Hello everyone-My name is Alana. I am 34 years old and since I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I married my husband when I was 30 and after trying without the help of medical advice, I then made the decision to go and see my doctor after we were unsuccessful for 9 months. Tests were not done at this time because I am a healthy woman as is my husband. The next 6 months I started to have GYN complications regarding my menses so I was sent to a OB/GYB and then to a Endo-Repro MD as well. I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure on 6/8/2012 and was told I had less than .01% of ever conceiving. The auto-immune disease came out of no where and the doctors to this day still do not know why I got it or when it attacked my system. It took me a very long time to get over the grief and anger I was feeling. I went to see a male therapist purposely to get a male's opinion on the matter as I found my husband was getting more and more frustrated with how long it was taking me to heal (he was ready to start adoption proceedings shortly thereafter my diagnosis but I was no where near accepting of my circumstance). After healing and coming to terms with God's plan (although illogical to me at the time), I started to have massive pains and dysfunctional bleeding. I was sent to a GYN surgeon who diagnosed me with endometriosis. Yet another anomaly since I have no ovarian function, how could I get this disease? Doctors ran tests after tests and found that at some strange point, my ovaries started working again just enough to become infected with the disease but not enough for me to get pregnant. After that blow, I had the lapro surgery to remove the infection. That took place on Halloween in 2013. I was then put on an injection that would send me directly into menopause to see if my pain and bleeding would then cease. It did after a while so at my last check-up just this past month, the doctors then realized that the injection had worn off (which it was supposed to after 3 months-3 months marked at April 4th) and the endometriosis which usually takes years to grow back, was already infecting me again. So 1 week ago today I had my tubes, ovaries, and uterus removed. I am now recovering at home. I have 2 day jobs and am also a FT graduate student-it is hard to find time to deal with the mourning and grief that I am going through. Although I know I could never conceive, the loss of basically my entire repro system feels like I am less of a woman. I know every case is different for everyone, but I was hoping to find support form others on how to cope. I almost get mad at myself for being so sad again when basically my repro system was worthless and damaged so why not take it out? That should be my mind set..........but since the surgery Ive been feeling a lot of sadness. Thanks for anyone who listened to my story. Alana.
Hi there, gentle hugs to you. Welcome to the site, although we are glad to see you I wish it was on happier terms. Although my infertility problems are not like yours I can understand the pain and grief surrounding loss of fertility. It is tough for many people to emotionally understand infertility, and the grief surrounding it is considered almost taboo to talk about and is a disenfranchised loss. Men naturally have a harder time understanding the emotional ramifications of such a loss, as are many fertile woman. Regardless of what it is, you have lost an entire dream of what could have been. You need to be able to have the space to grieve, to allow yourself the time to grieve. Although adoption is an amazing loving way of expanding your family, it needs much emotional strength to go through. I hope you continue to come here and lean on us. We are here for you.
Thank you so much for your caring words. Many of your statements were right on point. I am grieving the loss of what could have been-there is no doubt in my mind. It is so emotional-some days better than others. I look forward to being a member of this online support group and I look forward to talking with you all about our commonalities as well as what I can learn from you all. Thank you again for being so kind and welcoming.
That's what we are here for! I do like to tell people to browse around on some of the other groups as well. Some groups go through periods of calmness with not a lot of traffic, then boom suddenly tons of posts and business! Checking in on some of the other groups is a great way to keep up that support in between the lulls!
Thank you so much and I understand and the compound nature of it all-I am a member of another group that I check into frequently as well. Can I ask you a question? Lately I have been having feelings of being "less than a woman".............with everything I have come to understand about my health and have dealt with and accepted (for the most part), why would I feel this sense of grief again?
Aww,honey I would give you a bear hug if you were near by. I'm so sorry you are going through this grief and cannot begin to understand the devastation you must be feeling. however, I know you are a strong woman. If you want to be a mom, nothing can stop you from being one and I assure you that you are no less a woman because of this experience. Adopt a baby and shower all your love on him/her. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
That why this site is great you can share your stories and people will take time to read it and be there when your down no one will judge you,, we all on different paths,,we all need people to listen to us xx