Head on a Swivel

The breezeway of the apartment building where I live looks exactly the same as the one at the motel where the incident which caused my PTSD occurred. I really can’t stand living here. It feels exactly like the motel parking lot when I walk outside at night.

I “check corners” even when walking the 30 yards to my vehicle. There is a sliding glass door at the back of my apartment unit. I keep the interior door to that back room locked. I check each room every time I get “home,” just boiling in the most stomach churning feeling of fear, with my heart pounding. I just don’t know how anyone can live like this for years and years. It’s only been a year since “my event.”

Searching for a new place now. Hopefully I can move to a new place as soon as my lease is over. 6 more months of being triggered every night and sometimes even during the day. I don’t have the money to break a lease, and no family to stay with regularly in my area.

I feel so sad for this cold and sick world. People don’t deserve to live like this. And I struggle so much, wrestling with the feelings of selfishness; just the deep, stabbing desire to feel “like I did before,” which we all know isn’t possible. All I can do is wait and hope that I can find the strength to change something.

Honestly, I don’t remember my other life. Supposedly, the PTSD actually started then and the trigger event was at the hospital. I just know I accepted it and learned to live with my “head on a swivel.” It even became part of my job.

It was the hospital event that caused me to really see how messed up the normal world was/is. How normals deny that something can happen and then want to erase it and not let it cause them problems. They have no problem discarding the people hurt, either. This even applies to the ones who should know better, like law enforcement and the medical community.

There is a clear film you can put over the glass in that door that will help prevent it from breaking. A dowel or metal rod can block it so it won’t open. You can also go to Harbor Freight or other stores and get cheap motion sensors that will make noise it anything in the room moves. As for the back door, you can wedge it so it can’t open or simply pile things in front of it so that no one can easily get in. You can also get little sensors that mount on the doors, as well as glass, that can alert you when the door is opened or the glass is broken. Normally, you screw or nail these in, but you can fix them so they are removable, since you rent. I also picked up a few things from Wolfgang about intrusion detection.

I know about checking the rooms. Do it myself. It’s almost obsessive to check the rooms, locks, and I notice the little things out of place.

I have tried to stop thinking about how messed up I am and make a game of it. Can I detect them before they detect/see me?

I’m sure the designers of our wonderful modern structures don’t think about how their approach can cause problems for some. They are too interested in saving money and rapid building to care. I’ve been in a lot of buildings, from hotels and motels to residences, and can see the patterns in use over and over again. This is especially true in some of the low rent housing developments. For some, everything is nearly identical between apartments. The only differences are with the number of bedrooms and a left or right slant to it, depending on which side of the building it is on. Not only is it easy to get lost in, but it causes problems for those with trauma. You might remember the female cop who shot a guy she thought was in her apartment? It was a few years ago and caused a big stink, but it is possible that she became confused, from lack of sleep or stress, and entered the wrong apartment. I not saying there wasn’t a racist inclination in it, but that her getting turned around was possible. For you, check well to make sure your new location doesn’t copy the problem somewhere else.

If you want someone to talk to, feel free. I’m probably not the best, given what I am, but it might help to know there is someone more messed up out here. :wink: