISE, because I don't want to get sucked back in. And I am trying to make sure I have made some social plans...be it a coffee with someone or something during the week.

I am glad, and feel empowered by the fact that I decided to go back to therapy, i am just waiting on an appointment. It's just I do feel better, and I know people around me see this, so I'm just scared when this happens...and then if I get "HIT" by a binge, nobody will understand, or think I'm selfish because i go from being ok, to being so low and unsocial...I barely understand it myself.

So I guess to sum up...I am happy at present...but apprehensive...and I really am at that one day at a time stage.

Maybe this is a good place to be...I don't know?

My thoughts are with you all, I hope you are finding that inner strength.

Moongal x

2

oh my! i know exactly what you mean about those good days being tainted with apprehension... that's something i've been trying to process myself lately - the ED is there, even if it isn't as present as it was before it's still there, speaking to me...

i know that confusion too - it's like, i know i'm happier now and healthier... but it's still there... and lately for me it is getting a bit stronger.

keep going out though, that's fantastic! i'm still scared to go out too, but i force myself. i have a couple of girls i am going to see who used to be my best friends, but i had to stop because they too had eating disorders and it became unhealthy for me to be around them... so i'm seeing them this saturday and i'm so so freaked - they're the classic "mean girls" from the tina fey flick... they've always scared me (even when we were BFF), but now i have to see them at a mutual friend's baby shower, after cutting them off - they're gonna be stick thin, and i'll be my size... so i'm apprehensive about how the ED will be

3

Hey Misst,
Nice to know someone feels the same. In a way I take comfort that I haven't taken the "this time it will be different" approach...like I've made myself more aware that it is there...so keep the guard up. But does that mean I don't have much faith in myself too?

And it is almost overwhelming to feel like you are getting somewhere, like you don't want to get too excited about it, or you don't want anyone around you to get too excited either, because recovery is such a fragile thing it can be whisked away in a second.

I think it's like I'm trying to remember who I was before the binge eating and depression took over and I'm trying to put her back together, because she was a happy girl...so I have to kind of get to grips with who I was and who I am...does that make sense?

Oh it is good that you got away from those friends, if they were having such a negative influence on you. Maybe though won't seem as scary to you meeting them, because we all grow out of that "cool" thing...and start to look for the good in people.

Hun, it doesn't matter if they are stick thin at all...because that is the end reaction of an ED and it really is frightening. You should be a healthy and be in the pursuit of true happiness...have you ever wondered what happiness means to you?

To me happiness is family, friends, love (of all kinds), health, children (eventually) work and comfort in myself - in that i have that ability to say, "ya know what..I am ok" and truly believe it.

I hope you enjoy your at the baby shower, but remember you are you...and you should feel good for being you and what you are achieving. I truly believe happiness comes from the heart...not from the mirror.

Do you mind if I ask, do you find it difficult to sit still, when you are like this, it's like your mind is going bananas, I get very restless, I just can't sit and watch TV or anything I always need to be doing something next. I don't know, is that just me?

Thinking of you
MG x

4

Hey,
I'm not have a great day..emotionally wise..even though I have plans made and things to do. I keep thinking about me ex and the hurt he caused, I just want to cry all the time from it. i know this is something I need to get past, but everytime I feel like i'm gettin somewhere it's like i fall again.

I just wished a guy I used to date congrats on getting back into college...and even that feels like a huge step to me...like I have no feelings of attraction for this person, we are just friends, there is nothing between us, and i'm not just saying that...but even that kind of thing scares me. There is a guy waiting to date me because he know I'm not ready yet, if I feel like this now, how long will it take? I just want this complete fear to go away.

I should probably make plans for tonight, anything. I'm tired of being scared of everything...food, rejection, life, memories...ach! I don't think it's going to be a binge day, but I do want to cry from the stress of it all, something in me is broken and it seems to be very difficult to fix.

I just want "moongal" back...complete and happy.

I hope you are having a good day, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Moongal x