Have you seen this girl

Somewhere along the way I stopped being me. My strength, once so formidable, has left me...weakness and doubt prevail. I stopped standing up for what I believed in. My resiliency snapped, my pride stomped away, my convictions set aside, my drive drove away. I am stripped clean of the best parts that have made me who I am and am left with a mere shell!

I allowed someone to hold me down and make me cry...beating and berating all of the light and making me doubt all that I am.

A part of my mind hangs on and rebels..."NO! That's not right!"...but why does she stay in the background instead of pushing past this weakness???? She is strong and independent. She is defiant and stubborn. She is loyal, couragous and very intelligent!! She stands up for whatever and whoever she believes in without fail...where is she when I need her most??? More importantly, how do I find her and bring her back???

Somewhere along the line I have settled for much less than I deserve and I live in fear and doubt. The worst part, the absolutely unacceptable part for which I most condemn myself, is that I have brought my children with me.

I have been weighed.
I have been measured.
And I have been found wanting.

I have no idea how to get back to where I belong and who I am. Where to go, what to do...I am confused and utterly alone. There is nobody whom I know that I could possibly talk to who can understand in any way.

Hi Chelli,
Your post almost made me cry. I have been going through the exact same types of emotions lately. I feel like I don't know what happened to me. I just asked my mom last night, where did I go? I have no idea where the person I used to love went. I don't know how to get her back and that terrifies me. I'm so scared that I'm going to be living in this shell for the rest of my life. I always stood up for what I believed in and I was smart and confident and the person everyone loved to be around. Now I am a quiet little mouse, I let everyone walk all over me. I feel like I can't state my ideas or opinions because people will judge me. Now I feel like the crazy girl that everyone runs away from. I just want to turn back time to a few years ago.... I just want to let you know that I feel similar and that you can vent or talk to me whenever you want too!!

ladies, these are typical symptoms of depression and you MUST know that things will get better. i've been there and have conquered it. in an earlier post this morning, i stated i was in a depressed state for 3 yrs straight. thinking back, it was more like 5 years. but i fought through it.

the depression was primarily the result of shame and deceipt that i brought on myself through immaturity. i finally grew up at 45 y/o and changed the way i react to situations. i regained the confidence and the ability to lead and socialize. a few of my improvements (for me) included no more alcohol, drugs, cigs, gambling, sex, outbursts. i am a loner and i love it, but i also love to socialize if the situation presents itself. trust me, you learn so much about yourself and others when you are depressed and it stregthens your character. time heals all, and change is necessary to prevent recurrences. i used to hate life so friggn much it was pafuggnthetic. i take full accountability for my failures which led to my depression.

that's your motivation and success story for the day. it can be overcome. i don't know all the details that led to your downfall, but you must know that if you were happy and proud a few years ago, you will be that way again. i am living proof.

no worries my dear, i have lived that for many many years. i always said to myself, when will i come back? why am i so empty as though just eyes that see with nothing inside me. i know i really know this one. please i will hope to help you here because i am no longer empty inside. i stopped wanting her back, the me i believed i was. i allowed myself to learn all over again i mean everything. it was slow at first and then it sped up. i started with simple things like what i like, go shop for a ring, a shirt, a dress. then, i gazed upon the sunshine and let it give me feelings. i watched tv and learned people all over again. you are going into a new being, a rebirth so to speak. it is obvious to me that your spirit is desperate for change that's why this is happening to you. peace.

Wow, that was amazing what you just wrote Boticelli. Just what I needed to read, thanks. I too am feeling lost and that I need to relearn a new way of life. To see it said like that puts into much better perspective. My spirit must be desperate for change as well.
Thanks for putting that out there and giving me a thought for hope.
Hugs,
Lily

You may feel lost and alone but with caring supportive therapy you will find a new you an even better then the one you remember. this is a journey

From Mood Disorders to Bipolar Disorder