Has anybody here actually successfully rebuilt their relatio

Has anybody here actually successfully rebuilt their relationship and was as happy or happier than before?
I don't get how I am still this emotional almost a year later. We are trying to work things out, but I can't stop thinking about what he did/might have done all the time. I can't focus at work, I can't fully enjoy anything. It feels as fresh and painful as day 1...

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I had just found out about my wife's affair in December. And what you just said is one of the things that scares me the most! Scared it will come back and haunt me and keep me from being who I use to be. Very unfair game we have to play.

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I am not better yet after 6 months. In the time I have been on here I have heard of a few people that seem to make it work. The timing is always longer, like 12 months or more. I do not think it has much to do with time, except that a successful rebuild take time. The real factor is the people involved. Is your spouse remorseful and do they want you as a partner? In that the affair happened inside your relationship, have you been honest in assessing your own relationship? Do you love this person?
I am still a mess and I can see how you cannot make many decisions about your future for months until you have a clear head. I do not mean to be harsh or judgemental but at a year the affair needs to be history. Is the fact that you are not happy more about you...literally not being happy? Your spouse does not make you happy, you do. Do you think you are dwelling on this affair? Is is an excuse for you not dealing with other issues? I hate what my wife did, I feel like you do, however, I am 6 months in and I have committed that if I do not get much better (not perfect) after 1 year I will move on. You only live once, I have already wasted 6 months in a fog.

@jchere was your responce for me? Just not sure

A year is not very long. I think this takes time from every thing I've read. It's like a death. You have to mourn the loss. Not to mention that if it was a surprise there can be a lot of trauma.

sometimes it takes YEARS... years. but it HAS TO be something that you BOTH want- and work hard at. eventually you can be 'happy' but no- i dont think even then you return to what you had before- but what you gain can still be good.
~uac

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Thank you everyone. From what he says, it is something we both want, but how do you believe a liar? That's what I don't know, is how do I ever look at him the same again? Will I ever feel that same security again? It was the biggest shock and is the worst pain of my life, I never thought this kind of pain and betrayal would come from him. Every person I talked to that has gone through this, eventually left their partner or caught them cheating again. I do not know a single couple that said they ended up ok. We have been together 12 years, no kids and not married. I am only 28 and have a lot of life left and I don't know how to live it happily constantly wondering if I am living in a lie....

@jchere And this is where I am looking for support, it doesn’t seem like anyone who stays together after an affair is for just good 'ol love and desire for that person, it’s all circumstance. You say if you were 28 and no kids you’d be quicker to leave your wife… So I am looking for hope that love is really all you need, but not really finding that. While we may not have kids together, we’ve been together for 12 years, and that still isn’t something you can just toss to the wind.

You HAVE to stay in the PRESENT. You are dwelling on the past. You can't change it, acceptance and TIME helps.

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@miserableinmd I can’t get my mind out of the past, maybe one day.

28 and no kids? Based on how I feel about my wifes betrayal I would be gone if I was you. I do not mean to suggest it I am only saying how the decision looks to me. 29 years and 3 grown kids is a history and in the back of my mind I feel it is worth fixing mainly because of all the good stuff. But the history good stuff is measured against the unknowns, can you start again at 53 years old. Of course you can but I must weigh all the other issues. Like I said, i do not want to seem too bold, your love may be great with your spouse, but if I was 28 and no kids the comparative issues would be much less. The fear would be much less.

We all have the same issue, granted circumstances vary kids/no kids and the length and type of betrail, but ultimately is it possible to trust and love someone again when you know they have lied to you on such a scale - how do you know the truth from the lies...?

@Tumble That’s what I want to know… has anyone actually done it. Or am I just being young, dumb and naive…

I have actually done it. For a long time my partner had emotional affairs with many women online. When I found out I fought with the hate he made me feel for doing this to me along with all the other emotions of not being good enough, etc.. . 2 + years later we just got engaged. Something I never EVER thought would happen. I can honestly say I am happier now then I was before that all happened. Its a hard hard road, it's a lot of talking, a lot of counseling, a lot of work but if you love him and he loves you isn't it worth it? You have to both want to fix it. it can't be done by yourself. I wish you the best!!! <3

@DolphinDreams The answer is yes, and apparently more stay together than split. Statistically, but maybe we do not hear about the ones who split due to affairs...they just split.
I understand what Tumble says about we are all the same and that trust and love are the keys to recover. How do we know the truth from the lies...well we have to trust and love again. We will not know for sure. By trying we are risking being hurt again. So my point is we all have to weigh the pros and the cons...I would say age, kids, length of marriage are all very important to weigh against the risk of being hurt or it not working. Once gain it is not my business but you are so young...I can tell you that kids are an issue. Now that this has happened to me I have come to see the unconditional love I received from my parents. I have that with my kids now...but not with my wife. Before the affair I would have said I had it with my wife. It is gone. I do not live with my kids so I need a life with my wife or someone else. But think about that...people who stay together cause of kids do it for more than just the kids being happy, they do it because the kids are them. My wife and I receive unconditional love from our kids, we share that. I am rambling but I really want you to remember your love with your spouse is love and if you have no other reason for sharing your lives, make sure it is love that is as close to unconditional as you can. Maybe no love non-blood can be unconditional but I do not believe that...but I will never have it with my wife if I stay.

The fear of dealing with this month after month terrifies me! Again I never wanted any of this! I was so happy, then it was like she stepped out and a new woman walked in. And I hated this new woman but kept fighting to get the old one back, but after I failed and the truth came out, its like I just gave up :( I fought so hard in the beginning, I told her she has to find a way to re spark me I am mentally drained! Her turn!

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