Hello everyone, i hope you are doing well. This is my first

[kennethgarza]

Hello everyone, i hope you are doing well. This is my first post on here so I would like to introduce myself and give a brief rundown of why I am here.

I found out the other day that my wife was unfaithful to me. She told me only because she got pregnant by this other man. This man who was supposed to be my friend. So I had a friend who I trusted and the person I loved more than anything (except the kiddos, those little guys are awesome) both put a dagger in my spine and in my heart.

Those wounds are pretty raw still. We have kids and a house and dogs and all kind of responsibilities so its not like we can just go our separate ways.

Im not sure where to start other than that I can truly understand how Jenn feels. I've been having nightmares, sleeping with her in the same bed is hard, sleeping at all is a challenge. I have resorted to not eating much, and doing a lot of walking. Which I guess is better than alcohol abuse. Everytime I see them in my mind i want to just cry. I know I am damaged goods for sure.

I keep thinking how I got to this mess. I know I shouldnt blame myself. The truth is that I want to blame myself. I can easily see all of the mistakes I made like bright shining beacons. Things that are not hard to change. Things like just spending more time with her, going for walks with her, going to the gym. Giving her my time. But in the end I realize it would have been for naught. My wife is one of those people that is never satisified. I could have done all of those things and it wouldnt have been enough. She has always said we are too different. Its true, I like movies, star trek, nerd stuff, video games. She likes to go for walks, hikes, dinners, and mini vacations. (I would have done all of that if was finanically responsible)

So now she found a sugar daddy. Some guy willing to do these things for her. She says shes in love with him but I dont see how thats possible. She also says shes co-dependent and needs to work on herself. I was under some crazy delusion that marriage was all about co-dependence. We relied on each other and supported each other.

I am by no means innocent in all of this. I have done silly stupid things. I have neglected her, I have been dismissive of her, I have been less than the best father I can be (not a bad one, just could do better) I could have been more healthy. But I was content with my life. I was happy with what I had. Shes a pain and stubborn and just plain mean to me at times but that doesnt mean I didnt care about her.

I honestly wish that she or him (being my friend) would have just grabbed my arm, looked me in the eye, said what she/he meant and dragged us off to a councilor we could have fixed this. I am not unreasonable, I would have realized my mistakes (as I did when she told me about the divorce) and I would have done anything in the world to earn her respect back.

But its too late for that. I need to move on. If she wanted it I could keep it together for the kids, I could even raise the baby as my own but she is wanting him to be the father. And he should be. But my children are the ones that really are going to suffer.

So my nightmares are really not about the cheating so much. its about my childhood when my parents separated. How hard it was for me and my brother.

Thanks for letting me rant.

[Jenn7814]

Glad you found you way here. Rant away. I found it was helpful to talk here in the beginning, so my talks with my husband were more in control sometimes. You have a lot of pain to deal with. Talking to a professional will be very helpful.

[kennethgarza]

thanks, I already have an appt scheduled. At this point I am pretty sure I am in the 4th stage of grief but i might be here for a while. I am not sure I can accept this situation. I guess i need to figure out what Im going to do about the other guy. He "was" my friend but now hes the father of my wifes baby. That pretty much means hes around forever. Unless he dips like i think hes gonna do. What a *****.. Sorry for my language. I guess I could have deleted that but it doesnt do anyone any good to be dishonest.

[Jenn7814]

Yeah, he is more than a ***** in my opinion. I would just work on writing him off,and learning ways to cope with something no one should have to deal with. Once you get a little ok, you will look back and wonder how you were so strong to deal. I made a promise to come out of this a better person, refusing to let someone else's bad choices ruin me. That promise helps me when I am feeling irrational and just want to act on anger,hurt, jealously or other harsh and hard to control feelings.

[kennethgarza]

Writing him off has been completed already, lol. We are co-workers as well but he is in the process of looking for another job. I told my bosses that I will be taking time off until he goes. I had to tell them this because it affects work and our work family. The people I work with are like a family to me, and losing a member of the family to something like this is very hard on everyone. I feel i will take some of the blame for that. But I told them straight up that If he doesnt go then I will. They can't fire him. Hes a good employee. The idea of being friends with him again is probably not going to fly well. But I need to learn to deal with someone I dont want to deal with. I already have experience in that matter (enter my first son's mother)

But heres what I am taking away from this so far. Perhaps I am being a bit silly but I think im a good person, people like me, I love to make people laugh. I have a huge support system, even her parents love me and still do. And I love them. Everyone has been bending over backwards to help me through this and so in order to be worthy of that support I will be a better person when I come out of this.

Right now I am damaged goods. But when I get put back together it will be something pretty awesome.

Thank you for your support as well Jenn, you too are awesome.

[Jenn7814]

You do have a lot going for you. So glad to here you have a lot of support and that you are using it. Smart man! Well he really be gone before you have to go back to work? That would be great for you.

[kennethgarza]

im not sure, I can work from home if need be and so can he. We both lead different teams at our software development company and while our teams work on different projects we need to work together in order to make sure these different products work well together.

So yeah, he will need to be gone before I get back to work. I have what seems like a million hours of vacation that i never take so i can tap into that.