Healthy weights

Do I post too much?

Anyways, I've been spending the last hour or so looking through my pictures on my computer. It really amazed me how much my eating disorder has taken from me. Thick, long, shiny hair (my default picture on here is actually over a year and a half old, and when I was a lot heavier.. aka at my healthy weight), BOOBS (use to be a D, now I'm barley a B), skin that acutally has a bit of color, and my face in general just looks so much different now.

I almost want to say "wow, I've really made myself rather ugly." but I feel bad saying that, like guilty for thinking that. My disorder is screaming "nooo no no! I'm not making you uglier, I swear I'm not. Do not think yourself as less attractive, do not." Do you get what I'm saying?

But I'd still rather be this, than that. It's not really about physical attraction for me. Is it understandable that I'd rather be this ugly starving girl, than a curvy beautiful woman whos full of life? I think I'm scared of being that woman. Does anyone get what I'm saying at all?

Kristin,

I hear you! :) I flipped through some old pics of mine just last night, too. I can remember my sister telling me that at some point anorexia becomes physically obvious. Her point was that I wasn't able to hide it anymore. I remember my dad telling me I was emaciated. I never saw those things!! But looking back at some photos, I can see it now... Perspective changes, huh?? I felt skinny and ugly at my smallest, too, yet I was completely terrified of the thought of gaining... Surely it would be better and SAFER to just continue losing?? Ah, but that's the illness. As if ANYTHING about starvation could be "safe"... My eyes are adjusting to my healthy body. I continue to be shocked by pictures of me at heavier weights, but I am now also increasingly shocked by my smaller sizes. I am HEALTHY today. My hair is not as thick as it once was, but it's no longer dried out and falling out, breaking and splitting right before my eyes... Healthy bodies are happier bodies. Whether our minds and emotional states choose to accept that fact or not. ;0)

Love,

Jen

Funny, I actually looked at photos from the summer and thought the same thing; my hair was still thick, my cheeks weren't sunken in, I didn't have protruding collar bone etc...and yet I would still rather be what I am now. I want recovery but I don't want it to change my physicalities..

Jen, I know! My boyfriend was telling me last night how it's very noticeable. I still don't see it though. How long have you been in Recovery?

Gina, I'm in the exact same boat. It's complicated too because my ED is how I deal with things life throws at me. So, not only do I not want to gain, I'm scared I won't know how to deal.

Kristin,

I joined this site in July of 2009, and I typically think of that date as my "anniversary". Although I recognized a problem before that, and had already purchased quite a few self-help books, I feel like my recovery really bagan when I joined this site. ♥ Therapy followed in September of 2009, and I switched to an out-patient clinic in May. I'm tapering off my services now... ♥ I've been fully weight restored for about 8ish months? It takes time... :) We're all in different places, and we all move according to our own time line. (And that time line NEVER matches the one we would CHOOSE for ourselves. ♥)

Hang in there! You CAN beat this! ♥

Love,

Jen

Jen, I hope I can one day. It’s amazing how many people found recovery through this site. All of you are such inspiration to me <3 Do you have any books you recomend?

kristen,

you do not post too much. i am not sure that is possible on here. you post what you need you to when you need to. it can only help when you post. it does two things, one gets the feelings out there and two people usually respond and encourage with words of hope and understanding.

i was once told that if i want to finally leave ED behind, i needed something to replace ED. find what you have passion in. something you can do when you get stressed and feel out of control. it takes time to exchange it out and it is not easy, but it works if you work it. (god i sound like one of my old therapists...he used to tell me recovery only works when you work it)

scarlette

Sccarlette, yes posting makes me feel loads better. I like your advice of finding soemthing to replace it. I just don’t know what I like to do. I’m always so busy with work durting the week, with my boyfriend, his family, and my family on weekends. I just don’t have time for anything. What are some things you have passion in?

I hear ya Kristin, in a chaotic world weight is something we have learned how to control....unfortunately if we want recovery we're going to have to find a better coping mechanisim.

I would love to recommend some books for you! I think a great place to start would be with Jenni Schaefer's books "life without ed" and "goodbye ed, hello me." They are her story of recovering from anorexia. They are entertaining and very informative. Theres also a book called "Gaining" I'm not sure of the author. That book has some very triggering stuff like numbers. The bulimia.com website has lists of self-help recovery books and workbooks. Pick up a few of those and you will be well on your way!

Britta, I actually have both those books, I got them several years back. I’ve read Life Without ED once, and Gaining- Life Without an Eating Disorder, twice :slight_smile: I may read Life Without ED again. I really like Gaining, even though it did have numbers like you said. Will check out the website though, thank you!

Ah, I agree. Jenni's books are amazing. :) Gaining was written by Aimee Liu. I also enjoyed Diary of an Exercise Addict, and Shannon Cutts's Beating ANA. My nutritionist recommended Intuitive Eating, which was phenomenal. I've read soooo many... Yikes! ;0) Be sure to check out Gurze Books; that's a great source for ED recovery books. :) Yes, some of them are triggering, so keep that in mind and be prepared to put any book aside that isn't meeting your needs. :) I started my reading with Eating Disorders for Dummies. Lol! Still one of my favorites! Ha! And a little book intended for family members, called Why She Thinks She's Fat; that one really helped me see that I am not alone... :)

You'll get there. :) With patience and hard work. :)

Love,

Jen

Jen, I probably should look at that Intuitive Eating book, I’m going to check my local Barnes and Noble online for it this morning. Numbers really never trigger me (book wise) so I think I’ll be pretty much okay reading anything. Thanks for your help!!

Jenni Schafers books I found helpful in a sense...I get to meet her next weekend! Soo excited...I'll try and get a pic with her :)Diary of an exercise addict by Peach Friedman is also really really well written.

sorry it took me so long to post back...
some things i enjoy are reading, painting, drawing, writing. i love to go on the computer and play games. stupid mindless games (ones from iwin.com are good.)

something to ask yourself, what did i used to enjoy before ED came into my life? that might help you find a way to remember what you used to like before everything when to ED.

Scarlette