Hating yourself is no way to live but is being thin really something to die for

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

I'm new here...my fiance pushed me to join some sort of group. It kills him to listen to me hating myself. It kills him to hear me call myself fat...it kills him to know that he can't do anything for me. That's why I'm here, I guess.

So I don't really know how I'd classify myself...I've got very strange dietary habits, it's true. I've never had the strength to stop eating altogether, but I go for long periods of time on an empty stomach and sometimes have one large or medium-sized meal at the end of the day. I have very limited dietary preferences, and generally after I eat I exercise compulsively for about an hour.

My weight? 143 pounds. How long has it been that way? About four years. The fat just won't go away. I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted with myself...

If I look at a height/weight chart, I'm "normal". Um, I live in America. Aren't we among the fattest countries in the world? "Normal" in America is gigantic anywhere else. And it's not so much about the number of pounds...it's the way they're distributed. I'm lumpy. I'm disgusting. Muffin top, potbelly, thunder thighs, flappy upper arms, love handles...how is it that no one can see how fat I am? Why do none of my friends or my fiance get that I'm huge and disgusting? (Not that anything could really be done about my face...I'm ugly no matter how skinny I get.)

But still...why can't I lose the weight? I'm disgusting! I barely eat and the number on the scale doesn't even fluctuate.

Frankly, at this point, I have no interest in being "healthy". I tried that.

All I want is to be skinny. I want to fit into size five jeans. I want to look good in a bikini. I don't want to feel like crying every time I look in a mirror. I want to actually believe it when people tell me I'm beautiful and thin. I want to have that for myself.

But at the same time...my mind is telling me, "Kat...hating yourself is no way to live. But is being thin really something to die for?" I don't know the answer to that question. But I do know that I have a fiance who loves me and can't stand to see me in so much pain. I'm not just living for myself anymore.

So I'm here for help. I want to get better. I don't know whether that means I want to start accepting myself or if I want to lose the weight so I can be happy...but I'm not happy where I am and I want to get better. I'm sick of hating myself.

2

welcome and i hope you get help for your ED...

this is a great support site and loving community,

umm one thing though, if you look at the disclaimer on the site--NO NUMBERS,WEGHTS, BMIS, OR CALORIC NUMBERS.

this is a safe site, to promote recovery, for those who want recovery, in a safe environment. certain numbers can be triggering for most on here...and what if one of us was your weight(like me) would be possibly offended and triggered, so just a note not to use numbers.

and there is nothing fat with beign normal, just because we are an obese county does not mean healthy is fat. healthy is great.

just a note for you, to keep it safe, not that im criticizing you , but impressionable minds could get distraught.

i hope you get the treatment you need, and also it is very destuctive to have ED and a relationship, i almost lost mine to ED, i would much rather be with someone who loves me and be heavier than die and be alone with the hell and punishment of ED. your fiancee will be so happy if you get better, but you have to do this for you. you cant do this for someone else...

and why live life unhappy? you will never reach that goal weight, even when you reach 'it' you will still hate yourself. that hate wont change with losing weight.

healthy is the way to go, it is where i have been for 6 months now, and id never go back to anorexia ever again.

maureen

3

Sorry…didn’t see a disclaimer anywhere. I read the Support Groups Legal Statement and none of that is listed under “forbidden material”, so…

I’m probably just an idiot though. Won’t happen again.

4

probabaly it isnt under the support group, but the eating disorder support group,

dont call yourself an idiot, im just pointing it out. it is something all newcomers have to know, just to be safe...

you are not an idiot.

i hope you keep posting and i hope you want to recover for yourself.

love
maureen

5

Thank you…I do want to recover. A lot. It’s taking a huge toll on my mental state to be so constantly obsessive about my body image.

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welcome! I hope this site can provide some encouragement for you to seek the help you need. Your fiance sounds like my husband. He was so sick of hearing me hate myself that he made me stop talking about it. Of course this backfired and made me worse but that was the point when I realized something needed to change. It sounds like you are at this point too.
I would highly recommend that you start your journey with some research. This site is amazing and I think you should also consider reading a book or two on the subject. Many of us have read Jenni Schaefer's "Life Without ED". The book changed my life.
I wish you the best of luck! Please keep us up to date on your journey.

7

Miss Alley Kat,

Welcome to Support Groups! Yes, this site is life-changing! ♥ I hope you will continue to reach out to others here; it is a very safe, supportive place to seek recovery.

Are you working with a professional? I hope that you will consider looking for a therapist, if you don't already have one. While this site is wonderful, it is not a replacement for professional care. :)

I look forward to hearing more from you!

Love,

Jen

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MAK....Welcome! I hope you will continue to share and utilize the amazing support and insight on this site. You are NOT an idiot. We all are learning every day. I look forward to reading more about you! NEVER give up!! Take care, Jan ♥

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Hi, I'm new to this site, never did a chatroom, but am heartened already to know there's a place for me to get and give support. I feel really hopeful right now, even though I ache a bit from last night's binge. I'll read what you have on that topic and get the books you suggest. Why didn't I think of this before?

I have been on Weight Watchers up until last week and lost weight and enjoyed eating a variety of foods I hadn't allowed myself for years. But I still succumb to nighttime bingeing. A recent article in Psychology Today about addictions was helpful. I know I have to be aware of my feelings prior to the binge. I have high expectations of myself, so the stress contributes to the binge. Also, watching tv is a problem. Also, going beyond the Weight Watchers point allowance for the day, even a little, makes me feel like a failure and starts the bingeing. While I'm in it, I feel, "okay, might as well eat everything I've been wanting to try since I'll be going back to the regime tomorrow.." My husband and daughter have foods they like such as ice cream and chips and those were my downfall last night.

But I thank you in advance for any responses and supportive words can offer and I wish everyone strength in the struggle to be happier. We can do it!!!

10

Well...so your problems continue...
I will be honest with you, as everyone here knows :)
The reason you are still bingeing, at night or any other time is because your body is not getting adeqyate nutrition. Points or not, variety or not, inadequate nutrition is very likely to lead to a binge. Diets don't work...long term. Yo-yo dieting will eventually lead you to a higher weight than ever before. It's the body's defense against starvation. You might think you are the exception, and that you are very good at dieting, so it can't happen to you, but the only alternative is that you could very likely die of starvation. So..either way, it's fruitless. this doesn't mean you can't try to balance your diet and eat well, but any deprivation can be dangerous both physically and psychologically.
I hope you will see a professional who is educated in this subject, and who will help you with the emotional component as well. Please stop wasting your money on WW and other diet scams. I hope you will continue to share...Jan

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Hi Jan,
Thank you for your time and concern. You seem confident and I’d like to be that way, too. I would like your impressions of what I’m about to say. I was never hungry on Weight Watchers and I enjoyed cooking and eating. I think its the psychological game I played with myself about the numbers: going over was bad, staying within the points was good. I’m such a goody two shoes always seeking approval, that I couldn’t bear to gain weight more for them than for me, as though I’d be letting the program down or get their disapproval. I’ve had therapy and will probably go again, but I imagine I’d need a specialist in food issues. People look at me and don’t see what my problem is because I’m kind of petite, but they didn’t see me when I was heavy and they don’t know how it bums me out to glut myself when I’m anxious.
Anyway, thanks again for your feedback and best of luck to you in your efforts to overcome bingeing. How do you talk yourself down from it?
L

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Ah, L, I totally agree with Jan. The weight loss industry has made tons of money because diets are doomed to fail. The kicker is that instead of blaming the diet, we blame ourselves for failing. :P I tried WW. Jenny Craig. Slim Fast. Etc, etc. When I finally "got it" and lost the weight in earnest, I became so terrified of regaining that I kept on losing. I lost control in the other direction. Diets do NOT work. You might look for the book, Intuitive Eating. It was recommended to me at my outpatient clinic, and I just started reading it this morning. :)

Please keep writing!! Thinking of you,

Jen

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Jen, thanks for your suggestion. I’ll look up the book on Amazon. I did great with intuitive eating, chucked all diets years ago when my husband brought home an article from the newspaper about “feeding the hunger”. It pretty much works for me. I rejoined Weight Watchers recently because I was gaining so much and couldn’t quit the bingeing. Perhaps what’s best is a refresher course on the intuitive eating. And this site!

14

Hi Miss Alley Cat,

Thank you for coming to this site and sharing a little bit about your situation. I know how you feel when you look in the mirror and are appalled by what you see, even if the doctors say your weight is normal. It's a hard thing to be uncomfortable in your own skin, and you're right, it's no way to live. Whether you are underweight, normal, or overweight, being uncomfortable in your body is a terrible feeling. I think everyone here understands what that feels like.

I have learned from my own experiences that the hatred and disgust I have for my own body has very little to do with my actual body. Through my time in therapy I have realized that I take all my pain, all my frustration, and I take it all out on my body. It's as if coming to terms with how I feel about myself is too much to handle, but I have to take out my pain somehow, so I deal with something much more tangible-- weight, size, scales, numbers....

I would bet that there are other things in your life bothering you besides your weight and the size of your body. A lot of people with eating disorders or who display characteristics of eating disorders (skipping meals, starving, over-exercising or exercising as compensatory behavior, etc) have issues with things like self-confidence, feelings of self-worth, never feeling "good enough," family dynamic problems, past abuse, trust issues, or previous trauma in what ever sense that may be... the list can go on and on.

Talking about the things that are bothering you and finding out how you really feel about yourself is a key step to appreciating your body and being OK with how it looks. I know that sounds weird, but as you begin to work out the things that trouble you or things that make you unhappy, the hatred we feel for our bodies begins to go away. That's why therapy is used in treating eating disorders; we have to nourish our bodies consistently, yes, but we have to work on our emotions, too.

I hope you will continue to write, read some of the posts others have written, and I hope you will consider going into individual therapy. It sounds like your fiancee really loves you and wants you to be able to love yourself just as much.

15

what you wrote heather, was so incredible . wow…that is one of the best posts/replies i have ever read and soooo true. WHY do i keep focusing on my body? i do believe like you, there is something more, something deeper…why do i stress out if i only gained 2 pounds?? i mean, 2 pounds??? it is soo weird. thanks so for writing this. it is great. and i will memeorize it when i go off on the deep end. i would love to know the deeper reasons why i focus on my BODY all the time. i have a pretty clear idea, but cant wait to get help for the thoughts.
sure it also has to do with the media pushing thin, that is a big part of it, but i beleive like you said it is deeper than skin deep. thank you for a thought provoking reply and i will use it for my recovery…

cause it is funny, yesterday i was thinking —why do i concentrate so much on my body and why do i hate it with such a passion??? there must be something more to this perfection goal i set up for myself…

keep writing miss heather

love
maureen

16

I agree that most, if not all of the body disgust that we feel is more about emotions or other issues about ourselves that we have not resolved. I guess to me, while I don't love the shape of my body, I don't equate who I am with that, so I am not able to focus on other parts of who I am, and I don't feel a need to try to change or control it.
Jen..you expressed it perfectly...bingeing is usually due to one or both of two things..emotions and starvation.
lmurphy...please continue to share...take care..Jan

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I would just add that I have just finished reading "Intuitive Eating" and am actively pursuing this idea with my therapist. Great book and diets do NOT work.

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Molly,

I started reading the book yesterday. Thanks for the gentle push. ;0) I know that my clinic's philosophy is built on this work. I am recognizing a lot of what I've been learning in the little I've read so far. I think it's doable. The ultimate goal for me. ♥

Love ya!

Jen

19

Molly,
Curious about the clinic. Is it in NYC, by any chance? I think I need to locate something like that in my area.
L

20

Dear Janurse,
Thank you for your thoughtful and honest comments. I wish I could be more accepting of my body when it isn't what I want. Right now I feel okay about it; I can fit into a what I deem a nice size. But I panic when I eat compulsively because I dread the results. I can still care about myself when I'm overweight, but I want the fat off my body. Its important to me. I value being slim, light and attractive. I don't think this wish is driving me to starve, because really I eat until satiated. Its the nighttime vulnerability and laziness that overtakes me; laziness to avoid journalling and work out my "issues"; vulnerability to what someone said or what impressions I've had during the day that cause some anxiety or hypercritical judgment of myself. In sum, for me, its work: no excuses. I need to go to bed early (tv is a trigger for overeating), read and journal, get up early and meditate and write affirmations, then get ready for the workday. I think I've been too soft on myself.
Thanks for getting me thinking.