Hello all, first time writing on this forum. I've been trying to understand this form of hocd. I've notice I'm not alone in this which feels a little comforting but living in my head is so hard. I have terrible anxiety all the time. I use to talk to people about it, well dance around the topic of why I am anxious. It use to help but I feel I want to do this on my own without relaying on anyone. I have a boyfriend that I truly love and very sexually attracted too. However, this is plaguing my mind lately. I was open to him about it and the most amazing, supporting boyfriend he is listen with an open mind. He believes I'm not a lesbian. Deep down inside I don't believe I am one either...but this struggle sickens me. I get so nervous around women, especially attractive ones and lesbians. I fear, oh no I'm nervous that means I must be gay or that what if I turn gay with this person. It's so irrational. Then because I'm obsessing with it so much I feel I'm not so attracted to my boyfriend anymore nor any man. I have you're a lesbian, your gay constantly repeating in my head over and over again. Even when I have a hetrosexual sex dream or attraction suddenly gets plagued with that...this is a lie your gay get use to it, you're just in denial. I've tried starting the ERP and unfortunately I can't see my therapist until May so I've been on my own on this. My struggle with ERP is that I'm getting super confused and anxious when I accept and admit that I am gay, go through the reasons why I am gay or sometimes get comfortable with the idea of being gay. Then I go through this downward spiral of imaginary present ofs...that I have to leave my boyfriend, my life is over, my family will hate me, where do I go from here, who am I, I don't even want to think about having sex with women it seems so awkward and uncomfortable. Then I get so sick to my stomach and start crying. It's so hard not going back to the rituals. I am determined though to face this. I want to be close to my girlfriends without anxiety, I want to be comfortable around women period. I want to enjoy my relationship with my boyfriend because he's so **** amazing and special to me. Most of all I want to be comfortable in my body and and in my mind. Anyone who has gotten over this or is going through this, I wouldn't mind support or feedback of tips. HOCD is awful but I can't help but shake that it's one big learning experience.
Hi there, your story seem very similar to mine. But we are different sexes! I do understand where you are coming from! I get the same thoughts as you. I can offer no help only that I understand you and you are not alone :)
@lrc00251 Thank you 
We’ll make it!
Hey, glad you found the group. Sorry but i didn't read most of what you wrote (no offense, but i have read it before LOTS of times) This is to say, while your situation might be very unique compared to mankind, in ocd terms specially in hocd terms you are like most of us. That also means that dealing with this by yourself is next to impossible, depending on how servere your ocd is. The people that deal with this the best, are usually in treatment and/or seeing a ocd therapist. I suggest you do the same. If you need additional information, i suggest you read the articles on brainphysics.com if you go through the posts here you will find another link to the problem of reassurance seeking. Moreover you should take a look at what ERP and CBT treatment is. If you read all of that, we will talk again. Ok?
Thanks for the reply. I did talk about I am in therapy, practicing erp and I did find that website helpful. Im just glad to connect with people but that might be the ritual of reassurance...
Well maybe i should read the long posts aswell eh? How is the treatment working for you?