Hello all, I am new here. My husband is a sex addict and an

Hello all, I am new here. My husband is a sex addict and an alcoholic. He has been sober for 11 years (alcohol) The porn and masturbation started aft4r he became sober. I have known for a few years. I discovered it and confronted him. Things seemed to get better, once in a while I would just know he was doing it again. The other day I was snooping because I had a feeling and discovered that he cheated on me years ago. I confronted him right away. He was away on business but I couldn't wait. We have been married 26 years have 3 children and 1 grandchild. To say I was blindsided is an understatement.
We have had a great marriage, active sex life. He told me it started when he was drinking, he had a couple of hook ups with a woman he worked with. That only lasted a short time and it was only when he was in a drunken haze. The porn started years later and led to going to massage parlors for rub and tugs and sex. He hasn't done it in years and I do believe him. The past couple of years he has worked on himself and is in a totally different place. We have never been happier. One part of me hates him and wants to stab him the other part loves him and needs him. He is my best friend. He has been so open with me and patient. I just feel lost. I'm having a hard time finding support groups I can attend. I feel like every story I have read is so different from mine, does anyone hear have a similar story?

1 Heart

Everyone's story is going to be unique to themselves. There are ALWAYS different circumstances, excuses, details. Maybe focus on what's similiar instead of seeing the differences. This is not the same, but here's my example. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The cause of my ptsd is from my job as a paramedic and a very specific/unique call (less than 10 paramedics in my state have attended this type of call). I come here, to SG, and out of 52,000 members in PTSD, I've met less than 10 paramedics over the last 5 years. BUT, I've come to understand that what caused our ptsd isn't the important piece. At least here it isn't. How we experience our symtpoms, and what we do about them, is what we share. This is where we can help each other. So, find the common elements with other people. Look for other people who have been cheated on and are choosing to stay with their partner. I've read the framework of your story several times. The details are different, but the general theme is the same.

Now, for some hard talk about addiction. Your husband is a "dry drunk". He may not be drinking alcohol but he is practicing addictive behavior. He subsituted alcohol with sex. It's one thing to enjoy a healthy fantasy life and porn can be an aid to both partners. But, when he pursues gratification by going to a massage parlous (which is just a 'cleaner' version of prostitution), he is seeking his fix and lying about it. I encourage you to find an Alanon group for yourself. And your husband should seek counseling for his addictions.

In regards to your marriage ..... I know it was painful and what he did was wrong. But you decided to stay. It sounds like it's been a while since he actively cheated (years) so you need to decide once and for all if you are going to be able to forgive him. If you are, then let it go. Every day, remind yourself you are choosing to stay in this marriage, and by doing so try to keep your thoughts out of the past.

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