Hello all newbie Have a bit going on need some advice

Mental Health Depression & Mood Disorders
1

OK it's an extremely long story but i will try and be as detailed and quick as possible.

I have a friend of 13 years whom I haven't seen in 13 years, we went to school together as kids and she moved off to Chicago while I was down in Texas. We kept contact the whole time, periods would go by where we didn't talk and then we would again for a bit. She'd get a boyfriend, I'd get a gf and so on, but we sustained contact.

Over the last two years I have been going through a rough point in my life. I broke both femurs and was nearly killed and this really set me back in life. I grew from the situation and thank God daily for my lessons he teaches me. I can walk now but my legs get sore.

Anyway, the problem at hand... About a month ago I decided that I was very bored with where my life is right now, so I prayed for God to close doors that need to be closed and open new ones for me. One day BAM! Slammed in my face, I get fired from my job. To make matters more difficult, I have been helping my mother get through her cancer treatment for the last 6 months.

My friend and I started talking again, then she said she would like to come down and visit. Then that turned into how about I go there and visit. And then that turned into hey why dont I (me) move there (to chicago) and live and work etc. Her family owns a few restaurants and bars and thats what my experience is in.

Anywho, We started to really plan things out. Emotions began to surge again and we understood that this timing is right. We were too young and immature before, but fate has brought us back together. Everything in my life (that i cannot describe) points to this situation right now... She has a job lined up for me, a place to live, financial help etc etc... so I put a lot of faith in to getting some of my bills paid for (since I am unemployed at the moment) and be able to attain independence once again.

So what has happened was last week, she got a ticket to fly down on saturday so we could drive together back up there. early in the week she said how about I just come in on friday? I said cool. Her job said otherwise, but it was okay, we built up the excitement and at the very last minute, while shes off the phone packing, an hour passes and she texts me and says that her cousin drowned in lake michigan.

My skeptical self was like "really?...."

Anywho, she said she may not be able to come in saturday morning unless she gets a call that they found his body. (her family and extended family is all very close).

So I say do what you have to do, il pray for you all and have a good night. (it was getting late)

The next morning I wake up around 830, when she should be boarding the plane.
I text, no answer
I text 30 mind later, no answer.
I call an hour later, no answer.

So I went back to sleep. 2 hours later I get a text saying she knows that I will be mad but shes not coming, they havent found his body and are doing another search.
I was very tired and cranky and started freaking out about what I was going to do... I called her and she basically was expecting me to be upset, which was odd because normally I don't easily get upset. I started thinking and talking about what i was going to do about my bills? what was I going to do about my job? what am I going to tell everyone? she got pissed and we quickly ended the convo.

Oh my lord.... so selfish?
After I cooled off for about an hour I realized what I had done. I just flipped out over some selfish crap when shes going through a super crazy family tragedy. I realized what I had done, and I had to fix it, so I immediately let her know how sorry I was and how concerned I am for her and her family's well being. She didn't really care because she was so in shock about what had happened in her family.

So I kind of have been distant. Letting her think things through without the pressure and annoyance of multiple text messages. Now if this girl really does care about me the way she says she does, I think that if I just keep my distance and let her know im thinking about her and her fam every now and then, I think it may not be past the point of no return.

Any thoughts? BTW yes I am sort of depressed about this... and my entire life in general at the moment...

2

Hey,
I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your job and your mum's cancer must be devastating. But as for your friend I wouldn't step back completely.
Obviously don't bombard her with a load of texts, but you are her friend but text her every second day and just let her know you are thinking of her and care about her...tell her also that she doesn't need to reply that you understand that is quiet busy at present looking after her family that you just wanted to let her know that...because this is about her....she is hurting....so you need to take a step back, humble yourself, and be there for your friend.

The job will still be there once this tragedy runs its course. However, you must ensure your friend will be, because believe they are precious gifts. So try and remember that. She had faith in you, have some faith in her.

As for being depressed about your life. I understand how frustrating it can be, when you've no work. But you got through adversity before with coming through that accident and you can do it again. Could you try swimming that may really help you and other activities, reading more, researching your new job.

Keep the chin up hun, and remember being a great friend, is a true gift.

Love to you
Moongal x

3

Joshua,

I think moongal is right on with this. Just back off for a bit and sent her texts every 2-3 days. No pressure. Just letting her know that you are there.

In the meantime you do need some more support, so be sure to keep posting here and contact other friends and family (that you feel comfortable with).

I teach Economics online and I can tell you there are a LOT of people out there in your situation now (and much worse). It's not YOU. Much of it is the TIMES.

In a year this will be all past.

But DON'T isolate yourself now!!!

Let us know!

4

Joshua, I am so very sorry for what you have been going through and I think that it's incredibly commendable that you instantly realized and felt selfish for being upset with her. Though, don't be too hard on yourself over it, you have a lot of emotions and things going on in your life, between your physical healing, mother's illness and bills. We want to be there and supportive of those closest to us, but I believe that you can't help others until you help yourself first. Taking this little bit of time of non-communication is a very good thing right now, giving her space and time with her family is really essential. Give her a call [instead of text messaging] and let her know the she's in your thoughts and prayers. Let her know that you are there to support her in any way that you can. Show her that you are strong and there for her, that's what she needs more than ever.

You will get through this period of time and come out bigger, better, and stronger. I can tell what an amazingly positive and strong person that you are. You are in my thoughts and prayer. Please keep sharing with us.

5

Well, if you believe God shut the other doors, why do you doubt He has shut this one for now?

You cannot ask God to move in your life and doubt when He doesn't follow YOUR lead.

You are the sheep, He is the Shepherd. When He wants to move you to a new pasture, He will - if that truly is what you want and believe.

Maybe it is not time just yet, maybe never.

If you really want to excercise your faith, don't expect a mamby-pamby workout, expect to sweat!

6

Sounds like you are having a hard time. I'm sorry you lost your job and I'm sorry to hear your mother is ill. But I must say, from hearing your story, it isn't fair that you are relying on her to be your only hope. Nobody can live with that type of pressure. You need to be independent and self sufficient, and not make her feel trapped for your well being. Of course she cares about you, and yes I'm sure you didn't mean to make the entire trip about you when she is going through this type of tragedy, but did you really make her understand that? I tried imagining if I were in her shoes, I'd be really upset. Space is a good idea but never too long so that she knows you care, you are sorry, and you are not giving up on your special bond. Good luck with that and keep us posted.

xo, July

7

Wow Beautiful, that is so profound and so true. I really do believe that when one door closes, it's because a bigger and better one will open. So, Joshua don't think that it's closed, have faith and know that everything will work-out.

8

Every relationship takes work every day. God most probably did open this door for you but sometimes it doesn't come as quickly or exactly the way that we are expecting. Hang in there. it sounds like she is looking forward to a nice life with you. I have a feeling you will be fine.

Best of Luck

9

Thank you all so much for the encouraging words. I genuinely appreciate you all. I am actually in the middle of having one of the biggest breakdowns I have ever had because of this situation...

I once said that I would take all of the physical pain in the world if I could be spared emotional pain. Over the last year I seem to have forgotten about that time. I now remember the sincerity in the tone of my own voice when I said that. I was a skeptic even of my own words, now I genuinely understand the true meaning behind my vocalized feelings.

I just don't really have anywhere to turn. I don't want to bother my mother or my father (whom i do have a great relationship with) and I don't have many genuine friends - at least none that I can talk to on this level. I am glad to have stumbled across this site. I am trying to stay strong. I am keeping my communication limited although this morning i did let her know how I was feeling. (briefly)

I really just need to get this out. Talk it off. Cry it out. It sucks! Life right now sucks! But I have been down before. I have always been able to get back up again... Just getting past this point is the rough part... I know it will happen. :-/

10

I had to get that out, got up and exercised my legs, did some stretches etc... Kind of blowing off some steam.. I know that I will come back up again. The lord is my foundation, my rock, my strength when I am weak.

11

Hey Joshua,
It's ok to feel down sometimes, because when you feel down it's all about getting through those feelings if you know what i mean. It's like you have to get through this dark tunnel to get to the other side.

And do scream it out, cry it out, just let it go. It is not a nice situation to be in but you can get through this. You can repair what has happened with your friend through just being there for her and now that you are unemployed you could look at it in another way, your life is open now to various streams.

Do you have any passions you would like to pursue? This could be a whole new start for you. And it doesn't have to be some expensive course, where there is a will...

Is there anything else that is troubling you, or is just a combination of everything?

Love to you
Moongal x

12

Joshua, I am really sorry that you are having a breakdown at the moment, but so happy that you're here sharing it all with us and getting it out. That's really the key to healing and moving forward. Suppressing will only do more hard than good. And, I love that you got up and blew off some steam in a really healthy way. That's how I do it. As well, your faith is amazing and holding you so strong, keep it up...keep looking ahead and being positive. I know that God has opened that new door for you, sometimes it's not quite visible or obvious yet. Please keep sharing with us, we are here to help in any way that we can.

13

Life throws a lot of curve balls and it sounds like you were thrown one! I don't know if God has opened or is now closing a door for you but I do know what God wants you to focus on...a relationship with Him. It is like the story of the butterfly which you can run around trying to catch but if you just stay still it will come and land on you. The friend is on overload. It was very gracious of her to try to help you. I understand she has to be feeling overwhelmed right now. Helping someone else is a very noble thing to do. You have to be placed on the back burner right now for her. That doesn't mean you just sit around waiting for her to get back to you. If I were you I would put that whole plan on the shelf for now not giving up on it but saying not right now. Go forward with other avenues God may open for you. Let God know what He has planned for you is what you desire. Ask Him every day to lead, guide and direct your path that day. Be open to everything that comes your way. Focus on everything that is good and let the bad go. Look for people in your life that need help. If you aren't working then volunteer somewhere. Have current resumes with you at all time. Let places that you volunteer know you are looking for work. Keep current in your line of work, making sure you keep updated on any changes going on in your industry. The worst thing people do is isolate themselves. Be out there every day. Remember the old adage the early bird gets the worm! Best of luck to you and keep us posted.

14

Joshua, awareness IS half the battle & I admire you for that at least you were responsible enough to see the situation & correct it ASAP. Good for you. Please let us know how its going as you gain ground.

Take care of you.

April

15

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are suffering. Maybe in this relationship, you can look towards the bright side. My therapist tells me that it's crucial to look to the positive side of things, even when we don't want to...because it really does help. And we know this.

16

Iris, that's such great advice, thank you for sharing. I do believe that it's so easy to fixate on the negative over the positive, which I definitely tend to do at time.