Has anyone done a "marriage autopsy" to figure out where the root of the problem is that lead to cheating? If so, did you and your spouse agree on what/when it was?
Also, I'm curious if anyone has had an addiction assessment? My therapist recommended having MH assessed for addiction. (I see a therapist, and we both see another therapist in the same office for marriage/couples counseling.) I didn't think to ask at the moment but I wonder if that's something a marriage counselor could typically do?
It sounds like you're seeing a good therapist.
@Ariel7890 I think so. She’s been dead on about a lot of things.
MH admitted he used to have a gambling problem… and I seriously wonder about a sexual and/or porn addition.
I'm curious as to how a marriage autopsy would be done.
@2Changes I picture a dead body on a table and a scalpel… but no, I’m not exactly sure either. We both talked about where we felt things started to go wrong, and we both have different views. We haven’t yet gone through our views with the marriage counselor but I hope we at least touch on it at our next appt.
The Root problem is with the cheater not the marriage. Not everyone in a bad marriage cheats and not all cheaters are in a bad marriage.
1 Heart
@Consumed39 Well yeah I have to agree with that.
We talked about how/when things went wrong for us and we don't agree either. Funny how different people see things when you are in the same house.
@2Changes I see it as going further back than MH does. He says it was after our daughter was born and I was so absorbing in her care that he felt left out; that he also felt around that time that he couldn’t talk to me. I see it as a few years before that when he wouldn’t/couldn’t understand my explanations of why I wanted things or why I felt the emotions I did. Our discussions would end in me crying because he just would. not. understand me. And it hasn’t improved a lot since – we still go round and round on him just not understanding my emotions.
I wonder if our spouses would have had the guts to come to us and say they weren't happy in the marriage and wanted to get counseling how different the discussions in counseling would be. I really feel our focus would be so different and that it would be easier to work on without the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, etc.
@2Changes We actually were in counseling before I found out about his emotional cheating. It wasn’t different. It was still the same old s**t – he laid the blame for our problems at my feet. I couldn’t communicate, not he wouldn’t understand. I held things in, not he made the discussions so painful that I couldn’t put myself through them on a daily basis.
You should watch the video I posted. Better yet watch it with your husbands.
@Consumed39 When did you post it and/or can you post it here?
He should be the one instigating the solution if he is the one who cheated. If he is sitting back letting you and the therapist "have him" do something (tests, etc), it sounds like he is not very motivated to change. If I fharmed someone I loved, it **** well better be me who finds the solution. It is extremely hard for unfaithful people to change. If they are not willing to do most of the heavy lifting, their problem behavior is going to continue.
1 Heart
@lissiehud607 yeah agreed. That’s a lot of the problem I have right now. It’s like I get glimpses of remorse, and some support… But then he flips right back to blaming me rather than admit he did something wrong. I feel like he’s two different people because it’s just so extreme the difference in the way he acts. It’s crazymaking.