hey again
i realize i post a lot.. hope its ok.. if its not just tell me lol.
so i saw my psychologist yesterday, and as usual we went through my week of food and planning.. i thought i did really well for 11 days not to binge (she did think so too btw), but she commented that wen i was b/p the week before i was almost doing better because i maintained my weight. this week i -----. and because im obsessed with calories, i couldn't help adding what up iv been eating and it is half as much as i should eat. --! such a huge amount to me. but sooner or later she said i have to eat that much.
I'm so terrified! i tried to sleep last night and all i could see was a picture of me fat scoffing down loads of food. i know its ed talking... but i don't know how i can go about this.
its so hard to put weight-loss thoughts aside, i noticed myself planning my next goal weight too, and had to try stop.
iv never been so terrified.. its definitely the hardest part of recovery yet. but I'm not giving up, the small glimpse of an ed free life iv seen so far if definitely better than with ed!
I think it's great that you post alot, not only for you but for those that may be going through the same things but too ashamed to say anything. Congratulations on 11 days of no binging that is amazing. Increasing your calories and maintaining weight is a very hard thing to do. It is a big challenge and its good you know that because you can stop it. Better to know what makes you scared and admit it then to deny it. You should be so proud that you were able to recognize tha tyou were planning a weight goal and attempted to stop it. You have made so many accomplishments you are doing great! Here is something that works for me and may work for you. I have pictures of myself as a little girl posted everywhere I go frequently such as on mirrors, the bathroom, the kitchen, in my makeup drawer, on my dresser, etc. Those are also places where I happen to begin to feel bad about my weight. When I start thinking badly about myself or try to give in to ed behaviours I try talking to my pictures the way I want to talk to my grown up self. It is alot harder to say those things to a little girl. It is also harder to imagine telling a little girl to go on a diet or to throw up her meal. If you dont think it will work with pictures of you, try using a picture of a friend, your mom, a niece or someone else you love. Another thing I do is to have a card that sits at my eating spot. the card has reminders, affirmations and anything else I want to say to myself to help me think before act. These things really work. keep up the great work. I am here if you need a support buddy. :)Nicole
thats an awesome idea!! you guys are so full of them… thank you, ill definitely try that, i especially like the eating spot one. like i have stuff in my wallet, cus i might go shopping for binge food etc, and every time i open my wallet i see them, and its worked so far.
id love a support buddy, thank you 
ash x
ifhad....thanks for sharing....sorry, but I deleted your numbers...
I am so sorry you are struggling. I understand that you are scared, but it's good that you have put the weight-loss plans aside....it won't help!
The freedom you can have without the ED is the truth; what you are dealing with now are the lies of the ED.
Be proud of what you are doing, and take each day for itself.
Please keep writing....and take care...Jan ♥
so sorry for putting numbers up… thought of it once i posted and left for work.
i dont know if i can put weight loss aside… and even worse if the weight gain… at if i gain doubling the amount i eat?? i like shake when i think about it
Thanks for sharing girl :) I know what you mean about planning our next goal weight, it's such a frustrating thing and you should be proud of what your doing now and not worry about anything else.. Have you tried yoga or pilates? I started and it really helps to relax you and get your ming off things in your head. :)
i used to do pilates heaps, they were awesome!iv just started jogging, iv never been one for jogging even in my crazy exercise days… but we’ll see haha
ah, horrible, dunno how to escape those thoughts hey
I actually had to completely stop going to the gym and exercising right now for my recovery, because I just couldn't do it without thinking of weightloss and burning calories. I was terrified of losing weight too, but the most important thing is to really get a handle on my ed. Losing weight is awesome and rewarding, but freedom is extremely valuable at any weight.
wow thatd be hard, i used to be addicted to gym. not now, i just randomly exercise wen i feel like it lol.
i love that though ‘freedom is exremely vaulable at ANY weight’
Hi Ash,
Im glad those things may help you and having things in your wallet is a great idea too! Putting weight loss aside is one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. I still have not done it completely. it is so scary but its great that you can admit it and that you are sharing on here. The most important thing is to be aware of it and to try to change the those negative weight loss thoughts into positive. The last few days whic I might add are the only few days in the last 16 years where I did not think about dieting! I contribute the success to focusing my energy on becoming a "normal eater" which we are learning about in therapy. Im trying to focus on how my body feels when i eat certain things and give it what it really wants instead of what I think it should have. Its so hard but it is possible and I know you are scared right now and struggling but keep fighting! Here for you whenever you need support! :) Nicole
hey nicole
yeah im up to a smilar place in my therapy too. in fact i think the pre-requisite was to put weightloss ideas aside… which i havnt been able to do yet.
its a really scary thing, because my fear is gaining. i lost a lot with anorexia, and maintained or los a little with bulimia, and it scares me putting it all back on again.
normality… its the big piture hey. eek!
all the best
here for you too!
Hi ifihadwingz,
I think it's great you post here too, as nicole said because it helps other people and brings awareness to your issues with food and weight to light with yourself too.
And congratulations you are doing wonderfully.
Do you also see a therapist as well as i psychologist? Or does this person do therapy with you too? I know how consuming and tiring the calories and calories burning and all that can just take over and torture your head more than anything, and the idea of letting go of that freaks you out even more because it's the fear that the food will start to control you....I've sung that song sister:)
But what you really need to realise is it's a slow process and you are doing great with it. See how far you've come from once you started? Amazing isn't it?:)
And no need to be afraid cos you know you are strong. And although get over an ED is a rollercoaster journey you can handle it, both the highs and lows, keep going how you're going..you're doing great.
And Nicole I really love the idea of the little girl photos, i think it's really a nice way to remind ourselves that we should talk better to ourselves, and although we look like adults we still are fragile, and words to ourselves hurt.
Love to all you battlers.
Moongal x
heyaa
thanks for your reply… so have u overcome ur ed now?? sounds like at least ur moving past it anyway. thats sp great to hear
yeah you’re right too… its A LONNGGGG PROCESS!! but yeah its good all the same, im glad its long in a way cus otherwise i wdnt grow into it if u know wat i mean?
yeah my therapist is a psychologist, i see her once a week and i see another psychologist as a case manager, so i cant get myself into too much trouble! lol
isnt it crazy… like how we once thought that 'ill skip this meal…(a bit later) i cant only have this today…" turned into a life controlling disorder… and the journey to overcome it is even harder than the disorder itself… wish sometimes we could take back our mistakes. but on the bright side we are stronger people now and can help others.
sorry im rambling haha
thanks so much
ash x
Thanks Ash,
We will get through this. :) Nicole
Hey ifihadwingz,
I am moving in the right direction. Just getting to the root of issues around it, and my feelings in regard to many other things in my life, and as I am learning more and more about myself I am learning to release the food and exercise control, because I am begining to realise that my life is so much than that and should not be controlled by that.
And recovery is such a mix of emotions, one day you are top of the world and the next you could be bawling your eyes out...allowing yourself to feel these mix of emotions is so difficult.
You sound really positive hun, I am so glad for you that you really do seem on the right track and realise where you could potentially fall down but being aware that that is negative, is mmore than half the battle, because you have stopped listening to your ED.
Love to you hun, keep up the fight.
Moongal x
hey moongal
hats awesome to hear, all this complicated healing stuff is crazy... but its doable!
keep moving forward :)
ash x
Hi! I know the images the ED throws at us can be very hard to deal with, but recovery does NOT mean fat, and it does NOT mean bingeing all the time (i.e., scoffing down loads of food). It means healthy moderation. I know, I know; it seems like a lot, and moderation is a hard thing to find. For now, I just encourage you to trust your team and follow their advice on food and exercise to a T. Let us know how things go!
ok i will definately be trying… im a little way off the gazillion calories i have to consume yet so im happy with that lol.
thank you heaps.
ash x