Hello everyone! I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but...
I'm a 35 year old graphic designer, California-born but have spent most of my life in a small Alabama town.
In 2008, I met the love of my life. Not to sound cliché but I still remember it like it was yesterday and I will forever cherish the moment I laid eyes on her. We've done a lot of growing together and, while we had our ups and downs during the dating years, the good times always outweighed the bad.
However, for the last several years, I've struggled with sex addiction and infidelity. I didn't think I might be a sex addict at first and I thought I could overcome the serial cheating but I recently had to accept that it's an actual problem when my wife found out... again.
We are now separated. She is talking divorce but I am doing literally everything in my power to prove to her that I am once and for all a changed guy. I'm seeing a licensed and certified social worker/counselor, I've started taking an antidepressant (Zoloft) prescribed to me by a doctor, and I'm actively taking steps to be the me I used to be before this consumed me.
My heart is still with her 100%. I've always told her I wanted to spend my life with her and that I would never ever in my life give up on her or us -- something I meant with all my heart.
Admittedly, I was repeatedly weak, repeatedly impulsive, and repeatedly lost all self control. I would lie just to try to get out of trouble. My actions have hurt her and THAT is the worst part of it all. I can live with my shame but I can't live with the fact that I broke her heart.
I'm hoping that this site, combined with everything else I've been doing/trying will prove to her that I'm still the man she fell in love with years ago.
@advntr26, that's an interesting take on what has been going on. You are older now, as is she. You are not the person you were in 2008. You have had experiences, you have learned lessons, you have been shaped by life and time. The same can be said for her.
Rather than trying to prove you are still the same man she fell in love with years ago, you might want to instead work on proving that you can be the man she falls in love with now.
@PB2020 I fear it’s too late. She’s already talking about signing papers but being the eternal optimist I am I will never give up. My heart belongs to her even if she doesn’t want it. Even if it’s down the road, I have faith we will find each other again.
I gotta say this made me cry, because admitting your wrongs is something I wish my ex could’ve done. It’s really a good thing that you’ve done that I hope she knows but you also have to understand her pain everything that you probably put her through over and over again. Pray, stay strong, keep consistency, but most importantly show with actions that you are willing to change.
@StrongMomma I appreciate your encouragement and support. You’re absolutely right – she is understandably hurt by my actions and knowing that I caused that hurt kills me inside. That’s why I can’t give up. I’m not the kind of person to just say “oh well, that’s that” and move on. I have to be accountable for my actions and do anything and everything to mend what I broke. “Anything worth having is worth fighting for.” She is worth having. She is worth fighting for.
You have to face the fact that you are not the man she fell in love with and you never will be again. But, that doesn't mean you can't be a man that she loves. Work on yourself because you want to be a better healthier man, not because you want to win her back. She may find her way back to you, but she also may not. But, that work you do on yourself will benefit you for the rest of your life.
@Leahzan You’re absolutely right. I can’t be that person again but I can become a better version. A flawed version but still better.
If you cannot provide what your spouse needs, then maybe it's best to move along.
@Lookn4raysofSunshine I can absolutely provide everything she needs. That I am sure of. I’ve been meeting with my counselor regularly and it’s really helped to identify the problem and the source of it all.
Hello. How are things going for you?
@Lookn4raysofSunshine She never did tell me to come sign the papers which has given me hope. We had been texting regularly, every day in fact from morning to night. That also gave me hope. That hope took a might blow this Easter weekend, however, when she stopped responding. I don’t think I said or did anything NEW that would have made her decide to stop talking. I continue to message her, ask how she’s doing, etc.
One of the last good conversations we has was about turn-ons. She mentioned several that I never knew about – poetry, the color black, classical music, a sharing a piece of chocolate together. Ever since then, for the last 10 days or so, I’ve been writing poems and putting them inside black envelopes which I then hand decorate. The plan was to leave one at the house for her along with a piece of Mr. Goodbar (one of her favorite chocolate bars). I’m afraid she will only be annoyed/frustrated if I do that.
Not being able to talk to her has triggered REALLY bad separation anxiety in me – cold sweats, sleepless nights, no appetite, can’t focus on anything, don’t want to do anything. The pain and anxiety I feel is nothing compared to the pain I’ve caused her. This is something I deserve. Karma, right? I just wish I could talk to her, find out why she stopped talking to me. The longing and missing for her feels like a boulder crushing my chest.
Yes do everything in your power to be there for your wife and please get therapy for your sex addiction. Hugs.
Please delete my account completely and fully. Thank you.