Having BPD I struggle with not texting.. Ive been dating someone for a month and its been going really well until he had to move away for work and I had a manic episode the other night and sent him 8 texts, all nice and really flirty but he told me off and said if I do it again then its over, he needs more space to work and think and im not giving him that. I now have to prove I can give him space to prove I can do it, its been 10 hours since I last spoke to him and im going nuts! I just want to message him to check hes still there... its a bpd thing as the only reason I want to text him is fear of abandonment.. I need some sort of thought process to help me not text him, ive got mindfulness and opposite action that help but just need something else when my minds going "hes going to leave you, hes going to forget about you". HELP!
Why not ask him for an agreed up communication schedule, maybe at least three times a day and once before bed? Hugs!
I would love if he did that, maybe if we get serious it could be something I can discuss with him.. he was really good before he got really really busy with work.. then he said I was exhausting him :( Im just trying to push myself through this space thing without texting him "PLEASE TEXT ME ARE YOU STILL THERE' haha arghghhg! x
Thank you for posting that Kat06182315. I go through the same battle & felt completely alone in it. Recently I have started to give my phone to my mum or a trusted friend who understands why I do text so often. This is because I just cannot control myself some days. If I want to text while they have my phone, I need to explain to them why I have to send a text. I find by the time I've explained myself, I realise the text is unnecessary hahaha!. If no one is around I write what I want to say in a text in a notebook, then tell myself if I still feel this way in 2hrs I will send it (all the while reminding myself that I need to over come the fear that they wont be there in 2hrs). Usually I never end up sending that text either. Maybe something along these lines will help you to. Fingers crossed for both of us. :)
@Solobluebird What a great idea! I think we could all benefit from giving ourselves the space and time to write what we want to say in a notebook. Mindful writing, along the lines of mindfulness meditation. Not every thought has to be expressed out loud - or I should say - in a text. There is power in deciding what you want to communicate and when. Good post, Solobluebird! Thanks for that. Best…KIsobel
Thank You @kisobel. :)
@Solobluebird so glad im not on my own! im going to try that method you posted, thank you so much! yeah when I write why im sending the text I put something like “Im just writing to ask if you are still there and that you arnt chatting up some other girl or that you havnt forgotten about me in the last 10 hours” it seems so silly when I think about it but like you said when its like a reflex action it will take strategy and repetition to stop it from happening x
Hi - I don't like the sound of him telling you off and threatening to end it. If he really likes you he should forgive a few silly texts. I understand the fear of abandonment thing because I get it too - but don't let him decide what is appropriate or inappropriate and let him use it as a weapon. Seek harmony and agreement. If he's going to lay down the law he might not be right for you after all.
@coradora thank you … I know he got really angry… I think I want to discuss with him a way that we dont let it happen again… this relationship stuff, its all so confusing. they werent kidding when they said it will be hard for people with bpd!
Yes :-)
I know how you feel some people in my life I'm sp proud if I don't text them for a whole day and then the next day I can't handle it and I'm obsessive I feel the need to talk to them all day to make up for it.... I'm always getting told off by my sister... I wish they realised we can't help it... we feel like **** so we text them then get told off so we still feel like **** or we feel like **** and go through the hell of notcontacting them and still feel like ****... it can often feel like a no win situation
@Bjade
I so agree
Jesus I know the exact feeling. My partner is on the verge of leaving me because he just can't cope with my neediness or clingyness. It's driving me mad too because it's constant that I need reassurance. I know full well from experience if it was the other way around I'd be running a mile so why can't I stop it. We even live together but that never seems to be enough for me and it should be. It's sending us both crazy.
I posted this last may, he used to ignore me all the time and I went to therapy and she said its a way of control and emotional abuse, he would just disappear and I'd get sad. We arnt together anymore, I do miss him but I'm ready to meet someone stable now
@Kat06182315 how have you been otherwise I havent been on here in awhile
since him ive had really bad flings/relationships. I liked to re-ignite things with the first guy I fell in love with. But in the end he was just using me and Id used to show him alot of love... he told me he was single. Then he would drop off the face of the earth and then Id get all shakey and worried, messaging all the time. I looked on his profile and he was never single, he had actually moved in with his gf thats why he disapearred. I wanted reassurance noone had seen my messages and he had deleted them all, I just need to know that as it makes me sick to realise what I did and he had a girlfriend and how used Ive been. He was just my first love so he has an effect on me... I want to move on now I just keep messaging to try find out if he has deleted everything and it says "seen" on facebook but he doesnt answer me. I know I just need to move on anyway. I get so worried Im going to get a message back saying im harrassing him but thats not my intention I just wanted to know no harm has come of everything... such a mess
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